Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Funny that I can talk openly about Tourette's, anxiety and my previous marital breakdown, but when it comes to being intimate with someone, I just cannot find the words that don't come across as distasteful.

I have never been the successful bachelor, or the mister right now. That kind of stuff just doesn't happen to guys like me. I am the dork, the geek, the pear shaped cast-aside. I am the one that everyone passes and no one sees; when I stand in a crowd, the crowd stands out. But yesterday impossible happened... I awoke next to someone who I have just met. Even though I felt extremely uncomfortable at the time, I couldn't bring myself sneak out and leave her to feel disrespected; so I stayed. This morning I learnt that she is a really nice person; someone worth spending time with. On departure, she gave me her phone number and asked me to call her. I have no idea what she sees in me, as I am definitely not the catch of the day.

I don't want a purely physical relationship; I want one that is built on the good solid foundation of friendship. I am afraid if I call that she'll want to just be physical again. And I am afraid if I don't, I will miss out on a second chance to live again. How do I put the brakes on the physical stuff to see if a friendship can occur first?

Any suggestions on what to do now would be appreciated.


16 Replies 16

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello SB

I really felt like I was reading my own post when I read your thread topic.

My social life has vaporized since the bulk of the anxiety whacked me when I was 23. I have tried hard to rebuild my social network of friends but with the 'leftovers of anxiety' and then depression all I had the energy for was to keep my own health/career intact...anyhow...

I know its not what you are after in a relationship (same here) but I would feel uncomfortable as well in your situation the next morning. I hear you.

Just my humble opinion but I would hold onto that phone number and.....reciprocate, of course...in your time.

I have a wonderful elderly couple that live up the street from me. He is in his mid '90's with dementia and his wife is late '80's.

The gorgeous (Im very serious) wife made a pass at her hubby to be in the 1940's...Hubby was in WW2 and carried an M-60 machine gun over his shoulder.

Bless her heart....she gave him her address when she was young.....she liked him SB....just like what has happened to you. They have been married for over 60 years...

You have everything to gain here and nothing to lose, I envy your situation...

Good on you to SB

my best


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi SB,

Give the lady a call and see what happens. Invite her out to dinner or to the movies.

Hopefully there will be more than just the physical connection between the two of you.

Without exploring the possibility, you will never know.

Be true to yourself in all of this, you know what kind of a guy you are and what your values are.

Some experiences are only for a moment, others last a lifetime!

All the best to you from Mrs. Dools


You don't have to reduce your intimate moments to seek friendship.

Id allow your intimate moments to come and go naturally. Sometimes we can over think things.

Relationships are best treated as fluid like not structured or regulation in a conscious way.

Tony WK

Community Member
Nice to meet you SubduedBlue's,
May I just say I like your display name. I am not really feeling mine at the mo, so please call me V.

Okay, you've cleaned out the pipes, cool.
One thing I need to be aware of is how I am feeling at any given moment. Particularly when it has come to the 'intimacy thing'. I would think to myself Wow, they really like me; no-one really likes me or pays me attention. This feels incredible to be wanted. Then based on my initial reaction I would proceed to put them on a pedestal and blink stupidly when it all turned sour. So, I really applaud your ability Subdued, to be able to correlate that solid friendship needs to be founded on the vital stuff eg, trust, sharing values etc. Kinda like a car really, let's say you wanna buy a car - I mean, anyone can jump in and let her rip. It's the things like, checking to see if the towbar has been worn - can you afford to fix a car that has had a lot of heavy loads? Is the car a family wagon? Sedan? 4WD? What is it like when it travels uphill? Does it splutter or pur like a kitten? Yeah?
I guess what I am saying Subdued is that, you are obviously here in this forum for a reason and I think it is wise of you to choose the put the brakes on early. You may discover that she is just as incredible as you are or you may discover that she didn't quite make the grade and that's okay. At least you are seeing your worth and not fitting into another person's ideal. Go out and lead by your example, it is all relevant.


Community Member
Thank you for sharing your post Subdued. It helps me understand me better. V.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thanks for the input everyone, it gives me plenty to consider.

One more question, if I choose to wait a few days before calling her... how long can I wait before it becomes too long?


Hey SB,

How long is a piece of string? I'm sure you have heard that said before.

I have no idea about these things.

Phoning back the very next day may make a person sound a little desperate.

Phoning after a couple of days to just say goodaye and suggest you catch up again next week might work.

Leaving it a month might be a bit too long.

If you can't get this lady out of your mind, give her a call. You can take things a little slower next time.

By the way, did she ask for your number at all? Not that I really know what the difference is.

Back when Noah was a lad and I was dating, I had to walk down the street to make calls from the phone box as the flat I was in didn't have the phone connected to the wall!

Best of luck SB from Mrs. Dools

Hi Mrs Dools

How long is a piece of string you ask? Why it is exactly twice as long as from the middle to one end.

But, I understand what you are suggesting, each case is different. One can never really know the expectations of the other until they ask.

And I remember going down the street to use the public phone, just so my siblings couldn't overhear what I was saying or who I was talking to.

I think I'll call her later in the week.


Hi SB,

I've just returned from a short break. It is amazing, four days with out using my mobile phone! I didn't take the lap top as I was no where close to internet connections.

So, have you managed to phone this girl? If so how did it all go? If not, do you think you will call her soon?

I like your analogy about the string! Very clever.

I have another answer regarding the length of a piece of string...it is 2 metres 20 centimetres! I will explain. I volunteer in an Op Shop. A lady came in with a piece of string she had used to measure her window and wanted to know how long it was. When I helped her measure it, the piece of string was that length! I then helped her find curtains that would fit her window.

Back to you, have you been out and about to meet other people as well?

If you still intend to make the phone call, I wish you well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools