UPDATED: same s#!+, different day

[redgirl-blackdog]

Hi, I'm new here&hoping that venting might help but doubt it. I've been in constant pain for 3 1/2 yrs&separated from alcoholic husband for 9 mths. Neurosurgeon recently told me he would not operate on my neck even tho all other options have been exhausted. I just want to hug my kids with both arms.Last week GP sent me to psychologist,again,hoping to deal with pain, marriage breakdown, grief from father's passing&how I don't seem to be coping that well. I really don't feel like it helps, just talking about the same thing over&over again. And today when ex husband bought twin sons home from access w/e, he started his b.s again. He asked for some bar room memorabilia last month&I told him I would pack it up for him to pick up next day, he agreed, so I did. So yesterday I moved it from where it sat for a month under deck& put in all in plastic bags (rainy day here)&in trailer out front for him to get, he asked why I put it in rubbish bags&threw in trailer&before I had a chance to remind him, he said (in front of boys) that I treat him& marriage like rubbish, I did not argue back, just said it was to protect his stuff from rain. He always turns things around to make me out to be the bad guy.ALWAYS. He has told his family&friends that I just stopped loving him. We were married for 9yrs, together 2yrs before that&in that time he was never a handyman, a demo man who was "gunna" fix stuff or get a mate to help but never did, I believed him when he said he was getting help organized. We didn't have a cold tap in bathroom sink for last 4yrs or hot tap for bath for last 7yrs or gutter/downpipe on front patio for last 6 yrs among plenty of other things but he was often away for w/e "helping" mates with their jobs(read drinking). I've since been told by him, we didn't go out anywhere because he was "always" doing jobs around the house that I made him do &/or it was because we couldn't afford to fix , but "we" could still afford 2 + cartons of beer every week&rego/insurance for broken down V8 ute in garage he was gonna fix.The twins are nearly 10&are just learning to swim cause I believed him when he said he'd get it organised. Stupid me believed him about lots of things. Even when I pleaded with him to slow down drinking for him/kids/me. As I write this the kitchen tap is dripping relentlessly& it's just about to send me over the edge. I can't afford a plumber this week but I have to put up with it for the sake of my kids. If it wasn't for my kids... I love them more

[geoff]

hello, I can feel your anguish in what you have written, but if there hasn't been a divorce then you are still attached with him by your sons who are 10 years old, but to spend $80 odd on beerr every week is a large sum which could have been better spent on house-hold repairs.
I have to tell you that I too drank while I was depressed but it certainly didn't cost $80 a week and I was fortunately a builder/handyman, but my drinking was one reason my ex -wife divorced me, but that's all in the past now and only drink socially now, I just had to explain my circumstances to you, and in hindsight knew I was wrong.
All the faults in the house astound me and would never happen in our house, but to be a 'gonna man' is just a phrase to pretend to do it, but never happens.
There are a few issues here that you could do and that's up to you if you decide to, get a divorce, sell the house, there will be some person who would want to buy it so that they can do all the repairs, it would be a paradise for someone, and then rent a small house or a unit, where you can get rent assistance and centrelink can provide the bond money for you.
I am a bit worried for your safety and I wonder whether you feel the same, but I suggest that you think about what you are going to do and would love to hear back from you, so that we can continue this conversation. Geoff. x

[redgirl-blackdog]

Thanks for listening to my rant Geoff. I know lots of people have it worse than me but sometimes I feel like the world is on my shoulders & I have no one, well I do but my sister is over 2000 km away & my mum is elderly & sick & I don't want to dump my problems on them.I don't have any friends left & I don't really blame them for not hanging around after the crap I've been in. I was married after car crash to please everyone who said it was my fault ( wasn't at all)& had daughter, now nearly 19, & after divorce said I wasn't doing that (marriage/kids) again cause it all hurt too much. Well I did it again because I believed 2nd husband when he told me everything from maritial expectations, raising kids & life in general. That was all a big fat lie. Funny thing is I also believed my daughter(now living with her dad, my 1st ex husband) when she promised if we got a dog, she would help look after it, not pick up poop but everything else, boys wanted a dog too & I missed having a pet (alcoholic husband didn't want responsibility but ok'd it) So we got a dog....he's a labrador, a black one. A bit ironic considering drs have put me on all sorts of meds for depression, but so far he is the best medicine. I can't tolerate all the pills when I need to be "with it" to look after my boys, so I'm trying to deal with pain without medication. Yes I cry a lot, because of the pain and my stupidity for believing people. I used to be fun and funny and outgoing and sociable and had lots of friends, now I sit home and cry with my dog till it's time to wipe away the tears & pick the boys up from school & pretend everything is ok then when they are in bed & cry again & tell the dog I'm glad I've got them or it just wouldn't be worthwhile. Written on the back of my bedroom door is;

B - breathe

S - smile

A - again

also my kids names Bek,Scott &Andy, that's the only reason I'm still here. Sorry for another rant that nobody probably cares about anyhow, everyone has their own problems that are probably worse than mine so I'm going to talk to jack the dog now, but yeah, thanks

[Starwolf]

Hi Redgirl and a warm welcome to you.

Well done for making the brave decision to join these forums. Not only does venting help unload the overload but writing down our thoughts also helps clarify them to ourselves.

When couples separate, it is to put an end to all the negative stuff caused by an unhappy relationship. Unfortunately, the bickering often continues. You have to be firm here, keep doing the right thing and refuse to be drawn into further disputes. I know it is not easy but timely retreat is often the wisest, most courageous move. The relationship has run its course, further hostilities will only result in both of you tearing each other apart.

You deserve peace of mind and children need peace and stability to grow up happily. Kids are perceptive, hiding the truth from them is difficult, in spite of our pretense that all is well. You are a good Mum, only wanting the best for them. You are lucky to have each other.

You say you recently had a first appointment with a therapist. That's another brave, important step taken. Please keep in mind that nothing will be resolved at this early stage. One visit would be barely enough for the psychologist to become acquainted with your history...therapy is a long-term commitment. Patience and persistence are required.

I agree with Geoff that putting the house on the market and renting would do away with the stress of living uncomfortably. A pleasant environment would make you all feel better.

Dogs are a blessing, always there to shower you with unconditional love. They understand our moods and feelings. If interested, perhaps you could visit the Pet thread in Community Board. Many of us here have companion animals who -although untrained for it- take on a supporting role. Great reading and also another place to contribute your thoughts.

Starting a diary and/or continuing to post on the forums will help unload negativity on paper or screen instead of bottling it up.

Please take good care of yourself, do whatever you enjoy enough to keep focusing your interest and nurture your own needs. Perhaps have some "me time" while the children are at school....

Looking forward to reading more from you.

[redgirl-blackdog]

Thank you Starwolf. My name is Carey & the black dog is Jack the lab & yes I talk to him all the time. At least I know he won't argue back or turn things around to be my fault. What reality upsets me the most is that we used to talk for hours & ex husband told me so much in the beginning that I believed, & I thought we were on the same page with everything, now I know he only said what he wanted me to believe. Stupid me. Again. 10 yrs ago I made excuses for him & his drinking because I was naive enough to believe he would change for the kids & me, I've giving up waiting for the change, but in all those yrs I still hoped & kept up the charade. And I kept getting more & more disappointed. It changed me from a fun, funny, happy person to someone I don't know or even like anymore. The parts he lied about most that hurt most relate to kids, ours. To me, teaching them manners, respect,(themselves & others), integrity are as important as hygiene & work ethics & schooling among many others. I've found out in the past few months that he's been spending w/e's with the boys that he doesn't think table manners are important at all, that letting his family badmouth me in front of boys is ok, that going for entire w/e without bathing or teeth cleaning is normal, and that if you are reprimanded about your behaviour, it is ok to lie & turn it around to make it the other person's fault & then to try & say if some one is depressed or anxious that they are a loony. I've also realised all his siblings are alcoholics & rather than accept the truth about their brother, will accept his version.And I'm made out to be the fun police, party-pooper bad guy. Sorry I don't know what "me time" is, he always made it about him& because he drank so much I couldn't/didn't trust him with kids so I never went out, except for grocery shopping and to be his driver, going to & from parties. I don't know who "me" is anymore

[Starwolf]

Thanks Carey, your feedback is much appreciated.

Being lied to and taken for a ride is a painful experience. Unfortunately, many of us can relate to it. It is a shame that such heart breaking experiences erode our trust.

Nothing wrong with making the mistake of giving people the benefit of the doubt. It is a natural tendency to believe whatever we would like to be true, particularly when relationships are concerned. We all wish to be loved and appreciated. We so want it to work out....

The human brain is wired to learn from past mistakes. Their positive side is that they make us more cautious in the future. We will be better equipped to read the writing on the wall if the same situation presents itself again.

I personally experienced what it means to have an ex attempting to turn my daughter against me. I understand what you're up against and the difficulties involved. All you can do is stick to what you know is right and keep enforcing it. Explain to your children the reasons why it is right. Setting a good example by refusing to criticize their father in front of them will eventually make them realize who their most reasonable parent is. It may take time...Children naturally enjoy the freedom of having no discipline. Unfortunately, it only promotes lack of self-discipline later in life. My daughter stopped talking to me for some time. It was all so much more fun with Dad. But the fact she had been shown by me that personal freedom should never encroach on someone else's had left an imprint. She grew up knowing the value of respect.

Sooner or later, your ex's attitude will turn against him. His issues re alcohol will over-ride his pretense. Because of your wise input, the children will see through this. If his attitude is endangering their welfare, you may have to take legal action to have it stopped.

Meanwhile, re-connecting with yourself will help you see this through. I cannot stress enough how important this is. Losing touch with yourself creates imbalance.This would end up creating more future troubIe, the last thing you need. Stress has left you emotionally bruised and battered. Recovery will not come easy at first but all efforts in that direction will be well worthwhile in the long run...for all involved.

Please take good care of your Self. It has been left on the back burner too long. Although eclipsed, it is still around and deserves your attention.

[redgirl-blackdog]

hi all, hope everyone's doing ok. I just need to vent cause I've realised 5 mths later & I'm still in the same spot. I try to change things & something/one always mucks it up. I don't know how to explain what I mean except for giving an example; the kids X-box "died" & they told their father that I had to save up to try & get it fixed, so he told them he would pay for it "but only if mum says ok" then tells them to tell me, so I reluctantly agreed,(they have plenty of other "toys"). They all take machine to be fixed but apparently it can't be, so he buys them the newest version without asking me, all the old games & controllers that I bought don't work with the new one, so he buys new ones, over $300 worth. Their birthday was in Sept, he got Samsung tablet for them 2 weeks before, then fishing gear on the day, then annual pass to Australia Zoo 2 weeks later, ( I was saving up for X-mas pressie & he knew) then games for Wii machine another 2 weeks later & now all this. He is staying at his brothers & his only expense is beer & smokes so he can afford it, yet he still whinges if I don't send the boys swim gear over on his w/e. On top of that he is still badmouthing me & saying that I don't get up to look after the boys properly. The Dr from the Persistent Pain Management Clinic has got me to try a new medication which makes me extremely groggy & even more tired so I did stay in bed one Saturday till 12, the only time ex has ever rung in the day. Anyhow doesn't matter,I just needed to vent, and stupid Centrelink has stuffed up with saying I didn't lodge old tax returns& now I owe thousands of dollars, just more to stress about, I wish I could just make it all go away.... sorry for the rant, its all over the place & that's how I feel...

[Starwolf]

Hey Carey, good to read from you again, though I'd rather it be in different circumstances.

I'm sorry your children's father is still pushing your buttons and causing you grief. It is unfortunately a common complaint about non custodial parents. Quite a few have a tendency to "compensate" by being the fun parent, posing as saviour, buying appreciation. I'm with you...it can be infuriating.

As mentioned in previous posts, a change is not going to come from him. The only thing you can do is shift your perspective. Easier said than done, I know (been there done that) but there is no viable alternative. You already have enough on your plate without taking on board someone else's issues. They're totally out of your hands. Whenever we attempt to change the unchangeable, we are banging our head against a brick wall. Not only is it not going to budge but we are going to injure ourselves. If your ex had it in himself to acknowledge his problems and work on them, you would still be together. He is obviously not ready...perhaps he never will.

Have you considered learning mindfulness strategies ? A great tool to help maintain calm and stability. Techniques can be googled. "Smiling Mind" is a good app to download.

You are in a difficult position. All you can do is maintain it and shed some of the overload weighing you down. For a start, guilt can be discarded. We don't come into this world with user's manual in hand. What else can we do but work it out as we go ? Of course, we're going to take wrong turns and make inadequate decisions. You are not to be blamed for any of this. Life is a learning process, mistakes a necessary part of it.

A Centrelink stuff-up is not what you needed. Would a report from your therapist help provide some measure of understanding ? I know from experience that resolving issues with them does take time and a lot of patience. But whenever the fault lies with them, it will eventually be rectified.

The easiest way to deal with a big problem is to break it into small pieces and tackle them one at a time. Which area of your life needs be the priority right now ? It sounds like your medication may need adjusting too... Have you discussed this with your doctor ?

You're a good Mum, doing your best in adverse circumstances. Be gentle to yourself. Some of that getting nowhere stress requires radical surgery.

Here for you.

[geoff]

hello, it's lovely to hear back from you, I wish it was in better circumstances, and the most unfortunate outcome is when your spouse/partner bad mouth's you and then go against your own beliefs by spending all of this money that could have been spent on much better expenses to better your kids or help you pay bills that need to be paid.
He is thumbing his nose back at you and trying to win the love of your kids by material matters, in actual fact just by buying rubbish something to excite your kids and of course this will always work for any child.
By doing this will always get the kids to agree to anything that he says trying to drive your children away from you, that's a very sad situation he has put you in and in the long run not good for the children.
This new medication that makes you groggy needs to be reviewed, because this is another reason why he can convince your kids to be with him by saying 'who would you prefer to be with mum who is groggy or me where I can buy you X-box videos etc'.
I really hope that you can get back to us, this is something that you need help with. L Geoff. x

[redgirl-blackdog]

doesn't matter what I think or say or do, or don't say or don't do, nothing changes. if I had been strong enough to "be selfish" and do what I wanted 20 yrs ago, I wouldn't be in this shitheap mess now. I can"t change anything & as much as I want to get away from it all, I can't because that would be selfish too. not in a good place & the couple of people I thought could maybe help or at least listen are too busy with their own lives. don't know what to do, feel like crap & hurt like hell...sorry