Unrequited love (Because I can't say anything yet)

[Phrag]

In a nutshell - and excuse all of the cliche's - I quite certain that I fell in love for someone who may be spoken for, and lives 2000km away.

But before I get into the gritty details, a disclaimer. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone I know at the moment. I'm not here specifically to find out what I should do, however, I will welcome input. That's primarily what this is about, and I need some positive communication on the subject. I just need to get some of these feelings, emotions, and thoughts off my chest.

So let's dive into it:

About a week ago, I met this wonderful young woman, about my age, through a close mate of mine, online. We played the same game/s. I gathered that she's nice and fun to talk to, she studies Forensic Science (Obviously intelligent) - So that ticks pretty much all the boxes. However, I can't say for certain whether or not she is in a relationship or not, although if I was a gambling man, I'd say she was.

Now, after a week or so it doesn't feel like the right thing to do to ask that. Maybe it's a totally innocent thing to enquire about, and I'm just extremely anxious, which is entirely plausible.

Regardless, for the past few days I've found myself almost constantly excited/anxious/lost/confused/happy/sad and a combination of all of those most of each day. I'm often either running through fake conversations in my head, or thinking about her, and this whole debacle.

• Side note: You may know when you enjoy someone's company or expected company so much you may feel some really intense buzzing. Butterflies, perhaps? It's at a point when it lasts for a good portion of each day at work.

So the last few days I've been completely distracted by her. I've had a few relationships in the past. Finding the right someone during you late teens early twenties (you know hot it is). The last time I experience this kind excitement and anxiety was 2009. The buzzing and butterflies were so bad I would get incredibly nauseous. It affected me so much physically, it was hard to do anything but try and recover.

So, although nothing may come (which is highly likely, and although I'm prepared for such an event, you can never be truly prepared - come on. lets face it.) I both really enjoy the feeling of what I can only presume are serotonin and the like supercharging me, It's affecting my work, and it also makes me fairly emotional, lest I distract myself completely.

It's relief to be able to talk about this; and to strangers even. Go figure.

[Phrag]

I'm 26, and I'm still struggling with this like a highschool kid. It's a huge source of anxiety for me. I feel like I shouldn't have to talk about this, because I feel childish for doing so, but I think we can put that down to the stigma of Men typically being... men.

[h12]

Hey Phrag, I understand what you mean about the whole buzzing/butterflies, I've had it too, I think basically all guys have! I'm a 22 year old guy and really respect and admire the fact you're prepared to come here and be so open about your feelings. I am firmly of the view that men these days, of all ages, are pressured to not discuss their emotions (unless it's something like anger!) and that we really should feel free to - it's been said a million times but bottling up emotions can be dangerous - in my experience dangerous to the point of seriously affecting my mental health. So you're in good company here not to have to worry about discussing your feelings in as much detail as you want.

Could I ask are you someone that has mental health issues, maybe some sort of anxiety? It would be useful to know so that we can help tailor our suggestions about what you might be able to do. Anyway, my gut feeling is that if it's affecting you to the extent you say, and especially if it's not going away/getting worse, you should try to resolve it through finding out whether she is in a relationship. You might be able to find a way of not asking directly, but discussing the topic of relationships generally and hopefully that could prompt her to say. Like discussing something to do with old school friends who are getting married, the relationships of your friends etc. If you find out she is in a relationship, then obviously you'll have to work at moving on (but hearing this news could really help in a way), if she isn't, and you feel very strongly about her, I wouldn't rule out getting to know her better, but others on the forums with more experience may be able to help you more there.

All the best. Hugh

[Phrag]

Cheers Hugh.

You wouldn't be far from wrong either. I was diagnosed with depression maybe 6-7 years ago. I was in a really, really bad place, where I ended up in hospital briefly due to an attempt on my own life. I was about 19-20. I saw a psychologist for a period of 6 months or so and seemed to be in the clear after a year on medication. I haven't had the gall to speak up in recent years as I feel I've sort of gone backwards. However, I'm sure I'll never get back into that place in 2009-10. I say that, but I suppose I can't be 100% certain can I.

These days I'm fairly certain anxiety is still an issue for me. I don't usually get comfortable talking to people very quickly, either in person or online, but discourse with her seemed to go well very early.

I guess one positive out of this is that I KNOW the feeling I'm looking for when someone is seems to be the right person. I'm glad for that if anything.

[Quiettall]

Hi Phrag

I am a lot older than you and have had lots of good and bad experiences on this issue. Can I suggest you send her a simple email or text saying you enjoyed meeting her and enjoyed your conversations. You could mention it would be nice to catch up again for a cuppa one day, when she's free if she is interested. Add that if she is in a relationship or feels uncomfortable saying yes, that it is ok..

She would appreciate the honesty, directness and positive feedback I am sure. The worst that could happen is she will say no, either because she is already committed or not sure. Then you can then decide to move on. Otherwise, you never know until you give it a go.

[Phrag]

Hi Quiet. Yeah, you may be right. I had discussed the idea with myself about letting her know at least that I enjoy talking to her, but maybe give it some more time, learn a bit more about her perhaps.

Unfortunately, she is studying quite some distance away at the moment, so it might be a bit hard to catch up in the near future.

It's definitely helped talking about it for sure, so I must thank you guys. I don't really feel comfortable discussing this face to face with anyone.

[geoff]

hi Phrag, you are no different to a majority of men too scared to pop the question, one moment you feel as though you could ask her, but then pull out, it's like a cat and mouse game, and as soon as you stop talking with her, you curse yourself for not asking, and likewise before you talk with her you are determined that you will pop the question, sweating, dry mouth and nervous, but perhaps you could ask her what she did last weekend, go out with her g/friends, enjoy night clubs, then she may slip on whether or not she does have a b/friend.
The biggest concern is that she is 2000km away, have a mortgage, a personal loan and a job where she maybe stuck over there, so it depends on whether or not you want to move over there to be with her, if she is single.
Don't forget she maybe wondering exactly the same about you, and too scared to ask you. Geoff.

[Phrag]

You may be right, Geoff, about that last part. I'll definitely keep chatting with her though. I'm not great with small talk though, so I have to find out what more we have in common though.

[Guest6093]

Phrag,

Do yourself a favour and just ask her if she is available! Simply asking the question will put all your worries at ease. If she is then ask her out. If she's not then you know for sure nothing can ever come of it.

R

[Quiettall]

The previous post offered you the first question to ask. If you cant do small talk, ask her some questions about herself...like her interests, what things she likes to do outside of work, what or who really inspires her...etc...these are often good questions to sttart a get-to-know-you type conversation going