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When is enough enough?

Community Member

So long story short myself and my husband have been together for 9 years with numerous breaks /splits in that time yet we have always only lasted a week or two then we are back together. Everything goes great - then things start going downhill again. He loves the social scene pubs, clubs etc and doesn't find an issue with it being 3-4 nights a week so im left continually feeling like in not enough,why isn't he comfortable just being at home with me? And yet when we are out together we generally have a great time together. Both in early 40s.

So Sunday two weeks ago we decided to end it... He said he loved me to much to keep hurting me, it was all amicable and we spoke about remaining friends always. Sunday just gone we hung out for the day he came back to my place and stayed the night we became intimate with each other, hugged all night and it was such a great feeling. We msg daily and have both said we don't want it to be over but need some space to sort things out. Arghhh it's such a bittersweet feeling and i don't know if i myself am going about it the right way... I've read so so many different posts about 'will it work out again' and others stating its best to cut all ties. I love him immensely, cannot imagine a life without him but just don't want to continually keep doing this vicious circle of breakup and makeup.

Anyone in or had been in similar situations any advice would be greatly appreciated xx

2 Replies 2

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Lisslooloo~

Welcome here to the Forum. I feel for you, 9 years is a very long time and a relationship that long certainly becomes a huge part of one's life. It looks like your husband does have at least some habits that differ from you. He likes the social scene often, it look like you only appreciate it occasionally. I guess it would be very natural to feel that something was lacking for him to be outside hte home so often.

Do you mind if I ask why you both decided to end the relationship a couple of weeks ago?

The make up breakup cycle is especially hard, not only the grief but the wondering it it will work, the bitter disappointment when it does not. I'm not surprised you are asking when is enough enough.

I do have to say on reading all your post it looks like there is affection and regard on both sides. Can I ask if he is made as unhappy by all this as you?

I'm not going to suggest either a break is the way to go, or that in time things will get better, you probably have spent a great deal of time weighing all this up. As well of course there is the LAT option (living together apart).

I'm sure you will have considered such things as couples counseling.

Is there any way that his liking being out could be accommodated without a complete split? Apart from that what do you think might be best?


Community Champion
Community Champion


I also welcome you to the forum.

I can sense your love for your husband and the frustration of the break up make up cycle and not wanting to break all ties.

I have experienced over 18 years breaking up making up after 4 years, then another break up and make up after 11 years, then breaking up after 18 years, but 'dating' each other , then very little contact.

Every situation is different, I had children, which is why I tried so hard , but it was a relief for me when it was finally over.

How do you think you could still be together with both of you having your needs met. ?

How would having time apart now help your relationship?

Just a few questions. What do you think?