We're not over, but is it?

[JoeBlue32]

I recently discovered my wife was thinking of leaving me. I found out by stumbling across some of her social media MSGs. I then read further back and found it had been brewing for some time. There were a number of issues why she had come to this conclusion and I immediately set upon fixing these issues thinking that would make a difference. I came clean to her about reading her MSGs and things have been turbulent ever since.

All the issues she had with me I had counter issues with her. We didn't communicate effectively and I understand that now. I also thought of leaving  a couple of years ago but we had two babies and she was heavily depressed so I stayed to do "the right thing". I'm glad I did because things got better for me and I now love her more than ever.

Fast forward a couple of years and the situation is reversed. I suggested couples counselling and she agreed initially but later in a very emotional discussion she said she didn't want to and insisted she was not leaving because it would tear apart the kids. She then insisted I wasn't leaving either.

She says that she loves me. I am her best friend. This gives me hope but I am also not naive. I know relationships and feelings change and it can get better, but it may not. I love her more than ever and I am struggling with the thought of living with someone I love but who isn't in love with me.

Part of me says stay because I have her, not 100% but she's here. I also have two adorable kids who I couldn't ever hurt. The other part says it will hurt short term but give it some time and if her affection doesn't return or progress in the positive get out.

 I don't know what to do. 

[geoff]

dear Joe, I can only say how sorry I feel for you, and this very difficult decision that you have to make, as I've been through exactly the same.

We can still love each other but it could come to a point where we can't live together any more, and perhaps it's just the kids that are holding us together, however this may only benefit the children, knowing that their parents love them, but in the long run, even if you do separate you will still love them just as much, except you won't be there 24/7.

I just want to say if any of these messages had upset you, as they were brewing for a long time.

I'll push that last comment aside for the moment, but love can change so much in a marriage, it doesn't mean that you don't love her, it's a different type of love, affection or a caring type, and whether this is because you both have had children together, is only something which you can decide on.

I still love my ex, even though some things I didn't agree with, but the love won't go away for me and I think for her.

What I am trying to say is that if you are only staying in the same house for the kids sake, then the majority of the time you could feel miserable, because if her affection towards you isn't there any more then you need to move out and then start a new life, this doesn't mean that you won't see your children, and it's a big adjustment, and your kids will be upset, but over time they adapt to the new arrangement.

The main point here is that you have to be happy in what you decide to do. Geoff.