What should I do?!?

[Hot_Mess]

Hi, I really need some advise and help on what I should do.
I have been married for 18 years and we have 3 daughters together ranging from 13 to 20.
The oldest moved out 2 years ago, so we only have 2 at home. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for majority of our marriage. I also suffer from severe chronic sciatica due to a back injury.
We have been having the same issues for over 10 years which causes many arguments. The main issue being that we have never been a team with raising the girls, I am too hard and he is too soft.
I have always admitted this fault in myself and begged him to work together to find a middle ground, but he never has. Instead we have no rules, no structure, and majority of the time I am left ignored by the children when asked to do things like that I know normal family expect of there own children.
As a result I do get angry and I do yell, I’m the first to admit that this is wrong but after 10+ plus years of trying to make my family work I have had enough.
My husband gets angry with me which I deserve but he insults me all the time and has also allowed our middle daughter to get involved in our arguments and also insult me too. I honestly get told off more than the children do and about the same things he lets them get away with. All this happens in front of the children
The things that have been said too me are horrible. Things like your mental, psycho, no wonder your father hit you, no wonder your father tried to kill himself. He tells me that I make people not love me and after a recent argument he even looked me outside while I had a smoke and said stay outside you dog.

When we make up and I explain to him why I’m so angry time and time again he tells me he’s trying his best and when I ask why he insults me he says because you make me angry. He makes me feel like I deserve it and that I’m worthless.
what should I do I’m a mess?

(Sorry for the long post, I needed to tell the full story)

[Sophie_M]

Hey Hot Mess,

Wishing you a very warm welcome to these forums, we know how difficult it can be to be so open and honest with your feelings, and you have shown so much strength in reaching out to our community here tonight. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low due to what's happening in your family at the moment, and the hurtful words being said by your partner. Please know that you are valuable. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you- you never have to go through this alone. This is a safe space for you to express yourself, and our community are here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need to help you through this. 

We would also recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. The kind and understanding counsellors at 1800RESPECT also have a lot of experience offering support and advice to those in situations just like this- and they're available 24/7 on 1800 737 732 and through webchat at: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

In addition to this, we hope that you always feel welcome to reach out to the friendly counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) and our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) to talk these feelings through, anytime, as often as you need whenever things are feeling overwhelming.

We know it has taken courage for you to share your story today, so thank you. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 
 

[Croix]

Dear Hot Mess~

Your post is not too long, in fact it is only just long enough to get a handle on what you face. I guess I can personally understand part of your situation as I to have bouts of depression, anxiety and a deteriorating spinal condition that is painful and limits my mobility

Unlike you I have good medical and home support and am lucky, unlike you.

Frankly your husband sounds the source of your troubles. It is essential that children cannot run to the softer of the two parents, thus in effect devaluing the stricter. It is also completely unacceptable for children to be encouraged to insult a parent.

The classic thing if one parent is soft and the other strict is to work out a regime beforehand, with compromise on both sides. You husband has failed to do that for ten years and instead consistently undermines your standing as a parent and indulges in cruel and unacceptable abuse.

All the things he says are designed to be the very worst, resonating wiht your own fears and leaving you more upset than can be described and making your depression and anxiety much worse.

To mention a difficult subject I think from your words you may have had an abusive childhood and your father may have tried to take his life. Each of these will have a huge effect on a person, maybe even being a cause of your mental health conditions -though that is a guess, I'm no doctor. They certainly would make your current feelings about yourself worse.

One of the sad things is that peple who have been badly treated over a long time come very often to feel it is in some way their fault, and that they have no value. I do not know why this happens but I do know those feelings are common and completely false.

To put up with 18 years in such a relationship shows a degree of strenght that can only be admired.

Sophie_M suggested Relationships Australia, who can advise you, and may also be able to give family counseling. There are a couple of catches, the first being this problem is mainly caused by your husband, and needs him to go willing to sessions and really try to do what he agrees to in the sessions. Otherwise it is doubtful he will improve.

Your children will have had the example throughout their lives of hte way a woman is treated, and that to needs to be rectified too.

Sophie also suggests 1800RESPECT, another good move.

Trying to realise it is not all down to you, and have more confidence you are in the right is hard -but necessary

I hope to talk with you again

Croix

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