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What do I do

Community Member

My wife and I had our first son as planned, after a year of marriage. then we tried unsuccessfully for the next 5 years,  which eventually led to a separation for a year. when we got back together we were able to have another child which we were grateful for. The next few years we tried again and again only to lose 5 babies to miscarriage. During this time I have lost many family members including my dad who nearly died from a bowl obstruction then recovered only to find that he had a tumor behind his heart. He died 4 weeks before my 40th. Next my wife fell pregnant again and all was going well. We thought my dad was watching over us with this baby. My baby boy died at 38 weeks gestation. I'll never forget the pain of holding my  perfect son in hospital, willing his eyes to open. Such a tiny coffin at his funeral. Now nearly 4 years later I cannot concentrate. I am sad. I feel like my wife doesn't care if Im around or not. We have no affection anymore. I work away and cant wait to get home to my family only to pick up the last argument we left off last week. I am depressed and anxious. I dont know what to do. If i try to speak to my wife about it she says nothing is wrong or Im overreacting, Im putting words in her mouth, She is sick of how things are and wants it to change or shell leave. She wont sit and talk. I have a choking feeling in my throat all the time. sometimes i cant sleep because of it. My chest is tight and im tired. i just want to be happy. not too much to ask. What do i do?

4 Replies 4

Community Member

Mate - my heart goes out to you. We lost our third child at 30 weeks; I think it was the single most traumatising event in my life. When I carried the coffin out of the funeral I felt like I was giving away a piece of my heart. I can't even guess at what you two must be feeling having been through such hell. The fact that you have both stuck it out this far is a tribute to both of you. Be encouraged that this speaks of great strength in you - you probably don't feel that way right now with your reserves gone and things looking hopeless, but you are.

I think it would be surprising if, after such a string of traumas and tragedies, you weren't depressed and suffering.  You need to see a good GP who takes mental health seriously and has experience dealing with it as a starting point.  Meds are not going to solve your problem, but what they will do is to help lift your permanently low mood so that your head is in a better space to take the next steps toward getting better. The literature shows that antidepressants + cognitive behaviour therapy/psychotherapy work significantly better than either treatment alone.

It must be hard watching your wife struggling but being in denial. It sounds to me like you both need help. Unfortunately we each need to recognise our own need before we can accept help; until she is able to see that for herself she probably won't be able to reach out for help.

Maybe what you can do is to start the ball rolling for yourself. Go and see a doctor and begin your own treatment. It will take time so don't expect an overnight fix (meds can take 4-6 weeks to kick in, and sometimes you'll need to try a few different ones to find the best fit for you) but if she starts to see changes in you with treatment, it may trigger her to see that it might help her too. I'd avoid "preaching" to her about it; just let the evidence of change speak for itself. But I guess the main point for you in all of this is that there is hope. Things can get better if you're prepared to take the right steps. I can't promise your wife will get on board but it seems to me this might be the most likely way to help both yourself and her.

Thanks, I have tried antidepressants before. My wife saw it as a weakness, thats how I took it. she would roll her eyes when I went to fill the next prescription. Im now also taking blood pressure tablets as the ole blood pressure got to 190/105. Nearly ready to burst the boiler!. I am a bit hesitant on taking antidepressants again with the blood pressure tabs. I know a doc could probably sort this. My son would have been 4 years old this year and I still get teary when I think of him. Im terrified of dying and not being with my two boys that i have now. ..... Dont know , words cant explain how i feel. 

I know what you mean, my little girl would be 14 now and I can still get teary thinking about her. It's a strange thing and impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been through it - how you can have such strong feelings for someone you never got to meet. I won't lie and say that the pain goes away, but it does get better - it probably took about 7 years for me to notice the pain becoming less sharp. Now it's just a part of my internal background unless I focus on it closely.

I'm sorry to hear antidepressants didn't seem to work so well for you last time, that must have been disappointing. I don't know what you tried - maybe you tried a few different types, but maybe you haven't hit on the right one for you yet?  Could be worth working with your doctor to try something different this time around? I don't know, I can't talk from any experience about success with meds as I'm still waiting for mine to kick in after starting on the weekend. Right now I feel as blah as ever, I'm just working on hope that these will be the ones that do it for me.

Don't be afraid to try a different doctor too if you aren't confident with your regular GP wrt mental health. Different doctors have different strengths; I'm seeing a different GP than my usual one for my depression and am really glad I did. Doesn't mean my GP is no good - just that this is not his area of expertise.

I do think though that you should consider seeing a counsellor or therapist as well. Even if pills help you feel better, you've got a lot of stuff to deal with and I'm guessing some help with that wouldn't go astray.

It must be really hard with your wife not supporting your choice to get help last time. Maybe if you want to try again, you could do it "on the quiet" - it might be better for your own success not to have that added stress for now. If things go well you could choose when/if to share that you've been having treatment.

Not dying is certainly the best thing you can do for your family! I'm sure they love you more than you know and would be devastated if you were gone.

Putting my virtual arm around your shoulder...

Community Member
Taking medication is NOT a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you have recognized that you are not ok and you are doing what needs to be done to fix that.. dont worry about mixing with your bp meds, your gp will ensure that you are notprescribed anything which can react together..

Would your wife be willing to read this thread and have a look through the bb website, might help her to open up her mind...

Good Luck