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When The World Is Not Enough
It just doesn't seem to matter anymore. I should be happy or at least satisfied to a degree but it is never enough. I have three healthy children (7,10,16) , a hard working partner of 13 years who is proudly running his own business and keeping me in my labels. I truly don't know where I belong in this forum...I think I'm mostly anxious/melancholic.
He is still crunching numbers after 10pm in his office and he has a bad stomach too now plus excess weight. The business is just consuming him and yes I understand being busy is good but at the end of the week there is nothing left for us as his family because he is too tired or just wanting to do his own thing which is mainly gaming or texting on his iphone smiling? and lying on couch. And there is no family holidays. Last one was 3 years ago. I will add that he has told me that the main reason he doesn't go anywhere with us is because he can't stand Master 10's behaviour and it always ends up in an argument.
We never go anywhere together as a couple. Only Aldi or Safeway or to bank and café to discuss finances or...the children. It is not his fault. It is the only thing we can talk about otherwise we are just sighing over our coffee.
I miss our old life together. We were never great romantics but there was something there like his interest and motivation to do something together. These days it is me and the children mostly and as much as my partner and I love one another our relationship is like a very long business transaction. He provides me with money but not his presence being tired/busy or just plain unavailable. He takes calls all the time and uses big words I don't understand and talks of people I don't know like they are close friends of his.
Meanwhile, I have the children or the hair salon. Or the check-out operators at the supermarkets. Mostly I'm alone which isn't entirely a negative because I write poetry, short stories and sell on Ebay. And how can I put this last? - I keep the house clean and organize the cushions on the couch so it looks perfect. I take great pride in my house-keeping skills and I enjoy it.
Sometimes I just get a little frightened. There must be more than this. I am well dressed, fit and healthy (big on paleo and I don't touch alcohol, drugs or any medication). I'm not ready to resign/give up. I don't to die feeling like this but not ready to grow old either.
I really hope I didn't ramble. Feel better now for unloading anyhow
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Thanks for reaching out to BB. Rest assured that you didn't ramble or if you did this is exactly the place you want to ramble to so we can listen and offer advice and support.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way.
From your post it sounds like the biggest problem is connecting with your partner which I want to encourage you to talk about it more with him. In an ideal world, what would it look like? Are you going out to cafes/movies/being more intimate? Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? I know that it can sound so obvious to tell him how you feel but often communicating in a relationship is both the hardest part and the most important part. Start small; maybe go out for coffee on the weekend, just the two of you. Something realistic, not too crazy but something that you can both make time for. and when you go out - try and put finances and 'couple stuff (washing, dinner, kids) away for later. Just talk about you both - something good that happened that day, what you'd do if you won a million dollars - just anything that doesnt' revolve around have-to-mention-it things.
The other thing I can suggest is trying to set some healthy boundaries with your partner; maybe some nights you both play games where as another night can be 'movie night'.
I had the same sorts of issues with my partner and I know that they are so common; so you're not alone. Try and start really small; even 5 minutes of just no technology just to see what it's like again.
Remember that you can always reach out for professional help to get some advice from either Relationships Australia or the Get Support tab at the top of the page.
Good luck 🙂
First of all i can so relate to this from my own point of view i have been with my partner for over 20 years but we are still pretty young. me 38 and her 37 and we had gone through the same thing and its really hard work . It drains you emotionally and that shows on the outside after time . Something happened between me and my partner and it was not great i have posted about it on this forum but to cut it short it was a complete breakdown between us both. What i can say is this for me life is what we make of it and some people have very different ideas of what life should be .I cant talk for your husband but maybe in his own mind he is being what he needed to be when you first started dating and made a family . He needed to be the provider and look after his family but along the way he forgot whats really important in the grand scheme of things. Have you tried to talk with him about this ?. does he see it as a problem like you have ?. Because sometimes it really does take a bomb to go off before people see whats right infront of them . Also kids are great but they don't understand mum and dad time they just want and need . You could maybe suggest a date night with him where he knows what day it is and he can make sure his work is done and he has that night clear . It is all about trying to find that hint of romance again that gets lost over time .
Thank-you both for your input 🙂 I have been so nervous after having posted. Just all very new to me plus I'm kind of shy.
There are no more date nights for us. Conversation is just not there. I think to a degree we are both worn down and on 'survival mode'.
And in all fairness I can understand my partner's lagging enthusiasm for family orientated activities. Master 10 is a force to be reckoned with. He has what is called "Oppositional Defiance Disorder". Also, he can be very possessive of me and just doesn't like his dad and I being close or affectionate. He gets very hostile and picks fights with him and I end up in the middle.
It has been very taxing on our relationship/intimacy and I find it very hard to talk about what it's like without having to clench my jaw to stop myself from crying. He has a psychologist and a psychotherapist and paediatrician. I can't talk/type anymore about it because I get so sleepy and sad. And for some reason I end up feeling guilty like I'm dobbing him in or something. A traitor.
This morning he shouldered me as he walked passed so I swiftly pushed him back. I said sorry before he left for school but I also told him he shouldn't have done that to me. There was no reason for it at all. I made his breakfast the way he likes it and there was just no need for it.
Sorry if I'm abit off track with my reply - and I sincerely thank-you so much for sharing with me. I must go again
ps - There is a movie called "We need to talk about kevin". It's not quite that bad but... I get scared an di just can't shake it off - I hope to God this is all just in my head. Us parents can really think the worst can't we?
hey again Simona,
being a parent is one of the most thankless jobs on the planet. Our children just assume we will do as we are meant to and do it because we love them. Well that's true we do love them but the toll they take on us and our partners is huge . I can understand your frustration with this as i have 3 kids and none of them know or understand what mum and dad time is . The very minute me or my partner want to talk to each other one of our kids are just standing there not taking a hint we need to talk . But with all that said i suggest even a late night chat with your partner to make a time to talk or go out it maybe hard to arrange but will be worth it for you i hope .