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What to do?
Welcome to beyond blue.
What you have gone through in the last 4 years sounds very distressing and painful. Sorry to hear what you have had to deal with. I probably/don't really have an answer to your question, but I am listening to you.
Have you been able to talk to people in your faith community or family?
You said that you tried to convince your spouse to return. Not sure if "convince" is the word you intended as some might say they left for a reason. But that does not have to really be the end of it...
Do you know why your spouse won't return home? Have you been able to have this conversation? Similarly, could you have this conversation (without it turning into another argument)? It also requires both people to be able to actively listen to the other (without putting up defenses). From there you might be able to find some sort of compromise or solution? Or not? Don't give up.
Peace and comforting thoughts,