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What do I do? So unsure...

Community Member

I thought we were forever we have been together since I was 16, going on 18years, married 10, kids, house and a whole life.
It came crashing down in December, my world I knew was a joke.

December 13th the kids and I went back to our home town to for my mum 60th whilst my husband stayed home for 2 days; when I got there my parents told me dads battle with cancer was not going well and there was nothing the doctors could do he may have a few weeks. After crying to my husband on phone he told me to stay to spend time with my dad. This was strange to me as he lies alot. I would monitor his messages on Facebook. 17th Dec after saying good night I read the most painful thing. He had a girl we Knew 12 years ago an old neighbor stayed Over they fooled around (no sex just for play). I was broken! I wrote back telling them I was reading their story for few days. husband called 1 min later denying it but I sent him a screenshot of all they had said The next few days were a blur he was sorry he wanted us. it was awkward when we got home, he didn’t say a thing. Then we started fighting every single day I wanted answers he didn’t want to give, I wanted the story and he gave more lies, I wanted him to change and he thought he shouldn’t have to he thought isolating himself from us and ignoring it will make it all ok. He shouted at me, he blamed me he called me names he just didn’t want to hear anything I had to say.

Things were not good but not bad but The kids and I went back home at the start of January and my dad passed away on the 15th I was the strong one of my family and had to hold it together But when home I wanted to know the truth and we had a huge fall out I was done and I expressed that if he can’t be honest with me I would help him pack his bags. He stuck to his story. As usual he turned it round on me and made out I was loosing the plot needed to calm down and work on myself, sadly this worked for I started to change myself while he changed nothing. I still did absolutely everything round the house and kids whilst working while he changed nothing. I did whatever he wanted while he still yelled and called me names. I had enough so I messaged her for her side, no reply until today.
my heart broke again as it turned out he lied about so many things and they had done this 12 years ago when we were neighbors.
what to do? what to say to him? my life I know has ceased to exist I am wonder about other times I thought he had cheated!i am lost! Help


2 Replies 2

Community Member

Hello Havaheart

Your post is indeed very sad. You’ve had no time to grieve upon the death of your father and you are pitched straight into an infidelity issue with your husband. You describe your life as a joke. It’s not surprising you are feeling lost. Although your husband said there was no sexual component to his fooling around (no sex, just play), in my books that’s still cheating.

My concern is that even though you have caught your husband red handed in a very inappropriate situation and now you have corroborated evidence that this has happened before, he is not expressing any remorse or asking for forgiveness. If ever there was a red flag in relationships where infidelity is the issue, this lack of remorse is the likely defining signpost towards your future.

I feel it’s not my role to advise you on what action to take but everything I read tells me that the future prospects for your marriage are dim. Your children are obviously a major consideration and having them listening to heated arguments is not going to help their outlook.

I do feel very sorry for you but you sound like a woman with a lot of resilience. If the marriage can’t be saved, you will have to make plans for you and the children. Hopefully, some other readers of your post can chime in with some advice.

Hi Betternow

thank you for your honest response I feel I need this or really any advise as I am truly lost and I don’t know what I feel anymore other than broken. thus why I posted in the first place.
I agree with you that I have not been able to grieve my dad at all coz this is all I think about and that makes me feel like crap even more. My husband has taken that right away from me.
just like I feel that my entire life is one big lie and that I second guess if he even loved me at any point. Why why why is all I can think of. I just want answers and I hope I get them.
I will be confronting my husband tomorrow after work with everything I want to say in a letter that I will ask him to read in front of me then I’ll show him what evidence I have to back my assumptions up.
In a perfect world I would love for him to finally understand what he has done to me and say sorry and truly mean it then answer what questions I do have.
but we don’t live in a perfect world otherwise I wouldn’t be in this situation right?
mine can only hope