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Unsure how to open dialogue with ex....

Community Member

After getting dumped just after my 50th birthday, and then spending weeks separating 11 years of tangled lives, I thought everything was finalised and went through a period of intense grief....

I had only just begun to see the other side, but have discovered that he may be in possession of a couple of intensely personal items of mine that were packed into boxes that he took. One is not critical - a snooker cue that I won years ago in competition.

The other is so personal and important that I absolutely HAVE TO have it back..... it's the rosewood urn that contained my only brother's ashes, which I filled with personal effects of his after scattering his ashes at sea. I don't have any other brothers or sisters, so the loss of this bites beyond imagining. I only have a very few pictures, and was not able to save a lot of his possessions, so this urn is extremely important.

I don't know how to get my ex to talk to me to try and recover this - he's not replying to my message regarding this - and I really, really want and need it back 😞

I have been so upset since discovering that I don't have it that I feel myself slipping into complete despair. I don't know what I can do to get it back, and I don't think I can cope without it 😞 Almost like losing my brother all over again 😞


2 Replies 2

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Fial,

I think you have to play this fairly carefully. If it was me, and my ex started contacting me, even if it was about some items they wanted or I had of theirs, I would be immediately wary of their intentions and assume that they are just trying to re-establish contact or somehow get back into my life under the guise of retrieving those items. I’m not saying that is what you are doing, merely that is what I would think in that situation.

You know your ex better than I, but I would imagine that he’s not the type of guy to throw out an urn? So I don’t think the request is necessarily urgent. Rather than contact your ex on his phone, it may be better to send an email and explain the oversight. I think it would also be helpful if you could arrange for there to be a way where he can leave the items without a face to face exchange. Perhaps you could arrange for someone to pick them up on your behalf or him to send them back to you in the post? If I was him that would convince me that this wasn’t a ploy to see him again.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Fial~

I read your other posts at:

Forums / Relationship and family issues / Feeling like I have lost everything...

and really sympathize, when a breakup happens, particularly a long term one, it is a huge upheaval and it's not really surprising that some things get mixed up.

I'm not sure if this is practical but it at all possible do you think someone else might take this up for you? A friend of yours, or another member of his family are two things that come to mid. As Juliet_84 has said there might be a possibility he may think this is a means of trying to get back together.

Having a third party will alleviate this concern, and may also lend a little more authority to the request. If you can go this way I'd give them a written list of everything to ask for.

I hope you manage to retrieve these things. Objects like this mean such a lot