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Unsure of my partners sexuality

Community Member
Hi guys,

I'm in some desperate need of advice please.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years and about 2 years ago, I saw a nude photo on my partners phone with a Grindr watermark on it. At the time I wasn't sure what Grindr was so when I looked into it further, I found that he had sent nude photos of himself to guys. As you can imagine I was absolutely heartbroken and I thought that was the end of us. I will never forget the look on his face when he realised what I'd seen.

He repeatedly told me that he's not gay and the reason that he sent the photos was to compare his body to other guys to feel better about himself (he's always been self conscious about his body). When I asked why he wouldn't just send photos to girls he said that he's never had luck with girls so the rejection makes him feel worse.

Fast forward 2 years and we've bought a house together and I find myself still struggling. Not just with the going behind my back but with the gay thing. It makes it worse because funny enough my sister has just found out that her partner of 3 years is bisexual and attracted to transvestites. When my sister vents to me about her breakup, she always brings my relationship into it and slyly tries to convince me to end my relationship. As of lately, I cannot stop thinking about the potential that he could he gay and I now find myself not wanting to think about the future (marriage, kids, etc).

It's so hard because I have major mood swings and some days I feel fine with us and sometimes I can't even look at him. I also become very pursaded by people. If someone tells me I should think a certain way, I do.

I'm so confused because I love him so much and I don't want to risk losing him because of my own insecurities. He is so good to me and is always trying to make it up to me because he knows how much the situation hurt me.

I would really love to know how I can make piece with what has happened and move on with our relationship. Has anyone ever been in this situation?
4 Replies 4

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Britt86

I am so pleased you have come to chat and get some support through this really challenging time. I have not been through what you are going through and can only imagine the wave and variety of feelings and emotions and questioning you are going through.

I understand that speaking with others is helpful, it most certainly is, however when we don’t speak to the people involved we do get opinions and maybe judgement cast at us. I know your sister is trying to support you however the only person who can give you some truths and facts is your husband. Maybe some counselling together to have some really structured and supported conversations. So he can express how he is feeling and you can get some support with the answers.

Your relationship is between you and him and what others think is irrelevant. That is just my feelings on it. I think that maybe with some of these questions you have being discussed in a constructive and safe way you can make some informed decisions about your future looks like.

I know it is hard to get persuaded by others when you are feeling vulnerable and when people bombard you with suggestions and opinions... however trust in your heart and your feelings too, the count.

Hope to chat to you some more Britt88



Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Britt86

Welcome to the forums and I'm really sorry you're going through such a confusing time!
I'm really glad you came and shared your story with us and I hope you can feel supported and cared for during your journey.

Sarah has said some really beautiful things to you and I agree 100% with what she said.

Before you embark on any stuff as a couple, I would really like you to get some support to help you feel stronger. 1800RESPECT has Counsellors and Psychologists that you can talk through your feelings with.
My family and friends have found them of immeasurable support. They are open 24/7.

There are also lots of Counselling services you can access for some professional feedback and guidance.

Just FYI I attended a Govt approved Course years ago and it taught us that if something in our gut tells us something's not right, then something's not right.
Plus IF you're feeling 'confused' by your partner, especially over a long period of time over a subject, then something's wrong.

Tbh I think something's amiss. What he's said does not make sense to me. I'm merely me but I could NOT imagine me needing to send nude photos to another woman (or another man for that matter) to "build me up".
IF I was sending nude photos to a woman then I would be gay or bi end of.
I had a close family member who just found out similar about her partner and it turned out to be far worse as in the lies and cover ups, than any of us could have imagined. They separated mainly because of the lies and manipulation.

Absolutely couples counselling like yesterday. If you can find one that will also see you 1:1 between the couples sessions then I think that would help you alot.

I admire you for seeking the truth and I hope you find some peace of mind with the answers.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Britt86, welcome and thanks for being open to people you don't know, with Sarah and EM who have replied back to you.

It's possible to still love someone in your position, whether or not you are living together or apart, however, what's happened may have been something you weren't expecting and would be wanting some answers.

I don't believe that anyone would be showing naked photos of themselves like he has been doing unless he felt an attachment towards them.

This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, I'm sure he does and still won't stop you both from living together in the house, the arrangements may need to slightly alter or perhaps in time, the relationship will continue on as you had planned.

Let your love develop and it will continue to grow.

Best wishes.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Britt86,

I’m so sorry to hear that you are in this situation, and I think your uneasy feelings are perfectly reasonable. His excuse doesn’t make sense and that’s why you are still feeling unsettled. You were hoping for a logical reason that would help dispel your fears. But realistically you aren’t going to get that because there is no good reason why your partner would send nude photos of himself to other men. I can guarantee that any heterosexual male would not send naked photos of themselves to men. They may send them to women, and that would of course cause dramas also, but they just wouldn’t do it. It may be that he hasn’t completely admitted to himself that he is attracted to men, or is ashamed of his feelings and is trying to fight them. If it was me, I would end things now in an effort to prevent major heartbreak down the line, but I completely understand that you may not be there yet.