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Why am I here?
Welcome to the Beyond Blue online forums. This is a safe and non-judgmental space to share your thoughts and feelings so feel free to keep checking in to let us know how you are going.
It sounds like your life continues to be filled with many ups and downs, and we are so sorry to hear you're stuggling at the moment. We want to let you know that we are checking in with you via email to offer you some additonal support options. We thank you for sharing your journey with us and look forward to hearing from you.
Hello Richard, after reading your thread it's awful to see how you are feeling and hope that Sophie_M has connected with you, which I'm sure has been the situation.
I appreciate and understand your position and being separated from your wife for 5 years would qualify you to get a divorce, so if you can google this 'how to get a divorce in Australia from the post office', then you can download application forms, otherwise, a solicitor will draw up the papers for you.
I hope this helps you overcome this situation.
It's incredibly tough and soul destroying when the question 'Why am I here?' becomes more of a statement (Why am I here!).
Life at the very depths of depression is so overwhelmingly different to life outside of depression, which I know is a pretty obvious statement. I felt various levels of my depression for about 15 years of my life up until some time ago. Now, I can see certain factors with greater clarity, such as the 'Why am I here' aspect. If you were to ask 'Why am I here in this dark and depressing world?' consider the answer to be 'To bring light to it'. You might then ask 'How am I, of all people, to bring light to this world?', the answer may be 'To simply make a couple of kittens happy at the moment' or 'When I track down my ex and bring light to her life, she will pass it onto others'. You'll know you've achieved such a simple task when the kittens happily react or when you ex smiles or laughs.
There are folk throughout history who have been deeply challenged by the darkness in this world and by the thoughtlessness and cruelty of others. They could not stand it anymore and set out to make changes. Sometimes their theory was 'If such oppression leads others to feel as depressed as me, I cannot let us continue to suffer this way'. This is how revolutions happen.
It is one thing to bring light to others, it is another to bring light to our self. Myself, I've become obsessed with acquiring knowledge over the years. I have to know things that will feed my consciousness/awareness. I may not always have the motivation but when I do have it, I can become hellbent on finding solutions to challenges. Spend a heck of a lot of time wondering about things. By the way, it's not enough to simply wonder, sometimes progressive action is needed. An incredibly simple task in the way of wondering may involve you looking around your house for things made of different textures or things that involve producing various curious noises, so you can find and answer to 'I wonder what will amuse the kittens? What will bring them to life?'
I understand that all this may be hard to relate to. The chemistry or lack of it that comes with depression can definitely take over our perception. I do remember those incredibly torturous days.
Curious about some of the things you have always wondered about but never gave further thought to investigating.