Why can't I move on?

[CJ1398]

Around two months ago my boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me pretty harshly. I didn't see it coming and the only reason I got was that he only loved me when I was with him (we only just started on a long distance with me away for university).

Since this breakup I have fallen into a bit of a rut. I struggle to find reasons to get up in the mornings and just generally aren't a polite person to be around.

Everyone around me has been telling me to find things that make me happy and to fill my life with them. I don't know whether I just don't want to or simply can't find something that doesn't remind me of our relationship.

Ive always struggled with having friends and thought I had 3 pretty good ones. One is now my ex, the other one is now dating my ex and the third is struggling with her own relationship problems. I can't figure out who to talk to and how to cope with all of these changes.

After he broke up with me we continued to talk for a while but it has since gotten very negative from him with insults to both me and my family to the degree where I just lose it at myself. I can't help but think all of this is my fault. I have tried to grasp that it isn't yet come back to me every time.

Now I just want him to hurt as much as I do and to be as miserable as I am. That's not the person I want to be.

Im scared to go and see a professional because I don't know where to start and who to start with, my family have enough problems without me adding to the mix and I don't want to be put on medication.

i want to be the kind of person I was before all of this happened. I just don't know how to start.

[Doolhof]

Hi CJ,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and the community here.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, if you read other posts, you will soon realise that many people feel very similar to you in your situation.

It is wonderful you have decided to share your thoughts and feelings here. That is a big step. You can write as much as you like here to help you sort out how you are feeling and where you want to go from here.

There is a phone help line you can use, information of all kinds in the resources section and no doubt others will join in this thread.

Breaking up can be very difficult, your feelings are only natural, the thing is to accept those feelings and try to find a way to deal with them and eventually move on.

Regret, grief, wanting to get even, sadness and feeling low self worth are all things we can overcome.

People have advised you to find things to do to make you happy once again. They are right in that, it is not always easy to do but it will certainly help.

Can you try something very different to do? Make a list of things you might like to do and try one of them this week.

Some people find it very helpful to write down how they are feeling. If it is on paper, then you can rip it up and throw it in the bin. Or use your computer then press erase. You don't have to re read what you have written.

I would suggest not contacted you ex, especially so if he is putting you and your family down.

Do you have a dog in your family or have a friend with a dog? If so take the dog for a walk. Exercise is a great way to refresh and release.

Go and have a chat with your Dr. he or she can give you some advice. Not everyone who feels depressed is placed on medication. Chatting with a counsellor is beneficial also if that is the way you think you might need to go.

Check out the GET SUPPORT section on this site and see what is beneficial for you there.

Life may seem a little dark right now, but you can turn those feelings around.

Wishing you a brighter day. From Mrs. Dools

[pipsy]

Hi CJ1398. Breaking up is extremely difficult, no matter who initiates it. You had been with your bf 10 months, just long enough for a pattern of (what you thought was true, lasting) to start emerging. Can you recall how you felt before he entered your life. What sort of things were you interested in. If you can recall these things, perhaps you could start getting interested again - in time. Wanting to 'lash out' and hurt him is quite normal, but counter-productive. Discovering a person you thought was a friend, dating your ex would be pretty devastating. People who advise you to find things to do, do have your best interests at heart. Maybe seeing a counsellor to help you with the grieving process would be a good starting point. You need to grieve as anyone who loses someone does. Grief is part of healing, no matter what age you are. I suggest you see your Dr (this consultation would be private, between you and him/her), ask Dr to put you in touch with a grief counsellor. Explain to your Dr your circumstances and tell him/her you need some guidance in 'letting go' of hurt feelings. Possibly short term AD's may be of some use. Dr would be the best judge there. Mrs Dools idea of gentle exercise is a good one too.

Lynda.