What does it mean? Should i give up?

[Scaredandunsure]

My wife and i met when we were 14 have 3 kids and have
been together for 20 years married for 10. About 9 months ago things got
really hard for me and suddenly i was struggling with work family life and being a husband
i became anti social, angered quickly, yelled at my wife a lot because i was begging her to
Spend some time alone at home with me and the kids and she didnt want to listen
She thought i was trying to stop her having fun. 6 months of constant arguing and
Name calling and accusations i found out i had been dealing with depression, she had kicked me
Out of the house at the time and we tried to get back together after that but she ultimately
Decided she didnt want to be with me anymore. We have been seperated for over 2 months now
And in that time i have been dealing with rumours about her sleeping with what used to be my best friend
Now background we used to be close as couples. Him and his wife and me and mine
Our marriages pretty much came to an end around the same time and i think the rumours started because of that.
I know the rumours arent true and they havent slept together yet. She has admitted to having feelings for him then feeling love for him and now the feelings are getting stronger. She was coming to him as a friend and they both maintain that he was trying to get her to come back to me but over the course of talking about everything they just clicked. I asked her recently about what she felt about the thought of having sex with him to see if she said disgusted and maybe the feelings are just more a saviour complex seeing as though he kind of 'protected' her from me at times and all she said was scared. Im trying to take a positive out of it but any partner you would be about to have sex with you would have some apprehension or fear right? Is she too far gone for me i love her with every part of me and i cant imagine a life without her. But she says she still loves me and doesnt want a divorce yet. Should i move on? Is there any hope?

[Rumples]

Hi Scaredandunsure,

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. Please know you're not alone and that I'm here for you, so are a lot of other wonderful, caring people. Together, we'll get you through this.

You've been together for a long time and that you should be congratulated for. Quite often couples that come together at such a young age, by the time they're in their 40's are already well into their 20+ years together. By this time you're both very familiar with each other and pretty much, unfortunately, taking each other for granted and that special shine on the relationship has well and truly been dulled by kids, work and life's trials and tribulations. It's an old story, but unfortunately true. This is when most relationships are at their most vulnerable and it sounds like yours may have reached that point.

Living with anyone suffering depression is a difficult task. As sufferers, we ourselves don't see what we're putting them through as everything looks normal to us. It may have been at this time when your wife was reaching out to those around her for comfort in dealing with everything. Not just your illness, but life in general. This often opens doors of opportunity for romances of fancy to occur. That attention and excitement that comes with early relationships is a very attractive lure. It does sound as though that this may very well have been what happened with your wife and your friend. The fact that his marriage ended around the same time yours did, one could speculate that this was a coordinated effort by both he and your wife to leave their respective partners to pursue a relationship together. Who knows?

The fact that you wife is saying that she now "loves him", regardless of how she came to these feelings is neither here nor there. She is openly stating now she loves him would indicate that she may have very well already made up her mind where she wants to be in her life now. I think you would be at odds with reality if you thought she was going to come back to you.

You need to focus on yourself and getting better. Worrying about "is she or isn't she sleeping with him" is only going to add more confusion and depression. You're best bet is to start living your life the best way you can, seek medical help and work on getting better if you want to have any chance of winning back your lady love.

Please come back to me with your thoughts. I'd love to hear them.

Your friends - Rumples

[Betternow]

Dear Scaredandunsure

You have my deepest sympathy. Your marriage situation is probably the toughest situation you will ever have to face, and I’m sure you will receive support in this forum.

I fully support Rumples wise words. I am a person who also carries the burden of anxiety and depression and my wife left me for another man, so I do understand your pain and confusion.

I read your post 3 times to make sure I am understanding the nuances here, or at least as best as I can. It is highly likely that your wife is already romantically involved with your friend. She will downplay it because she wants to lessen your pain and she may be still unsure of her future.

If you push hard to win her back, you may actually push her further away. The only person you can control is yourself, you have limited influence on your wife, especially if she is in the middle of the so called “affair fog”. Keep relations with your wife courteous and civil but on no account beg or plead for her to return. If she knows you love her, that is enough.

My advice is the same as Rumples, be an example of the best man you can be, especially model courageous behaviour in front of your children. Look after your physical heath. Exercise hard and eat nourishing food. Remember, countless men and women have been in your situation and survived and eventually thrived. Please feel free to respond if you would like more clarity.

[Guest_3256]

Hello friend and hope that you are keeping strong.

It can be really hard to understand at times and can become a minefield that can manifest and become so destructive in so many ways.

You need to look after yourself and to realise that it's not you, it's her. Some people will disagree, however, you are being treated poorly, your emotional and physical needs are being rejected and neglected, she will pull away to find someone else to fill the void that she cannot fill herself with loving and accepting you as person.

Your wife needs to understand that her behaviour is unacceptable and that she cannot control you anymore. You need to take the control from her. Maybe try distancing yourself if she isn't willing to resolve her issues or communicate effectively with you. Focus on your health, fitness and look after yourself, remove her from the equation so she can miss you and when she comes back, if you want her to be in your life, put in some really strong boundaries so that she understands that you are important. Your relationship is not a dust-bin. People just don't jump ship unless there's something going on.

Good luck.