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What to do..

Community Member

Hey all,

appreciate the site and forum, sometimes it’s a lonely place out there despite being completely surrounded by amazing people,

have been with my partner for over 10 years, we are amazing together, have an incredible life, in the last 12 months, she’s had an affair, I’ve found out / caught her on so many occasions, each time it’ ends in tears, apologies and we work on it over and over, it’s reallly taken a toll on me, self confidence, trust, general heatlh,

But I just can’t seem to end it, I don’t know if that’s considered weak, or love, or what! When is enough enough?

4 Replies 4

Community Member
***edit to my last paragraph... I don’t want to end it, I just can’t handle getting hurt yet again.

Hi Tj tj,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here.

I'm not sure how helpful I can be because I don't think I can really answer your question. I think even if I was in the exact same situation, I wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer - it's really up to you and I don't think there's ever an easy path to go down.

It sounds like you both are in a bit of a cycle - something happens, tears, apologies, working on it etc. Have you ever considered getting some outside input?

A counsellor can be really helpful - both getting some outside perspective, trying to rationalise it a bit while also coping with your emotions where as a relationship/couple's counsellor can also be helpful in working together on some of your strengths as a couple and figuring out how to be together without you feeling so vulnerable (which is totally understandable).

I think a big part of all of relationship stuff comes down to communication. Figuring out why she feels the need to have an affair (like what needs she has that aren't being fulfilled with you) and then how to start to rebuild a new sense of trust. If you're interested, Esther Perel might be a great resource too (both books, TED talks and Podcasts).

I hope this helps a little.

Tjtj , I feel for you to have someone you love hurting you is hard to deal with.obviously talking & counciling is needed.

Good people make stupid decisions,a one off moment of weakness may be forgiven, but a long term relationship with a twisted web of lies & deception may be harder to get past

talk about why she did it & get counciling from a professional

Maybe ask her to renew your wedding vows & recommit to your marriage

if she loves you back you can get past it

If not Don’t let her keep hurting you

Community Member

Hi Tj tj, sorry to hear you are going through this heartache.

I am going through exactly the same but have been with my husband 23 nearly 24 years, he has cheated several times and I keep staying with him because I am scared of being alone. I am very unhappy and he has broken my trust completely and is still dishonest and play mind games constantly.

I have made all the effort in our marriage on my own and it does not work with only one of us making the effort. I asked him what he does for our marriage and he said he mows the lawn, cleans the pool and washes the cars!! Unbelievable but that was his exact answer!

I cannot get over what he has done to me and I keep trying and all he can say is get over it! He has affected me mentally and I am suffering from anxiety and PTSD because the experiences were so traumatic to me.

All I have ever done is do the right thing by him and love and care for him but this is not good enough it seems!

He keeps apologising but continues lying and the mind games!

I am broken and do not know what to do! I cannot keep letting him hurt me and I feel like I am wasting my life away!

Here to chat when ever you need

Take care