Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Why did I keep my mouth shut?

Community Member


I'm very new to this - first post so sorry if I ramble. 3 months ago I was asked to leave the house after a 10 year relationship with S. I didn't see it coming. I was told it was something I needed - a break from each other.

3 months later and I still feel like poo. Headaches, trouble sleeping, concentrating, crying at random times. The emotional roller coaster is massive.

Some background helps. My first wife committed suicide 13 years ago. I always knew she was going to die young - she told me that early on in our relationship, and I know she tried so hard not to make it happen. But it did.

She always told me I would meet someone else after she was gone, and it was this thought that kept me going. I had a relationship 18 months later with someone - we were good friends, but that was all we were, so we broke up. 18 months later I met S.

S and I were together for 10 years, and I still imagine us growing old together. But I now realize I had not gotten over my first wife's death. She was there in the back of my mind, and it affected S and my relationship. Then came my 50th birthday, and with it the doubts - the dreaded "mid life crisis". I didn't own a house, unhappy at work, and felt lost. People tried to help me, but I didn't talk about it to S or anyone who saw I was having problems.

I got angry easily. People would try to help, and I pushed them away. So I understand why I was asked to leave.

I've reflected on much, and have realized my failings (of which there were many). I now want to talk about feelings, about life and what it holds. I no longer need possessions to make me happy (as a collector now realize I placed things on the same level of importance as people - now I'm getting rid of things and am happy about it). And I'm no longer expecting to win a fortune on Tattslotto and have things "fall into my lap". I'm saving for the first time in my life to get ahead.

But most importantly I've moved on from Jo my late/first wife. I took her picture out of my wallet a few weeks ago, and today is the first time I've called her my "first" wife. In fact now when I think of who I love I see S not Jo. She is a memory (a good one), but just a memory.

Thank you for letting me share - I feel better now. I just hope the great mystery that is life lets me get back together eventually with S.

How I'll cope if it doesn't happen is something I'm not sure about..

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi DL, welcome

I understand. I wont go into my background, its been done so many times.

However, I did find that distraction play an enormous part in ones mental well being.

Once, after splitting with my 1st wife, I was in grief (2 small kids) but picked up when I purchased a country blick of land then literally built my own home.i was too tired to think about anything.

A few threads you can google

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

I hope those helped

Ps. You do deserve to be loved, it isn't too late.

Tony WK

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Welcome to the forums, Ddidnt listen.

Thank you for sharing your inspiring story with us. Well done for stopping in your tracks to re-evaluate. It takes courage and resilience. It is often crises in our life that motivate us to do some soul searching, isn't it ?

It seems you are no longer anchored to the past but back into the flow of it all. I hope you can share your thoughts about feelings, life and what it holds with the one you love. Seeing the turn-about is genuine may make her reconsider her own position.

Do you still communicate with your ex ? Would she agree to a joint counseling session ? Often, talking things through assisted by a neutral, professional mediator does help. It allows both parties to have their say, uninterrupted by emotional outbursts.

You could also put your thoughts, feelings and concerns in writing and hand it/send it to her. You could take time over it, edit as much as necessary. A letter can be read and re read at leisure. Writing also helps clarify our thoughts to ourselves. This "remote" but efficient approach can help reconcile differences. Face to face conversation to resolve issues can easily turn into confrontation.

Sometimes too much damage has been done and broken relationships cannot be healed. Knowing we have given it our best shot helps us accept and move on. Whatever happens next, you are on the right track and doing the right thing by and for YOU. Right now, you deserve to make yourself the priority.

I wish you both all the best.

thank you both for your comments - they have given me much to think about.

I am going away for a couple of days this week, and have decided to write a letter to S on the computer, so I can think about what I say, read and reread it to make sure things I say come out the way I want them to (without over thinking everything like I have been!), and above all to make sure I'm not going over the same things over and over again.

I now realize that I have been too one sided in my previous talks with her, and have not been taking her feelings into account, or should I say I've felt too much self pitty when talking to her. I now realise it takes 2 to make a relationship, something I had not been showing.

Will let you know how I go, and thank you again

Thank you for your kind feedback and well done for being proactive.

Hopefully, S might feel enticed to explain her side of the story in letter form too. Good communication is the foundation of good relationships, intimate or others. And good communication is an open, honest 2 ways exchange.

No matter what comes of this, putting your cards on the table will give you a sense of satisfaction that you are doing the right thing.

I wish you both all the best.