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Was confessed to, things have spiralled.
For context, my partner (let’s call him Steve) and I have been together for almost 4 years. My friend I’ve known for 6 years now, we’ll call him Jon.
Steve and I on paper, would seem a perfect relationship. We’re quite different people and don’t have much shared interests that lead to us spending quality time together, but we have a stable, healthy relationship with regards to honest communication and respect. But I feel like something is missing and this feeling isn’t new.
Jon confessed he has feelings towards me and I do feel affection towards him. We have a great friendship, and we share a lot of hobbies and since then I’ve become so confused about what I want that my mental health has spiralled. I’m dizzy and retching in the mornings, I can barely eat.
What’s the scariest is I don’t know what’s real anymore. I know I’ve gone through the same feelings of lacking in my relationship but I feel like I gaslight myself on them. Or that I shouldn’t expect more from my relationship and should just be happy.
I feel like fear is currently keeping me in place because I don’t know if I’ll find anyone better to me than Steve and I love him dearly. I feel love from him but not romance, and I was raised by a mother that thinks love and feelings are stupid and it only matters that you have someone that will take care of you.
I don’t know what to think. Nothing feels right. I’m really scared and can’t see where to take the next step.
I didn’t want to overload with detail so it might not paint a clear picture. But I appreciate any replies and thank you in advance.
Hi aomame-thi and welcome to the forum .
You realise that you and Steve have a healthy stable relationship with good communication and respect. I can see how you have had a feeling that something was missing and you wanted more.
I can understand how confused you feel now after Jo confessed how he felt about you.
I wonder if Jo had not revealed his feelings for you, how would you be feeling now?
You have thought that maybe your relationship with Steve was lacking something but once Jo confessed it has made things real and no wonder you feel sick and confused.
Does Steve know Jo well?
How would you feel about working on what is missing in your relationship with Steve as you have had a solid relationship for 4 years. ? Would that be possible.
Even though you are friends with Jo and have an attraction you have not experienced a long term relationship with him . is Jo single?
I am just asking a few questions and as you say I don’t know the whole story. Feel free to answer or not, there is no pressure.
Did writing this all down help you in any way to make sense of your thoughts.
Thanks for sharing your story and you are not alone as others redaing this will relate to you.
If you want to discuss things further I’d be interested in your thoughts.
Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply and some great questions.
I still was feeling concerned that something has been missing from my relationship before Jon told me his feelings. Things get better and I kind of put those thoughts on the back burner, which is why I wonder if they’re valid at all.
Jon and Steve don’t really know one another, barely acquaintances - just met on one or two occasions. And yes, Jon is single.
You’re right that having the confession happen, and then having to deal with it and seeing the hurt from the rejection has been really confronting and made things real.
I suppose I’m wondering whether Steve and I can even really work things out if it is a matter of our personality types being different in that regard (interests/ways to spend quality time).
I know my perspective on relationships has been influenced by my mother - who believes feelings are fleeting and to prioritise someone that takes care of you. I’m confused about what I want/should expect from love. And to be honest, Steve is someone that is absolutely husband/life partner material so I’m scared to make the wrong call.
Writing things down has definitely helped - I’m reaching out to Headspace for help soon. And I appreciate this space and your time to just settle down in the meantime.
Thanks again, Quirky.
I can see how confusing this all is. By the sound of it your relationship with Steve has all the aspects your mother would have considered important -which of course does not mean she herself knows everything.
I guess this is borne out in that even with that stable base you find something missing - also I get the feeling you are not a confident person who feels she can make a life without the support of another -my apologies if I've misunderstood.
Jo may, as Quirky suggests, be a trigger, bringing to the front of your mind the things you need and you are not getting. This does not of course mean a life with Jo would work out. You may find he is not entirely waht you expect, plus of course you will no doubt have feelings related to your leaving Steve - as might Jo.
You do say Steve loves you, which is a pretty hopeful start. Do you think if you were frank wiht him about your feelings of lack that together you might improve your realtionship. Either talking between yourselves or wiht hte help of a councilor?
From my own experience I cna say I have had two wonderful relationships which each have lasted over 20 years. In neither case was I like my partner, chalk and cheese. True we have some things in common, a value of honesty and kindness, a need to give and receive comfort, to be and expect reliability.
However in many other ways we have been completely different, my partner likes TV, I don't. She is social, I'm more withdrawn. I can be interested in a book on computers, she might like a magazine on the Royal Family. You would think there is not a lot in common.
I'd say we compliment each other. For us having the other in the same house can be enough, it does not have to be in the same room all the time.
So can I suggest you see if those 4 years have built enough of a base for you to find waht you need, also maybe waht Steve needs too before doing anything irrevocable?