Unsure of what to do

[Ahoykitty]

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years. We're at the point where we are planning our wedding and we live together. Lately I've felt like something is different, like the spark is gone. I don't feel like I love him the same way I used to. We've been together since I was 15 and I'm feeling like I'm missing out on thing's because I'm in a seriois relationship. I don't have many friends anymore and i think this could be the reason.

In the past we've had problems with him messaging other girls, lying to me and he has a problem with gambling. We've dealt with the issues but I never fully got over them no matter how hard I tried. I still think about it every day no matter what I do and it really affects me. I have little trust for him to the point where I try to hack into his facebook cause I feel like he's doing things behind my back still.

I don't feel like I can talk to him about how I'm feeling. I'm worried if I feel this way now, how am I going to feel in a few years time when we're married? Will I regret staying in this relationship?

Ive gone through stages like this a few times but normally get over it but something feels different. I can't tell if I'm being silly about this or not. Theres a lot invested in our relationship and I'm scared of ending it and then realising I really do love him.

I need help. I want to talk to him about it but I freeze up and my anxiety gets in the way.

[geoff]

Hello Ahoykitty, can I welcome you to the site and for posting your comment.

I am so sorry that you feel this way, however you're been together since you were 15 years old and decided to get married.

What's happened is that you have missed out on meeting new people, having other different ideas and even experience other ventures from what other people like or dislike and what it feels like to kiss another man.

Your partner has wondered about how it would feel, so he's been messaging other girls and may have taken up gambling as a distraction.

The trust from you is a bit shaky and feel you aren't able to talk to him, this isn't being silly at all, it's a valid point.

I'm not sure what sort of investment is involved, but in your last sentence you say 'then realise I do love him', that's what I am wondering myself.

You've been together for a long time so a close friendship has developed, that's terrific to have a friend for a long time, but I'm not too sure.

There's a lot more I would like to say so I hope you can reply back.

Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Ahoykitty~

I'd like to join Geoff in welcoming you here. Actually I think I have much the same reservations he does.

First if the pair of you have been together since 15 then you will no doubt have concentrated on each other. That's fine but it does mean that you have probably not seen other people as potential mates or even perhaps had the time for the sort of friendships that round out a life and give companionship and perspective.

It may well be your partner's behavior has reflected this.In addition a problem with gambling does need serious, often outside, attention - quite apart from what it might do to a relationship.

Now for me a partnership is where two people love and care for each other. It comes naturally to want to look after the other person and make their life as secure, happy and comfortable as possible. It also means as problems crop up - as they undoubtedly will - there needs to be discussion and support between both.

From what you say it really does not sound like this is happening. If your partner has not behaved in the past and it has left you unhappy and uncertain it is up to him to fix things. That may not be too easy. Breaking trust can take just a moment, repairing it can take an awful long time. However if he values you sufficiently to make a good husband then he should be making the attempt - and not giving up. You are entitled to be secure, it is not a failing of yours if he has made you otherwise.

It also looks like you cannot talk together about serious matters.This realy is vital when facing a life together.

Add to that the feeling you have that your love may not be as strong or the same as before and I would ask is it possible to step back and look at what you are getting into? Would it be worth - as a suggestion - trying to put the relationship on the back pedal and increase your social life for a while?

In any event I would think if you can summon up the courage (not easy I know) you might find discussions with your partner revealing.

Please feel whatever happens you will be welcome here

Croix