Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

What to do? She said it's over.

Community Member
Hi All,

This year would mark 8yrs of marriage to my beautiful wife. We have 2 gorgeous girls that just make your heart melt. We have been having a few problems but nothing I thought couldn't be resolved as I thought we loved each other.
For the past 2yrs she has been very blunt with me, she works afternoon's and evenings so I pick the girl's up from daycare. So weekend's I want to spend time as a family and evenings with my wife, but she always choices to go out. We have only ever been out with out the kids 6times in almost 5yrs.
I hardly ever get go out so when I do I may come home a little jolly. She says I drink to much, and I'm always angry. I have been seeing doctor's on and off for a few year's and a counselor last year that didn't tell me to much. Just that we need time together.
Last week she told me it was over. She wanted more kids but didn't want them with me. My whole world fell apart. On the same day my doctor told me that I had an irregular heartbeat that should have been picked up year's ago when he looked at my old test results, this caused anxiety. He gave me some pills and for the first time I felt normal again.
I've tried to explain this to the wife but she just doesn't want to listen. She feels that I took her for granted. I just want to be able to try again. I wrote her an apology letter, I'm not using anxiety as an excuse, but the things I use to worry about and the not sleeping, didn't do me any favours.
I never knew I had anxiety I just thought it was normal. I love my family and just don't know what to do. She doesn't want to try.
2 Replies 2

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Topher, I hope you're still reading, sometimes a lot of posts come through and you can slip down the list and be missed. It's not personal.

8 years together is a decent length of time. It sounds like from what you are saying that for the last two years - and possibly more, as you mention not going out much with the kids for almost five years - there have been some significant issues in your marriage. This accounts for at least a quarter, and at most more than half the time you have been together.

If your wife has been feeling as frustrated as you for that same length of time, then I can see why she might be at the end of her tether. For things to have gone on this long without being resolved suggests that either the problems cannot be solved, or that there has been very little communication.

It sounds at the very least that you have wildly differing perspectives on what has been happening in your marriage, for example you characterising your drinking on rare outings as making you "jolly", whereas she says you drink too much and are "always" angry. Why might you be seeing things so differently?

Your wife may not want to listen at the moment because she feels she hasn't been heard. Perhaps you might start by acknowledging her feelings, sitting down and listening with an open heart and mind to what the last few years have been like for her. Ask her how things would have to be different in order for her to feel differently.

Take your time. With issues that have been building for such a long time, they won't be worked through overnight.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Topher, sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like there's lots of miscommunication with your wife in regards to your priorities and what you both want. Perhaps you could ask if she'd like to sit down and talk and you'd be happy to listen to whatever she has to say. If you haven't tried couples counselling I'd recommend you suggest that too, that can really help and many couples have saved their marriages from something like that. Even if you end up separating I want you to know that you'll be okay, and that you'll be happy again.