Why am I so angry when I'm drunk?

[treeguy]

This is a brand new thing for me, I'm feeling ashamed.

I'm 55, have been a family big drinker most of my life, come from a big drinking family. Most of the time I think I can manage this. In the last few years, every say 6 months, I get drunk to a point where I cannot remember clearly what has happened, and I launch a tirade of verbal invective upon my wife. No one else cops it, just her.

In the last few years there have been times where she has been unfaithful, and I felt we had moved on, but maybe I have not.

Anyway, last weekend the same thing happened again, out of the blue, I was going over all the previous grievances, but this time in full earshot of our 13yo daughter. She now thinks of me as an abusive partner (well, I am...).

I'm ashamed of what I can be. I'm disappointed I can't pluck the courage to talk about things with my wife unless I'm really drunk. I'm scared I cannot do any better.

[geoff]

Hello Treeguy, I know what you are saying and want to reply back to you, but I start very early in the morning (12.30am) or so, give or take 30 minutes, but I have bookmarked your comment and will reply first thing in the morning.

I'm really sorry and hope others will be able to reply back to you.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello Treeguy, sometimes it's not possible, or that's how you feel, to talk to your wife unless you have alcohol in your system, because you don't care what sort of reaction you get back from her, whereas sober, you wouldn't dare raise the subject.

The reason could be that when you're sober you fully understand the consequences of what may happen, whereas when you're intoxicated they mean nothing only until the next day.

If she has been unfaithful in the past and you become intoxicated then that's a reason why you say what you want to say, you still haven't accepted the fact why this has happened, so it's an easy starting point, something to always berate your wife over with.

Whether your 13 year old daughter knew about this, now she probably does, and she may think that her mother would never do anything like this at all, so to her it's squandering or creating an argument that shouldn't be.

Since it's happened the alcohol is your scapegoat, however, it's not something that is easy to overcome, I feel sorry for you.

Geoff.

[Rishie]

Hi treeguy,
This is a difficult situation to deal with. It sounds like your family might benefit from having some family counselling, it might help you all to get things out into the open and sort things out. If you keep things inside, they will eventually come out, I've discovered that to be true. . If you are keeping your feelings about your wife's unfaithfulness inside you, they will come out somehow and it seems like it's happening when you drink. finding a way to clear the air between you, such as family counselling or maybe talking things over with a trusted friend, might be the best thing you can do.
Rishie

[treeguy]

Thanks geoff. I've discussed this further, and understand I'm saying lots of very damaging things to my wife, much of it way more over the top than I feel, yet I cannot remember any of it.

I'm just horrified with myself. And ashamed.

I reckon one of these 'events' happens every 6 months or so.

I feel I have just learned that I am an abusive drunk, my wife has been putting up with it for some time because (maybe) she felt in some way she deserved it, but this is not what I want to be.

I don't see a way forward.

[treeguy]

Thanks Rishie for your thoughts. I'm feeling horrified and ashamed. I don't want to be an abusive drunk, so I think I need to stop drinking, at least for the forseeable future. But that scares me, because it feels so ingrained in my being (but I'm up for that challenge).

What also worries me is where that anger, over-the-top, beyond what I 'normally' feel, stuff goes. Do I just make that up? Or is that what I really feel?

[geoff]

Hello Treeguy, OK you have admitted to a drunk, that's good and it's important because if you hadn't said this then you would deny any help, that's positive.

By giving up your drinking all you feel as though you have nothing to fall back on, your feet are pulled out from under you, or you have nothing to rely on, of course, that's how you are going to feel, it happens to everybody who wants to stop an addiction, it's nervous and it's shaky, but hundreds/thousands/millions have been able to do it, and that's what we want to do is help you through this.

Sometimes this anger is built up so much by drinking alcohol, it pulls up thoughts that may not be 100% true and can be imagined to be all out of proportion, so when you don't drink then it's possible to rationally rectify by counselling.

Did you have a chance to read my earlier reply about the medication?

I know this is going to need a great of support and hope you let us help you with this.

Geoff.