What constitutes abuse?

[Sparks16]

Hi

Hope everyone is doing ok 👌

Have a few questions I need some clarity with.

I have been with my partner around 5 years. We have a 7 year old and a 2 year old. 

Things were ok with us from my POV until the day my partner told me she was pregnant 3 years ago.

Since then I have felt I have been spoken down to, bossed around and controlled. 

I get called a c$#& and a piece of crap at least a few times a week, comments about my appearance and accused of being a narcissist and gaslighter etc weekly aswell.

I feel constantly confused and wonder whether I really deserve all of this as apparently I'm the problem. 

Yes I havnt been a perfect parter at times and as a male don't express myself as well as I could or communicate well at times and have upset her on occasions but who hasnt?

 I keep trying every day for the sake of my kids but wonder is this really normal or have other experienced this?

Bit of background on our childhoods, I came from a very stable happy home until my parents split when i was 22, partner on the other hand received a lot of abuse from what I've been told and was out of home by her early teenage years

Just wonder also whether this would have had a big impact on how she treats me as an adult. 

Any advice would be much appreciated because I am at my wits end. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Unfortunately there is no advice here? 😞 But I am listening.

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling in your relationship and are feeling emotionally drained. It sounds as though you are subject to a lot of verbal abuse which can be very distressing and difficult to cope with. No one deserves to be called hurtful names or made to feel inferior. From my perspective, it's not okay for your partner to speak to you in this way, and it's important to set boundaries and communicate your needs in the relationship.

In terms of the impact of your childhoods on your relationship, it's possible ... past experiences and traumas can affect how we relate to others in our adult lives. It may be helpful to explore these issues further with a therapist to gain a deeper understanding of how your past experiences may be impacting your current relationship.

You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and compassion, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being and the well-being of your children.

If I had a question it would be... how do you feel or what do think when you are spoken to this way?

[Sparks16]

I feel totally worthless and as though nothing I do is ever good enough. 

A very hard thing to deal with on a daily basis.

Throw in 3 years of no intimacy and there is a lot of disconnection and frustration in there too 😔 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sparks16, 

Thank you for sharing this here. We’re sorry to hear what you’re going through.

In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated and treated with respect. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how your partner has been treating you. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat.

You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. The Beyond Blue counsellors are also available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here. 

We’re sure our warm and kind community will spot your post soon, some of whom may be able to relate to what you’re going through. Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story here.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[smallwolf]

hello,

Sophie_M has provided good resources for you to follow up with.

It is sad to read the effect this has had (is having) on you. And not deserved.

I hope you don't mind me asking questions and please do not feel you need to answer them. (it's just my style)

Have you ever had a chance to talk with your partner about the effect this had on you?  Or what about your family? Have been able to give you any advice?

[quirkywords]

Sparks 16

Sorry to hear about how you are treated. 
i know the feeling of being criticised and I can’t do anything right.

sophie has given you helpful suggestions.

Is there ever a time when you can speak calmly to your partner..?
is you partner calm with the children ..?

[Karen0901]

I'll wade into this with some possible advice/insight. 

Yes, those experiences likely would effect how she reacts to situations and in turn, how she treats you. I know I have unfairly turned on my husband at times because of my mental health. I usually realize what has happened and apologize but she may not have that same self awareness. Or may not be in a place mentally where she can do it. 

I would strongly suggest sitting down with her after the kids are in bed and talking about the change in her behavior. Do it from an understanding point of view, not a critical one. There is a good chance something about having a second child has upset her mental health. 

There is also the emotional abuse you feel you are experiencing. Explain this to her. She may not realise what she is doing. If she doesn't listen or tries to turn it all on you, then you may have to think about what you should be putting up with. Taking a break may make her realize what she has been doing and want to fix things. It might also lead you to making your own decisions. You will need to speak plainly to her though. You may also need to consider what you could do to help the situation. You may also not realize you are doing certain things that are contributing to the problem. You need to be open to change if you want her to be. 

I hope this has helped in some way and I'm not way off the mark. Sometimes it can help hearing another perspective.