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Utterly lost and confused.
So me and my partner met 1 year ago have been dating on and off since, it became very bad quite quickly he let his ex girlfriend actually break up on several occasions and he also left me for someone else which is bad enough right? but my 30 year old self fell in love so i became desperate to fix his mess and to hold onto what little I could of our relationship. Soon in batween that I had learned that he blamed me for literally everything even if it was not my fault it was his and made me feel really horrible. Whenever we had issues instead of coming to me he went to his friends told them lies about me wondered why they hated me and let his friends actually decide everything in our relationship and yet I was still to blame I was still at fault for that. I have broken it off several times lately but he always comes running back making new accounts to contact me on knowing he hasn't left me enough time to get over my hurt from the break up telling me he loves me he is sorry for everything he wont do it again and begs me not let leave him again then it's like after he has gotten me back a lightbulb goes off in his head and he goes back to his normal self. He has cast so much heavy doubt into my mind about myself and my feelings that I can feel myself breaking and I no longer know if im wrong or right good or bad or who I am anymore. When he is really wanting me to shut up he always uses the "I'm going to leave you" trick or the "well you can leave im not stopping you" trick. I now fear making him angry he just looses it entirely over such small little things. We have had several arguments about me wondering why he never tells me "I miss you how are you doing?" because he said "I never miss you i can contact you when i want to" and "I never miss anybody it's not just you" and then yelling at me telling me how needy I am. He tells me off on a daily basis telling me I am a drama queen im too over emotional and I just need to relax "I have never known anyone who does this to me like you do nobody else does this" I simply ask a question and thats the responses I get. He made me feel guilty for going onto an online game forgetting my profile said single and character had a semi-revealing outfit and his friend took a picture of me entirely on my own not near anyone and told my partner I was cheating and he blamed me for that. Any advice?
Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.
Firstly well done for posting here. I am not a trained professional. I am just like you - just another user on the forum that suffers from anxiety and depression. Am I correct if I said this was a very ON and OFF relationship. That is, ON when he wants it? You will have to forgive me if ask dumb questions. As you you playing a online game, the reaction you got was a little weird I would say, not very mature either. Then again, I don't know the game you play, except that is something like WOW or Asian developed MMO I know the type of character.
You also mentioned having several arguments with him. To my mind, any relationship is built upon open and honest communication. There are other things. So the question I would put to you is this... Have you or are you able to have a conversation your partner, and let them know of the effect his actions are having on you? And maybe ask him why he reacts the way he does is certain situations? Maybe work out the solution together?
And from that conversation (should you decide to have it) the proverbial ball is on his side of the court and work out where the relationship is going. And you would also be able to work out how much (more) time to invest in it. I know these conversations are hard. But they can also build the relationship, taking it to another level.
If you have any questions or want to chat, please let me know.
Hi Yuna Summers,
Welcome here : ) I'm sad to say but a lot of how your partner is treating you just isn't ok.
Wow the "well you can leave i'm not stopping you" trick. My ex used to say that to me constantly every time I tried to speak to him about his behaviour, then when I did actually leave for good, he was devastated. Funny that. There was so much he could've done to fix himself (he was an ice addict) and the relationship, I suffered immensely while I waited for him to change because I loved him but in the end he didn't see how wrong he was until it was too late. Fast forward 2 years- I'm living a happy life and he is in prison.
You should never feel afraid of your partner PERIOD. A relationship should make you feel loved, supported, safe and happy, you deserve all those things and if you aren't getting that from your current partner then maybe its time to look at where the relationship is going.
I agree with smallwolf in that having an honest conversation with him about how much his behaviour affects you is a great way to go but only if you are safe to do so. If you aren't safe to have this conversation then to me that says you need to get out of that relationship.
Do you have much support around you? Family, friends or even a GP you trust to reach out to? Telling someone whats going on is the best way to support yourself through this, I know its hard but it really does help.
You could also try 1800RESPECT.org.au or Relationships Australia for further advice and support.
If you have the conversation with him or try to and he's not interested then I would take a step back from the relationship- take some time to yourself to think about what you want. You can't force someone to change their behaviour, no matter how wrong they are, they have to want to change and if your partner doesn't see how he's treating you isn't fair then you definitely deserve better.
I hope that helps, I really hope you can find happiness either in your relationship or out on your own.
Take care of yourself
Hello Yuna Summers
Your partner sounds very controlling. Please talk to someone you trust. A year is not a very long time, in the grad scheme of things. I feel if things are this bad after one year, they will escalate with time. I think you can see this. I know you say you love him, but he is confusing you, because he is manipulating you.
Trust your instincts. You know is right for you. Seek out the help of someone you trust.
Take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy in a healthy, loving relationship.
Hi Yuna Summers!
If your partner is killing your self-esteem, I would suggest it's time to cut him loose. In a healthy partnership, a couple will help facilitate each other's evolution. I believe there is a reason the word LOVE is found in EVOLution. A thoughtful partner will bring you closer to knowing your true self, the best version of you, not leave you doubting your value and wondering who you are. Must say, I agree with a lot of what 'To Old For This' has to say.
The more time you spend with him, the less time you will have with someone out there who knows how to bring out the best in you. At the moment you seem committed to someone who knows exactly how to bring out the fear in you. Be careful - do not make the mistake of letting him destroy you for this can lead to grief/depression, over having lost your sense of self. it is important that you be celebrating who you are (how special you are in this world).
Hi. Something in your last post struck me. Then I looked at my reply, then the other replies and your original post again. Repeatedly.
Would be be fair to say this is a one sided relationship? You doing all the giving and him taking? Let me know if I am wrong? Was there a time when things were different?
Do you have any family members or friends that you can talk to? Spending time with people who you trust and who make you feel safe so that you can feel comfortable sharing your inner world and your feelings with them.
There are probably 2 things to remember. The first is that your value and worth does not depend on their validation. If things becomes overwhelming for you, be aware that professional help is available.
Try to enjoy the weekend?
It might help if you consider the idea of gradually becoming a little more independent from your partner, day by day. Think of ways in which you can redefine yourself gradually as a strong, valuable and capable woman so that if you do decide to split, the impact won't throw the new you too much. In the process, find some outlets/interest that give you a sense of value, for the brain often needs proof when it comes to us being greater and more deserving than what we imagine our self to be. If you believe this may be difficult to achieve, ask some friends to help inspire you. I imagine you will find 1 of 2 things will happen; either he will break off the relationship or he will feel threatened by your new-found independence and confidence.