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When love hurts

Community Member
Hey guys was up again all night and now an unfavorable person I love my wife but feel I'm holding her back I know she loves me she proves it by being there daily no matter what but I'm tired of making her feel restricted to focussing on my issues it almost seems like I have turned her into me and if I don't like who in am why would she copy I feel responsible for creating jeckle and Hyde has anyone else done this it's like looking in a mirror at times and now I hate myself for it am now responsible for turning a shining star into a rock how low of a person am II
8 Replies 8

Community Member

Hi Saltbush boy,

Can you help me understand a little more about what you mean by "Seems like I have turned her into me"? Do you mean she seems at a low point too?

I am in a position where hubby cared for me and 3 kids when I had a bad break in 2009 then again after an accident in 2014 and now since August last year when I started getting chronic pain and then I became depressed in December. It has been incredibly tough for him and he has had to miss out on work opportunities for travel, on having his own sports and hobbies, even friendships because of caring for me and the kids. He does everything and I feel guilty everyday and I feel bad that he has given up so much. Some days I see the stress and see how tired he is.

However, I also know that he is his own person, free to make choices and while I feel I have trapped him, he doesn't feel the same. I work at not projecting how I feel on to him. In that when he says he loves me I take it on face value. When he chooses to care for me I accept it humbly and with great respect.  I remind myself that he makes that choice even though I need him.

It is also not possible to change another person without them choosing to do that. Steven Covey is an author who talks about his circle of influence. Draw a circle and list inside things you can control and outside that which you cannot.  Then you let go of your feelings around what you can't and focus only on those you can.

It sounds like you are feeling low or at least thinking lowly of yourself right now, is that right?

I have felt like that at times too. What has helped me is writing down a list of all my good traits and good things I have done in the past. It helps me remember the full picture of who I am. This is just a moment in time and with help it will pass. Perhaps you could also think of what things can you do to improve the situation. Would something as simple as a smile help her feel better? If you know what I mean.

Do you have a support network in place? GP perhaps, maybe others? Only answer if you'd like to of course.

I am not an expert by any means but I hope something here may help or even prompt a different train of thought.

Here for you if you'd like to chat some more.

Kind thoughts,



Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Saltbush boy, I know what you are saying, but you know this can happen to the dad of a new born where the mum has unfortunately got PND, as this happened to me and I got PND, so in other words if someone loves you they will do whatever they can to help you, and although you may feel guilty, please try not to, because she wants to share the pain that you are going through.
Embrace her and hug her for wanting to be there for you, otherwise it's a lonely journey by yourself. Geoff.

Hi lost girl

hope you are well I have noticed my wife is distant now to me the hugs are gone and an Ora of anger and hate sorounds us both she hides things lies and keeps things from me as I do her I feel I have to so as not to upset her and have recently found her doing the same tho instead of saying nothing she just makes things up then forgets what she has told me I am so confused I know when you live with someone you do take on a lot of their traits but to copy to this extent seems hurtful I try so hard to be normal but my dementia has brought me to a dark place she was always my shining light in the dark but now it's as if she is now leading the way down I feel so guilty it just hurts to think I did that to her I hope I have explained myself but I do have trouble finding the right words let's hope this never happens to you your husband sounds like a strong and faithfully committed husband I am envious sit beside him and see if he noticed you are they a touch means more than any spoken word to me we have lost all that now 

Hi mate 

it seems lonely now I have lost all my emotions I try to touch hold hands and cuddle but don't seem to be acknowledged for trying anymore need some help as I go down this road thanks for your thoughts I don't want to ever stop trying but feel she already has I just feel horrible and in the way now 

Hi Saltbush boy,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so lonely now.  Part way through my journey my hubby stopped being affectionate to me, wouldn't come near me at all.  He also kept things from me. I would ask and he'd say "it's nothing".  After quite some time I felt lonely too even though everything else was fine. I ended up getting very angry and blew up one night and we had a doozy of an argument. After the fire burned out and we got to talking properly it turned out that he was kerping stuff from me  because he didn't want to worry me while I was like this and he wasn't coming near me physically because he didn't want to risk hurting me. I had to tell him how keeping things from me made me feel stupid and less of who I am. I also explained how lonely I am. Things have improved in both areas but I still have to initiate any physical contact.

Have you tried talking to her about how you feel? I recognise it's not as easy as it sounds. There's a feeling of vulnerability when telling someone that you're lonely and expecting more of them when they already give so much. I know it's scary to talk not knowing what the response might be, fearing the worse. However I wonder if it's worse when your imagination tries to fill in the answers to the behaviour. I think it's easier to think the worst.

Perhaps when you talk you will hear that she's hurting too. Maybe she needs some support too. If you are able to talk things through maybe you can think of some suggestions to help both of you improve your happiness.

Kind thoughts,


Hi Geoff 

reading through yesterday I decided to try everything I was told I held her cuddled her talked to her and all was good but only momentarily as soon as she was back in the car it was gone have been in hospital for two weeks now and this last week had 4 brief visits should I expect more from my wife or is this reality? I have found now she has turned to drugs with her brother the hostess ( two meanings in that) and is a completely different and distant person I'm just so afraid what we had is gone that I've been looking now to move out even before I go home this feels awfull Easter again in hospital happy hollidays

Hi Saltbush boy,

I am sorry to hear how you're feeling. I hadn't replied earlier as I don't have the right experience or knowledge to help. 

My post will bump your message up and I am hoping by replying Geoff or someone else will be able to help you out.

Thinking of you,


Hi Saltbush Boy

I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time... relationships are so strange. For women like myself the hardest thing to wrangle with is the feeling that your man is pulling away from you emotionally and closing off. Love means vulnerability - the person that makes you soar in the sky with happiness is also the one that has the ability to make you fall and hurt when they show distance or coldness, moodiness etc.

Genuine communication is so important and the need for both partners to feel appreciated and loved as much as possible. I really don't think there is too much space for complacency in relationships.. disappointment takes it's toll and the only way 'back' to happiness is through a great deal of love.

For me, if times are tough with my partner it means I then need more love to feel okay and fully move forward from an issue. If we have an argument I need to feel really confident it is resolved and nobody is going to punish the other one with lingering resentment that might go unspoken...

By the time conflict really destroys a relationship there is not one single little problem but usually a combination of misunderstandings or feelings of being unequal that have built up.

I am living with my partner - we had a whirlwind romance and he proposed in under 4 months.. he is also a shift worker, doing really long days ... Now that we (newly) live together and he is working these 12 hour days 6 days a week - I am realising how drastically he has changed in his attitude towards my company over the last couple of months and it has given me a great deal of anxiety and sadness actually. ... We have gone from soaring in the sky and being the love of each other's life to this very mundane kind of exchange. His dull energy is so draining that I cant' help but feel empty and deprived of the love we initially had. It makes me question everything and I think has even raised issues for me of abandonment and rejection. I am constantly worried about our relationship and whether he has fallen out of love with me. When I talk to him about this he finds it stressful and difficult to discuss. My heart is broken but I realise how these up to 14 hour days of shift work (12:30am - 2pm) are legitimately destroying his vitality.

All I know is love about patience and openness. What we get back is uncertain and always will be. If you are truly unhappy whilst doing your best then you have the right to decide to let it go and know you tried.