What to do about my mum ?

[Jd87]

Hi 

I am needing advice please. To give some background my mum lied about having cancer for nearly a year and we found out it wasn’t true when she was taken to hospital for not taking her medication for 6 months resulting in having a quadruple bypass. That was about 10 years ago, before then till now she’s always relied my sisters d myself to bail her out of her financial troubles. Since meeting my now husband we have been still helping but when I got pregnant with daughter I told her I can’t keep giving her money as I am going to have a child and we’re almost about to move into our house once it’s built. She decided not to talk to me for months and didn’t even come see her granddaughter till a month and half after she was born. After I had my daughter two months she said she was going to kill herself, she has been saying this for awhile when we would talk about her finances and ways to help her for her future. We did a welfare check on her via the police but it didn’t help. Since moving into our house we have been still helping her when we can my sister and myself. Now we’ve gotten to the point we can no longer do it as things are so high in price and we’ve told her to look for a smaller place as she doesn’t need a big place for one person. Last week she sent a lot of abusive messages to my sister and said twice she doesn’t want us to contact her anymore or come see her. I did another welfare check on her via the police as I was sick and live two hours away. After the police left she sent another abusive message to my sister saying it’s the nail in the coffin. This all because we said we can’t help her anymore. I know she needs help but I only work part time and the way she messaged saying all the stuff I don’t want her around my daughter as the messages were so abusive and there was so much swearing for no reason.

My husbands birthday was yesterday and usually she mesages or calls him and nothing this year. I posted something on fb and she commented on there saying I love you. I’m surprised she even commented.

I don’t know what to do as this has been a cycle for so long and I’m over it and trying to speak to her about it doesn’t go well at all because it’s not her way. I don’t want my daughter to see me in this either as this sis toxic. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

She said "I love you"...  actions speak louder than words. Words that we want to hear when said is like she is fishing and you are taking her bait. Yes, her behaviour is appalling.

The problem you have is that she is playing the victim even though you have been giving her a steady income stream for such a long time. By her selling her large home for something smaller and less debt would fulfill a need for her not to need money from other people and you would be happier, sadly though she seems not interested in your happiness, not even interested in putting her granddaughter first instead of her pride.

I think you and your husband have enough problems moving into your new home, paying off debts, working and looking after your child than to pay her and satisfy her needs. Your mum is playing emotional games so I think its time you walked away from the gambling table. To do that means taking a firm stand including removing her from social media and blocking her phone number.

Threatening suicide is a serious and unacceptable action that highlights she needs to see a medical professional. however many people wont do that because the threat is a method of getting a result from you, to alarm you etc. In this case she seems for some reason to believe its her right to extract money from hard working adult children and its remarkable.

I think you need to take the attitude "charity begins at home" - your home.

TonyWK