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Wife has new male best friend

JM2020
Community Member
I am hoping someone out there can give me their unbiased opinion. This may or may not help me from going out of my mind.
To begin with, i have been married since 2009, my wife and I have always been on separate ends of the 'emotional spectrum. She tends to me highly emotional whereas i am on the complete opposite end. Despite the differences we have made it work well and kind of balance each other out. However, from time to time it does create some tension.
Over the past couple of years my wife has attended a personal training group, which is great, she has always suffered from social anxiety so to see her enjoy being around a new group of people and to witness the improvement of her mental health has been fantastic.
However it did not take long until she started spending time with a male friend from this group. As well as group sessions, they meet on non group days and train together alone for up to 3-4 hour sessions. This usually includes lunch, coffee, etc. So they end up seeing each other everyday whether in a group or not. This also includes texts and phone calls throughout the day.
I have questioned her about this. and have told her i am uncomfortable with the frequency, not necessarily the fact she has a male best friend.
She has told me that they do have feeling for each other, they have discussed this in detail and have vowed not to act on it. They recognise that it is natural that and two people spending this amount of time with each other are bound to develop feelings, however its whether they act on it or not that counts. This doesn't sit right with me. Just because you have recognised it, and have been open with me about it doesn't make it right or less hurtful.
This male friend has the emotional personality traits that i dont have, so it makes sense that she is attracted to him and wants to spend so much time with him.
But where does this leave me? I cant help feeling she would rather be with him than me? why wouldn't she, right?
Is she better off with him?
I dont want to stop the friendship, 1. due to the improvement in her mental health, 2. why should i? if my discomfort isnt enough, shouldnt she recognise the problem a pull back?
over the past 6 months this has put me in a depressed state, and if anything it has put more distance between my wife and I. I cant help feeling that without this guy out of the picture, we can not repair our marriage. I am seriously considering leaving her.
36 Replies 36

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

The old saying "where there's smoke there's fire" comes to mind. Sorry, in these situations her admission of kissing is likely not the full story.

The now modern way is to gaslight or in the least point and blame causing the guilt ridden or doubtful persons to rethink their own behaviour.

Had that last week. Walking my little dog on a lead, larger dog unrestrained attacks, owner appears and blames me for walking my dog past her house. The mind boggles!. Being a former dog ranger I know the law on unconfined dogs. But even if issued a fine or friends tell the guilty they are wrong they stick to their blaming game It illustrates the trend.

Rest assured your wife actions is cheating regardless of her denials. Keep focussing on your future plans. How old are your children?

My working life involved investigations into infidelity. A huge industry boosted by individuals needing concrete evidence for peace of mind when they walked out the door.

TonyWK

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi JM2020,

I’m sorry this has happening to you, and I’m also sorry that your wife is denying and minimizing her behaviour in all of this. I know how infuriating and hurtful that is. But at the very least, now you know. You know that your wife is lying to you, has kissed this man and held hands, and seems to be intent on continuing her behavior. She doesn’t want to make an admission of guilt because then she will be forced to stop. She is trying to gaslight you and deflect blame so that she can continue on with things and make herself feel better. But the situation is pretty black and white, not only has she been having an emotional affair but it’s now turned physical. Whether she has slept with him yet I don’t know but it seems fairly inevitable at this point. She will try and have her cake and eat it too by stringing you along for a bit longer while she dissed out whether there is a future with this man as she won’t want to take a gamble only to have the new relationship fail. But If it was me, that is exactly what I’d be doing. Putting her stuff out on the lawn and encouraging her to go and stay with the new guy. I imagine that the shine would wear off pretty quickly, part of the appeal of an affair is that there is no real big commitment on either side. But the reality of someone turning up on your doorstep has a way of making reality come crashing down. However, you have children so that is obviously a factor, although it doesn’t seem to have been a factor in your wife’s decision-making process.

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hey, vent away, but be sure to keep a clear head. Sometimes what you are led to believe is intentional - is it unusual that your wife leaves her phone lying around, unlocked? Is what she says actually what she does, or merely taunting you to play on your suspicions?

You might want to don your own sleuth cap and see first hand her 'training' sessions before drawing conclusions. Observe without bias and collate your data - knowledge is power and it will help you to hone your thoughts without becoming rattled in emotional turmoil.
Presently, the evidence is circumstantial, bordering on hearsay (although self incriminating).

What is her motive - to find gratification or to draw a response? What outcome is she expecting from being so forthcoming? - to teach you a lesson, to demean your place in the relationship, to cause mental anguish? Maybe she wants you to instigate proceedings in separation, or lead you into error - to what end? Perhaps you should just come out and ask where she wants this to go and act accordingly.
Think as she does, read between the lines, and consider all angles. There is still much to be determined and validated.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello JM and All, ' your wife actions is cheating' as Tony has said, with a friend, sure you can hug and kiss that's what I do with my female friends but I certainly don't go walking holding hands, that's being way too personal and they would probably object and say no, that's what I would expect and sure I may have a cup of coffee with them, but not every day, not unless it's at my house or their house and their spouse knew about it, but to hug, kiss, hold hands somewhere nobody knows about leads to the temptation of having a physical relationship.

One thing we have to remember is the disruption to his family and doing this is causing great hardship to 2 marriages.

I've always said children are happier in 2 two different relationships with their parents separating, rather than one unhappy family, I'm actually seeing this in a close r'lationship between and in particular a relative.

The questions and answers can never be told in all honesty and what you are told, can you believe what's being said no and possibly in another time.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

JM2020
Community Member

Thanks for your support Geoff. At this point the kids are my only concern. In fact we have done really well to hide this from them, so the poor things are oblivious. This kind of makes things harder.

His wife has no idea. I said i was going to track her down to tell her, my wife thinks its unnecessary. I said if you think what you did is not cheating (because we had problems anyway), what he did is certainly cheating. I think she has made out our marriage to be worse than what it was, simply to justify her actions.

I have told her i want out. To be honest i just want to move on to a new future. Just need to shake off the hurt and anger.

Jozel
Community Member

Kissing another man is not acceptable, this is on top of deliberate act to make arrangements to catch up severel a week. Those times could have been times with you or your kids. It is absolutely ok for an individual to have away time/life from home but not to the degree what you are describing.

She needs to be honest with you until everything she is telling you is matching up with your hard evidence (not your imagination). You won't be able to start to heal until such time. Confrontation and grilling session to get the truth out to match with what you know is hurtful. Each time that she is not saying the truth or omitting something, it is reinforcing the lack of honesty of your relationship with her.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi JM

A few of my experiences post separation that I'd like to share-

  • My childrens school principle told me "children are more resilient that us adults, they adapt quicker"
  • A friend told me "once you have separated they'll come a moment when you realise- its the beginning not the end"
  • Karma- It came to my ex GF when she said "well then, you'll have to find a place to live" (as a threat)..."I have, its around the corner can you help me shift"?
  • "Perhaps we can remain friends". The foundation of friendship needs much more than what we had"

I was married also to the mother of my kids. For 11 years she used silence as a weapon and laziness put more pressure on me. When I left the family home I was extremely upset until I reached the end of the street....I then burst into laughter- she didnt "win". One week prior to that moment I tried ending my life.

My daughter now 33yo has a saying "stay true to yourself. I had to figure that one out. She's right, there is a life out there for you JM and it doesnt include your wife. You simply deserve better.

TonyWK

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Some things to remember...
Regardless of outcomes, your wife will always be the mother of your children who, by the way, are probably more perceptive than you give them credit - veritable emotional sponges who often internalise their distress as being their own issues (if anything, they have done well to hide this from you).
Moving on is fine, but the relationship doesn't end:
the interests and welfare of your children (teens/tweens?), their maintenance, custody, and civility in your dealings - this is a mutual obligation until they are adults (after which it becomes discretionary, but recommended in order to find acceptance). In fact, you will be entering into a new partnership and need to remove any personal indignation and irrational thoughts/behaviours which will not aid your cause or mental health if left unresolved.
Be wary of becoming embroiled in 'he said/she said' and stick to the facts once your mind is made up.

Hi Tranzcrybe

I think that is a very valid point. If he separates its going to be difficult but doable to try to put all this behind him and respect just her motherhood.

Unfortunately I had the opposite happen upon my separation from the mother of my then two young daughters and this opposite result to the above only developed due to the poor attitude (immature) of my then estranged wife. Some say "it takes two", well prior to separation maybe in some cases but post separation it only takes one poor grudge holding attitude to ruin all effort to maintain communication for the sake of the children.

Thankfully courts now treat dads equally to mums, it wasnt the case in the 1990's when I separated. Sadly requests to meet at a cafe to discuss our children would leave me "stood up" having driven a long distance then a phone call "I chose not to attend" was the response. Decency to let me know was beyond her.

I'm only mentioning this because it does only take one parent to decide not to remain cordial.

TonyWK

Hi JM2020,

This is the place to vent if you need to and there is no need to apologise for that. It can also help you to clarify your thoughts and get some thoughts and ideas from the perspective of others, some of whom have been through similar experiences. As tranzcrybe says, 'vent away' - it might actually help you to clear your thoughts. From reading through the tread I can't help feeling that your wife might be almost pushing you to act, maybe so she can mitigate her responsibility which she is refusing to admit or accept. Or for some other reason.

If it were me, I would be taking a few very deep breaths and asking myself what I want to happen and then acting accordingly. For example, if you do separate - who should leave the family home, who should have the children until it is decided in the short term, that sort of thing. Have a plan for what you want or are willing to accept. You might not be there yet. Also, can it be saved? Do you want to save it? Would she be willing to try? I would have a really good think about all of these things before I did anything.

We are all different, and you are in the situation, so only you can make these judgements.

I hope this is of some help.

WF