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where to from here and what does all this mean
We are together 12 years have 2 kids, 10 and 12 and everything has been going fine up until she started working for a new place which was brought out by new company, (new staff and owners, most of old staff was made redundant but her) after that some changes have happened which I was not aware up until now. After new owners started she has been talking about her boss a lot and how he asked her who he should make redundant and some business aspects, again never thought much of this.
Did notice she would take her phone everywhere with her and she was very guarded of it, I asked her few times if everything is ok, even once if I can have a look at her phone as I feel uncomfortable about situation and I feel something is going on to which she said she will let me see her phone when I don't ask that way and when she is ready.... she was never ready.
There also was one conversation we had where she said she wants a fancy car 80-90k and another house and me as a husband have to provide this as she is tired of working 5 days a week and needs to be spoilt. Also these items will not be a combined effort but I have to do all this on my own terms for family and her.
Week later I went to see my friend which lives close to her work and after that I was going to surprise her with flowers at work, she usually stays late so I had plenty of time but as I was walking towards her workplace I seen her drive off at 5:30, she didn't see me as I was a little away, so I called her and phone rang out once and then second time it was switched off until 7:15(tried calling multiple times) when she called and said she at shops getting some things, before I even got to tell her about flowers she said she had to stay back till late even tho I seen she didn't, having asked few times response was I stayed till late at work had to finish something.
Once she was home I confronted her and she said no way I was there till lave and did not want to admit that she left her work on time.
I love her and our family and care for her but I'm afraid all signs lead to her being unfaithfully with someone else from work. My gut feeling tells me something is up and it has to do with work and its making me feel very uncomfortable and don't know what to do, have tried speaking to her number of times with no progress on anything she either shuts down or gets angry at me, I suggested marriage counseling and she doesn't want to hear about it.
Welcome to BB.
I can understand your concerns, but I would suggest you let things lie for now. At the movement you have suspicions; but nothing concrete. Unfounded accusations will only make matters worse; not better.
I'm not saying you should do nothing; you need to gather the facts first. This may take time; if she is having an affaire, something will slip if you remain vigilant.
In the meantime, I would not be thinking about expensive cars or a new house. Money does not buy happiness and it certainly won't fix a marriage.
One more thing, I would not bring up the phone again. It will only create further unnecessary friction.
Let us know how this all pans out.
Thank you Paul, Sorry I had no time to add more to this story and run out of space. She thinks car and house will fix it, I have actually moved to my friends until things settle as kids were hearing all the fights and I cannot do that to them. Things did not settle.
She says in order for us to fix this I will have to buy a new house and for her and kids to move in and current one to go for rent, so lots of confusing signs. That will show her that I care and I want progress in our relationship, I feel she is putting a price on our relationship and its all materialistic things she is after not our relationship and love.
Since this has been going on for about 2 months now its been an emotional roller-coaster with ups and down and she even tried to remove me from our home loan, and her excuse was to help me purchase the new house for her and kids. Since I have initiated lawyers to put stop to al this and she has been very different, says she wants to speak to me sort things out, she wants us to be as before, but I cannot come to our home as kids told her I will break her heart again and they need time with their mum as they miss her, I'm left in dark and feel its all crumbling around me as she pushed me away so did my kids.
All she talks about is lawyer letter and house, there is no understanding or trying to fix anything, only once she has said she understands me and everything else was attack on me all time, its all my fault for everything that has happened. We went out once to try and speak and that went rather well but then she becomes distant and all communication is thru phone, and she can never see me as kids might get upset or she is tired after work, as I said very confusing, feel she is playing with my feeling as I love her, every time I try and arrange for us to sit and talk its impossible mission.
A new house and a new car will fix nothing; especially if you are excluded from the new family home. There are other problems that need to be addressed first.
Can I ask how the lawyer got involved? Did something happen that required a lawyer to intervene? Is your partner (wife) using the kids to get what she wants?
Lawyer got involved when she tried taking my name off our home loan/ home as one day I got a discharge letter and had no idea what’s going on upon calling bank they were going to settle following day without me knowing.
Yes kids always get brought up with anything and everything, as all these houses and cars are for them and to provide a better life for them, that’s what I get told.
I agree with other problems but she claims house to start will fix it and give our marriage a fresh start. Car can come after house in number one.
I can see the confusion. Your partner's actions don't match her words. Her actions in removing your name from the house mortgage would suggest she is looking for a separation, not a reconciliation. Her actions in alienating you from your children would suggest a similar intent.
The one thing I can tell you is, a new house and car will not fix the problem, no matter what she says. If she were serious about a reconciliation, she would agree to some form of marriage/couples counselling.
Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. Prepare for the worst; hope for the best.
Yes it all leads to this however she is not being upfront with it, I’m so confused with her actions and what she says to me, she cares for me and want to talk to me but doesn’t like where I currently stay either, that’s the hardest part here is lots of confusion, I love her and kids and cannot imagine being without them.
I can also see change in kids behaviour and how they talk to me.
I do agree car and house will not fix it and that might be just an excuse for this to fail?
thank you for responding, much appreciated
Just out of interest, has she always demanded "material support" for the benefit of the kids and the continuation of the relationship?
Is the new house and car a continuation of similar demands made through the 12 year relationship?
No not really it all started recently, up until few months back was all fine no demands like these.
we did look into a new house packages but selling old would be more than enough to cover this and also a new reasonable car up to 30-35k, asking her about a car upgrade about 1year ago she said happy with current and doesn’t want to upgrade yet.