Why Cant I Cope?

[Minty]

My daughter is 22 and her son (my Grandson) is 3. They have lived with me all their lives. She is moving to the city in two weeks (4 hours away from where I live) and for some reason I am falling apart.

I can tell myself that it is normal for kids to grow up and move out and find their own lives...but what my head is saying and what my heart is feeling is something very different.

I am falling to pieces. I just lie in my bed and cry and cry and cry. When I think of walking into this house in two weeks and all their stuff will be gone and they will not be here I cannot handle it.I can't function. Can't eat, can't sleep.

I dont want to make my daughter feel guilty for deciding to move but I am no longer in control of myself and I don't know how to stop these feelings. I know it is hurting, upsetting and yes probably annoying her that I am behaving this way but I seem to have lost the ability to hold it together. I am a wreck.

I miss her and my grandson soooo much and they haven't even left yet.

Why can't I cope with this?

[white knight]

Hi Minty,

First of all it is so very understood by me of your hurt and feelings of loss. I suggest you talk to your daughter and ask her how often she would visit you.

Say its twice a year. Add to that four time that you could attend the city to visit them....thats 6 times a year or an average of every 2 months. Then there is xmas and easter and perhaps times when you are asked to baby sit so your daughter can have a girls weekend away etc.

Your daughter is flying from the coup and you acknowledge this is normal. Sad as it is your delight when she tells you she and your grandchild is coming for a visit will be over the moon.

After they leave....take up a hobby. Making quilts for them?

Tony  WK

[Zeal]

Hi Minty,

Tony has already given you some positive comments and good advice.

I am a single 22 year old female who still lives at home. I probably won’t move out until I’m in my late twenties. Your daughter sounds quite independent for her age, which is great. So when she heads to the city, will you be living alone? I know this is not a substitution for human closeness, but getting a cat might be a nice idea. If you don’t like cats or don’t want one, then disregard that idea! When my parents go away for a weekend or for a trip, and my sister also isn’t home, it’s nice to have my cat there. When you’re feeling lonely, having a cat curled up and purring on your lap does tend to make you feel a little better. I don’t do this with my cat that often now, but every now and again it’s really nice.

Telling your daughter how you feel in a calm way, and explaining why you’ve been feeling anxious and sad, is a good idea. Make sure you emphasise also that you’re happy she’s moving on well in life, and that you are happy for her. If you’ve already communicated this well to her, then that’s great.

Tony is right; taking up a new hobby or project could help fill in the time you would usually spend with your daughter and grandson. If you still work, then that will already take up a portion of your time. I personally love reading, and enjoy losing myself in a book. I like reading fiction, literature, and non-fiction psychology books. When you find genres and authors you enjoy, reading becomes really enjoyable. You could join a local social club, such as a book group, or maybe you could volunteer.

Try to focus on the present, and enjoy the time you do spend with your daughter and grandson. As Tony said, you can visit your daughter during the year, and she can visit you for holidays, long weekends, and so on. Do you have other children or grandchildren? If you feel truly overwhelmed by your emotions, you could have a few sessions with a counsellor or psychologist. This is just an option, and you may not require this.  

I hope you’re able to feel better.  

Take care,

SM