Unsure what to do at this point… :/

[jd03]

So it’s my birthday today. I’m only young hut I feel like a complete mess and I’m so scared my mental health is going to keep getting worse (like it has been) until I can’t bear it any more. Anyway, I had such a great day and was so happy to finally have a carefree day where I could just relax and be myself. But we went to walk our dogs and a small fight broke out, where dad simply raised his voice slightly. This was a nothing fight but for some reason it made me a little upset because I feel like I can’t even go one day without upsetting someone/making someone angry at me (not even my birthday). I never used to be this sensitive, however I think a combination of anxiety, depression and a history of getting yelled at and getting lectured makes even small things upset me now. I should also mention that my depression/depressive states often get mistaken for me being grouchy too (which leads to everyone getting mad at me). Anyway when we got home I was giving it my all to hold back my tears (because I didn’t want my family to think I was upset on my birthday). I was basically told that I have no reason to be upset over such a small thing and that I have to have more tolerance over things like this. 

‘Having more tolerance’ is kind of like a trigger phase for me now. Sometimes I am intolerant to some annoying noises etc but I get told this phrase day after day and it really hurts sometimes because it makes it feel like my emotions are invalid and I’m just a sook/cry baby. I just don’t know what to do because I love dad with all my heart and I’m the luckiest person material wise, but it really scars me when he gets mad so often and I have to just hold my emotions in. I’m so lucky to have what I have and I love my parents so much but at the same time I worry that I’m being emotionally damaged by staying at home (even though I don’t have the means to move away right now), but I also don’t want dad to be isolated and lonely when he tries to look after our family so well. 

I just feel like I’m stuck in this impossible situation and quite isolated and I just want to know that there is someone else out there who can relate or provide some advice. I feel like all my opinions are invalid but at the same time I love my family so much and I don’t know what to do. I’m just really down and I don’t like crying in bed alone on my birthday 😞 

I just don’t know if what I feel is valid sometimes or not, and I’d really like to find out how to tell. Thanks all. 

[Croix]

Dear Jd03~

Welcome back. I'm sorry your birthday was not as happy as you hoped. Maybe the first bit was good at least.

You sound a very loving and caring person, and I guess the downside of that is it makes you vulnerable to those you love. if they don't show understanding or are unsympathetic or are not thoughtful it hurts a lot. If you get irritable as a result, or cry, that is only natural.

Being told " I have no reason to be upset over such a small thing and that I have to have more tolerance over things like this" is just plain silly. It is not as if you have a choice in hte matter. If it hurts and upsets you then it hurts and upsets you. That is real and it would be so much better if people sympathized and made an effort not to upset you.

Now semester has finished I guess you are spending more time with you family and rather than just resign yourself to having an upsetting time do you think some preparations might be sensible?

You have not mentioned it here or elswhere so I don't know if you have sought medical assistance. My apologies if you have. However if not may I strongly suggest you see your GP in a long consultation and say how you have been feeling and reacting. You can go into a fair bit of detail and see where things go from there.

What else can you do? Well you have mentioned that venting your frustrations has helped, so why not give the Kids Help Line a try. It has phone or web-chat and gives good advice. It is for anyone under 25

You did ask about meditation or mindfulness. I've found that with practice the free smartphone app Smiling Mind is excellent for breaking a mood and putting me in a calmer state. It has exercises for all sorts of people, even ones like me wiht the attention span of a goldfish.

It does take some practice but is then pretty good.

If you would like to talk some more that would be great

Croix

[therising]

Hi jd03

I'd like to wish you a happy new year, your own personal new year. I hope it is a year for you where greater self understanding and growth bring you closer to the kinds of emotions that lead you to feel greater joy and a sense of pride when it comes to being you.

I think 'You have to be more tolerant' sounds similar to 'You need to stop being so sensitive'. 'You need to stop being so sensitive' is a phrase that used to really upset me and it wouldn't help things when I was feeling depressed. With the manner in which it was said, it led me to feel 'weak' and 'broken' in some way. All that changed when my view of sensitivity changed. When I learned sensitivity relates to the ability to sense, it changed everything.

If you can say 'I am someone who is able to sense easily and deeply', the question becomes 'How can I manage what I'm sensing?'. How can you manage certain sounds that you sense/feel? How can you manage not just people's words but also their tone and facial expressions that you sense/feel? How can you manage the stressful nature of a situation that you sense/feel? There is just so much to sense or feel in life. For a 'sensitive', developing skills in how to feel accurately is definitely a key (learning to trust in what you feel). Another key comes down to observation. Another key may involve investigation, with a healthy sense of wonder. The challenge can involve collecting a whole stack of keys that unlock your potential. To offer an example that involves accurately sensing/feeling, observation, investigation and wonder...

If someone is expressing or venting their anger at me, I can

1. get a better sense of what that anger's about. Is it frustration or them being fed up with feeling so exhausted by nothing going their way or could I be sensing their self entitled arrogant nature (where they believe everyone should be making their life easier) or is it something else I'm sensing?
2. Through observation, I may take an emotional step back and observe this is their anger I'm feeling. I can become emotionally involved in their anger or not. If I don't become emotionally involved, I am free to...
3. wonder and investigate. I can wonder why they give themself the freedom to speak to me poorly and may even ask them out loud why they give themself the right to speak however they wish, without feeling for others. I may give myself the freedom to question them with something like 'Anger aside, how do you really feel? Are you frustrated with me or maybe deeply disappointed about something?'

May sound strange but being able to turn the volume up and down on what we're feeling is another key. There are a lot of different ways to do that. One of the ways sensitive people feel is through their nervous system. So, if you can develop ways to calm or excite your nervous system, you become a master of it. Trusting in your intuition is another way. If something tells you 'This is not your fault', it's worth wondering exactly where the fault lies, if it's not in you.

Is it possible that you are a very intuitive deeply feeling person who as at the beginning of a path that requires great self understanding and self mastery? Finding others who are able to feel as easily and as deeply as you (people who can relate) is one of the most significant keys there is. 🙂❤️