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Wife has new male best friend

JM2020
Community Member
I am hoping someone out there can give me their unbiased opinion. This may or may not help me from going out of my mind.
To begin with, i have been married since 2009, my wife and I have always been on separate ends of the 'emotional spectrum. She tends to me highly emotional whereas i am on the complete opposite end. Despite the differences we have made it work well and kind of balance each other out. However, from time to time it does create some tension.
Over the past couple of years my wife has attended a personal training group, which is great, she has always suffered from social anxiety so to see her enjoy being around a new group of people and to witness the improvement of her mental health has been fantastic.
However it did not take long until she started spending time with a male friend from this group. As well as group sessions, they meet on non group days and train together alone for up to 3-4 hour sessions. This usually includes lunch, coffee, etc. So they end up seeing each other everyday whether in a group or not. This also includes texts and phone calls throughout the day.
I have questioned her about this. and have told her i am uncomfortable with the frequency, not necessarily the fact she has a male best friend.
She has told me that they do have feeling for each other, they have discussed this in detail and have vowed not to act on it. They recognise that it is natural that and two people spending this amount of time with each other are bound to develop feelings, however its whether they act on it or not that counts. This doesn't sit right with me. Just because you have recognised it, and have been open with me about it doesn't make it right or less hurtful.
This male friend has the emotional personality traits that i dont have, so it makes sense that she is attracted to him and wants to spend so much time with him.
But where does this leave me? I cant help feeling she would rather be with him than me? why wouldn't she, right?
Is she better off with him?
I dont want to stop the friendship, 1. due to the improvement in her mental health, 2. why should i? if my discomfort isnt enough, shouldnt she recognise the problem a pull back?
over the past 6 months this has put me in a depressed state, and if anything it has put more distance between my wife and I. I cant help feeling that without this guy out of the picture, we can not repair our marriage. I am seriously considering leaving her.
36 Replies 36

Thank you.... apparently now she's in love. i am sure this guy 20 years her senior will jump at this opportunity if he has the guts to leave his wife.

I told her about the text messages i found and she really couldnt dispute anything.

I'm moving out, just trying to figure out where. I have said we're done.

Just need to discuss with the kids.

Gee i really need to update the heading of the thread lol we've come so far....

Hi Tony. Agreed, and it is common to lay the blame at the penultimate stage in acrimonious separation without acknowledging the mitigating events that led up to it - there are no winners, and retaining compassion for the sufferer (regardless of trigger) can concede the shared responsibility for the dissolution.
In this respect, 'finding fault' is of no consequence and only leads to bitterness - all one can allow is melancholy for not seeing the signs earlier. Nevertheless, the family carries on (albeit in a new configuration) and respectful communication is no less warranted once the ink has dried. I am sorry your ex could not respond in kind.

Hi Tranzcrybe

Re: "finding fault' is of no consequence and only leads to bitterness -". Too right. It's been 25 years since I split with her. I can truly say I'd still be confused had her 2nd husband not approached me and express he had the same issues before he also left.

Which raises an interesting thing, in regards to JM, To maintain your confidence. Wrong is wrong, there is no grey in cheating.

TonyWK

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello JM, marriages always have disagreements, you can't or don't have to accept everything your spouse wants and if this doesn't happen then problems develop either way, as you might be scared to offer your suggestion, however, when two people don't agree doesn't mean the marriage is in trouble and shouldn't be a cause to have an affair.

A marriage may go through a period of not agreeing, that's a marriage that often happens until a settlement has been determined but it doesn't mean you go out with another person, hold hands, cuddle, kiss each other and whatever else this leads to because that's cheating on your spouse, sure you can contact someone to talk about this situation but that's how far it goes.

I pity not only you but also this other chaps wife and the children in both situations and if you want to move on from her then you have my support.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Please don't apologise for venting on here.. That's exactly what this place is made for. We're all here to listen and please feel free to share as much as you're comfortable with.

I hope you'll find comfort in updating us on your situation if you're willing. ❤️

Kim1988
Community Member

Hi JM2020. I don’t think what you’re requesting is unreasonable at all. This friendship has obviously crossed a boundary that you’re not comfortable with and you are her husband. She’s married to you and if there’s something she’s doing that you don’t like you need to tell her and vice versa.

The fact that the two have even acknowledged that they have feelings for each other so openly would be a major no-no for me. They have feelings for each other. They’ve just agreed not to sleep together. How strong are the feelings that they have towards each other? If it’s a strong connection it might be hard for them to resist in the end.

If my husband told me he had a female friend and they both had feelings for each other I’d find it highly concerning. It is not fair to you to be with someone who’s got 50% of her attention somewhere else. I know it’s not like once you’re in a relationship everyone else is somehow ugly. Thinking that someone from the opposite sex is attractive isn’t a crime, but if there’s feelings involved that should be meant for only you that’s an issue.

Earth Girl
Community Member

I feel like what they are doing is kind of cheating because they have feelings for each other (they even admitted to it) and are hanging out despite her being in a relationship with you. You don't have to do sexual things with a person who isn't your partner (or boyfriend/girlfriend) for it to be cheating. It seems like emotional cheating to me.

This must be really hard for you because you still love her, but you also notice that she seems happier with someone else and that it is helping her mental health. Like someone else suggested, I think it would be good to do couple's therapy. You may even need to ask her if she is still interested in being with you any more because this type of cheating could definitely escalate into something more, though they'd probably do this part secretly.

There is unfortunately a chance that she will leave you for him so just be prepared in case that happens. Reach out to loved ones if it helps and do things you enjoy and spend lots of time with your children. In the mean time, it is very important that you find out if she still wants to be with you to save you from getting even more hurt further down the road.

If she says she still wants to be with you, but also wants to spend time with this other man she also has feeling for, ask her if she would like it if you started dating or spending time with someone else that you also had feelings for. I don't think she would like you doing that and if she doesn't have a problem with that, then maybe she doesn't even value the good thing she already has that much.

If you can't at least get her to go to couple's counselling with you, it would be good if you could see someone by yourself, because while what she is doing may be helping her with her mental health, it's probably making yours/going to make yours' a lot worse.