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Unlucky In Love and no more trust left
Story 1: 5 years ago my Husband left me and our children just because he was having a text message affair with an acquaintance of ours who I did not like one bit as she was very conniving and discreet about what she was doing as she too had a partner. She not only prayed on my husband she also prayed on other female friend’s partners and husbands. She would text inappropriate content to my husband and make him feel those butterflies you get when you first flirt and form a connection with the opposite sex. My husband waited months for her after he left me, just waiting for her to leave her partner and when she did they moved in together. Low and behold though she ended up cheating on him with a number of other guys and they split.
Story 2: During the demise of my marriage, I met a guy online who had been married twice before and has 2 children to those women, this should have been a red flag to begin with but at the time I was feeling lonely and very naive as I only ever known my husband since I was 20 years old. This guy at first gave me the attention I never received from my husband and was very sexually active, he did make me feel sexy and wanted but only for his own benefits.
We moved in together and upon discovering my bi sexuality he then thought it was his duty to invite other females into our bedroom and that it was his duty to then Dominate me and tell me what was happening. You might be saying to yourselves “Why did you put yourself in this position?” Good question! After months of seeing a psychologist regarding this woeful relationship it was determined that he was actually a Psychopath with deeper issues than me. He doesn’t know he is one but all the signs pointed to that diagnosis! He knew exactly how to manipulate me and even other people and when I pulled him up on things he would make me feel bad about it. As time progressed in the relationship, things were not feeling right and I found out that he had cheated on me with one of his male relative’s wife and got her pregnant.
This devastated me but didn’t surprise me as I felt that all this time this was the sort of person he was all along. I was mentally scarred by everything that occurred which led me to seeing a psychologist and a councillor after that.
Story 3: As I said in Story 1, Hubby and the other woman split up and because we were not on good terms we didn’t talk favourably about or too each other throughout the duration of our separation. I was hurt by his actions in our split and very angry so he was not at all my favourite person, anyway Hubby contacted me one day and apologised for everything that had happened and that he went about it all wrong and it should never have happened blah bla bla. I was still with the Psychotic boyfriend at this point and I accepted my husband’s apologies and left it at that. A couple of weeks later I then split with the Psycho, I told my husband what happened and he started to pursue me. I didn’t want to get back with him just then because of everything that happened to me however after a few months of talking and getting to know each other I let him back in to my life. Now because I suffered such horrendous mental breakdowns I couldn’t give him 100% of me and then I discovered the text messages AGAIN! He was conversing with 2 women this time, one of who I knew and is married and the other I don’t know. He said he never met up with them and I do believe him as he is always at home with the kids and I and works at my work too. He said they made him feel worth it and feel good and I said no more this is exactly what happened last time and you know what I endured back then and just recently!
My Husband is on notice at the moment and if he pulls this crap on me again it will end in divorce because my trust is non-existent right now however our kids seeing us back together makes them so happy.
I have had him, the psycho guy and even close ex friends of mine take me for all I am and treat me like an idiot, the humiliation is rife and I hate myself for who I have become because of these people. I have had moments where I wish I would just not wake up and be done with this world. My heart is full of hatred and distrust and I don’t trust anyone anymore. My life consists of working and going home to my children and it appears I have no life, no confidence and no drive to strive anymore. I’ve had my days in therapy sessions but I still feel the same.
There is so much more that has happened in the last 5 years that I can not divulge, as it would give away who I am so this is the very short version.
Welcome here to the Forum. I was dismayed to read of the people who have broken your trust and am not at all surprised that you feel used and humiliated -anyone would. As for trusting, once trust is broken it takes an awful lot of time and effort for the transgressor to rebuild it.
It is one of those sad facts of human nature that if a person is badly treated very often they blame themselves. They unfortunately feel if they had been stronger, or wiser, or took note of signs then things might have been different. As a result their regard for themselves becomes less.
One can wonder 'what is wrong with me for this to keep happening?'
This is of course unjustified, it is the other people that have done the harm and betrayed you.
You are a caring person, the way you talk about your kids shows this, and that care does make one often see the good side of others, or at least think there must be a good side in them. When you find it is not there it can be pretty devastating.
I guess you have learned a lot from these past few years, not all things that you might realize. I suspect you are now a stronger - and to some extent more independent - person. The notice you have given your husband is an example. You are now aware of his weaknesses and have laid it on the line.
I really hope he too has learned and will try to rebuild that trust. It is a wonderful thing to see your kids happy, and understandable you would take a risk for their sake, even if for no other reason.
I also think it is good you have talked with your husband about his texting and the reasons he has done it.
This next few lines - I'm not condoning or excusing what he has done, please don't think that.
What I would like to ask is if he has a need to feel worthy and in some related way good is there any way you can help him feel these things at home? I'm not talking of pandering to him, but maybe understanding what he might need, which could perhaps be as simple as companionship or being given responsibilities?
Frankly this is a guess, and I may well be off track, what is your view?
Hi Croix, thank you so much for your input and what you have said about everything is everything about me and most certainly right about my husband.
We have had long talks about why he did it and that YES he desires to feel worthiness and that the other women made him feel just that through text messages, one never even met him to know the sort of person he is but somehow made him feel worthy through inappropriate texts, go figure.
You are correct in saying that the last 5 years have made me stronger and much more independent and I know should my husband I end our relationship for good, I would be strong enough to start again.
Our kids are teenagers and are old enough to know exactly what I have been through and have always protected me as I have done so for them as children and still protect them as they become adults.
My husband is fully aware of the lies and deceit he put me through and knows it is exactly why I am the way I am now. He knows I don't trust him and I have told him that it is not a bandaid fix and if he is not willing to work hard to convince me to trust him now then he should leave and he says he is happier now with me than he ever was before, I'm a lot worse now than I was before! I just don't get it??
But yes you are right I am at fault when it comes to making him feel worthy but I guess he has to prove to me that he is worthy if that makes sense?
Thanks again appreciate your input.
You probably meant that reply to me.
Thank you for your reply, I do know I need to concentrate on me and my wellbeing but if this makes sense at all I probably am my own worse enemy and believe I don't deserve to treat myself the way I should. I think of it as a form of punishment for being so dumb.
I'm grateful for you reply, to me it sounds hopeful. I love the fact your children are supporting you too, this does not always happen and is gold when it does -a tribute to you as a mother and their character.
I do want to mention a couple of things. The first is you said:
" I don't deserve to treat myself the way I should. I think of it as a form of punishment for being so dumb. "
"I am at fault when it comes to making him feel worthy"
Oh dear, that is not true, on fact (sorry to be blunt) it is nonsense. You are in no way dumb, you have been betrayed by weaker and less honorable people. They have made you suffer. You deserve a happy, secure and fulfilling life, NOT punishment!
I know, my words of logic won't convince your emotions, perhaps time, perhaps therapy, perhaps a genuine sustained effort by your husband will make those feelings fade. You kid's support should help too.
Why on earth should you feel at fault for him feeling less worthy? I doubt you have made a long-term habit of constantly putting him down.
A partnership is a voyage of discovery, and you - though frank talk - have discovered an area where he might need some support. OK, if it is within you nature to supply it then good. Please do not think I'm advocating anything you might find unwelcome. A spoonful of sugar does help. (No I'm not J.A. in disguise:)
Feeling now that "I'm a lot worse now than I was before! I just don't get it" is not really surprising. I suspect that might be for the same reason your husband feels good. I'd imagine he feels relief that you are in charge, you have the pressure of the responsibility to make this work.You have taken a decision (to play up or not) away from him.
I know this might seem back to front however it is you that has to keep a tab on things and ultimately decides what is going to happen in your marriage, and that responsibility could wear anyone down.
Please do work on your well-being. What do you think might help (even little things)?
Thanks so much for putting things into perspective for me! I guess I needed to hear this and know that I need to work on me and my emotions about everything.
My kids are my world and they keep me grounded when I feel things are getting tough. My job keeps my mind busy and I love coming to work everyday because I work with a great bunch of people including my husband. We don't let our personal life interfere with work and it's just that......work. Funny thing is I'm in a position that places me as my husbands Manager, I also earn a bit more than him so you could say I wear the pants in our relationship lol! but I have never degraded him for it, I got him the job here.
I always thank him for things he does do and I have always thanked him, I never gave him reason to do what he did and so I guess I wondered why or what was wrong with me for him to even consider looking elsewhere?
He says he loves me and is proud of me of where I have come and I think that may even scare him to know that I can be independent and not need him. I think at the end of the day he actually needs me!
Why do relationships have to be so difficult?
Your story is so similar to mine so I know exactly how you feel. You just have to take each day at a time and don’t blame yourself for any of it. I too let people back into my life after they have hurt me.
The psyco that you talk of I too got sucked in by someone exactly the same. I needed his attention I needed to feel wanted and like I was important to someone. He repaid me by having hidden cameras in his house which he then shared on social media. He was charged but he’s still around.
Don’t blame yourself for falling for someone like you did. We have needs and at the time these people if you can call them that filled those needs. I didn’t realise how bad my psycho was until I got help for my mental well-being then it was like a big flashing light in my face. But it was too late the damage was done. I now have a new partner who is amazing but the damaged caused by the psycho is there everyday and it definitely affects my relationship.
Ive had help from a number of services but the fact that I see him around my town doesn’t help. I have had to change things I love in my life to keep away from him.
Stay strong beautiful girl and know that none of it is your fault. There are cruel people out there and they prey on easy trusting beautiful souls like us.