what should I do

[Ali00]

Iv been with my partner for 10 years. during our relationship my trust had been slowly eaten away to the point where I now feel unwanted, unloved and like I'm not good enough. Iv been having dark thoughts over the last six months and they include suicidal thoughts. I often cry for hours at a time and think of ways to end my life. I have 2 children that I love dearly and usually snap me back to reality that they need me but when I'm in my deepest darkest place I feel like they would be better off with out me. I have been a supportimg and listening ear to my friends partner and family through thier tough times but I feel like no one gives me the time when I need support. I feel a bit like my partner has hurt me over and over and now that I'm broken and insecure I'm just an inconvenience, and that he's not prepared to accept I'm hurting because of his actions. I confided in him that I feel depressed and suicidal and he just looks at me and says nothing. Iv been feeling suicidal and poured my heart out in a text only to have him not reply "because he doesn't know what to say"

is this a normal response. I feel like even though it's a difficult discussion if you love someone you would try to talk through it with them. Just to make sure they know you care. Because he doesn't this compounds my feelings that I'm not worth it. When I am at my lowest his response is often so inflammatory that it makes me feel worse..I'm kind of at my breaking point and I don't get any understanding in my own home so I wondered if anyone else experienced anything like this and how they got through it.? I'm just finding it's hard to keep getting kicked when your down. You start to loose the will to get back up again. I have been seeing a psychologist been on medication to help me sleep , anxiety meds and depression meds. i long for understanding and concern from my partner but I don't think it will ever happen and this makes me so sad because I can't comprehend how someone who's meant to be your support can be so heartless. I don't really know how to fix it.

thanks

[Zeal]

Hi Ali,

Welcome to the forum!

Your partner's lack of support and care is concerning, and you truly do deserve better. Until you are able to seek help for your depressive symptoms, especially the suicidal thoughts, making changes in your personal life will be too stressful. You sound like such a caring and supportive person that has been there for others in their time of need. Now is the time that you deserve support. Talk one-on-one to a family member you feel closest to about how you are really struggling and would love some emotional support. Even just being able to call someone when you need to talk would be helpful.

Are you still seeing the psychologist and taking medication currently? If you ever do need to go off medication (on a doctor's advice), make sure you reduce the dose slowly, based on the advice of the professional. If you feel that the current professional help you are getting is insufficient (or if you have stopped having appointments), I strongly suggest you make an appointment with a doctor (GP) for a referral to a mental health professional. Doctors often have various trusted contacts, and may be able to recommend someone for you.

If at any time of day or night you need to talk to someone understanding, you can call beyondblue's 24/7 helpline on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

It's great that you have two lovely children. If you don't mind me asking, how old are your kids?

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal