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Unfaithful husband - first porn, then chat room sex, the prostitute/s

Feral
Community Member

I noticed my husband becoming more distant, going to the spare room for increasingly long periods of time, and checking his phone more often. I checked his phone and found various porn sites, and a series of sex chats and videos where he also shared information about me, our house, and even sent a photo of his car!

He swore he would stop, and delete everything, which he appeared to. Then 3 weeks later I found a message asking for a woman's address. When confronted he said he did nothing and was just curious. Then 3 days later a reply from the same number starting with"Yes, I'm free until Wed night".

He claims this was the reply to the first message I saw but that did not make sense. I confronted him and told him that I believed he had not told me the whole truth. He went quiet, and I asked if it was because I would not want to know the true story. He agreed.

He has agreed to have counselling, and I told him to prepare for another conversation about the prostitute hookup. He has said we might at well end it now.

I have now been feeling a physical and emotional wreck for nearly 4 weeks, with each new revelation spiralling me down further. I think I still love him, but can't tolerate any of the above, or blatant lying. I'm feeling like I'm hanging on the edge of the cliff while I wait for him to spill his guts and decide how to move on from this.

I have attended one counselling session and luckily have booked another. Anyone been through similar who could give me some tips?

15 Replies 15

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

You are going through a really tough time.

As his actions have breached obvious boundaries he is expecting the relationship to dissolve. Hence his reply.

My view is that your relationship is terminal. It simply won't work.

Currently you are in limbo, not separated but not happy. Hence your extra grief. Once you flee the relationship then you'll begin to recover and over time you'll get a life back.

TonyWK

Thanks for the reply Tony, but I am not going anywhere. I did that once before, was financially screwed over, and have regretted being the one to leave ever since.

I have discovered that the prostitute issue goes back 4 years and at least once a week, often twice, while I was working full time. My husband is saying he will never do it again, and is disgusted with himself etc. Has told his kids that he has hurt me deeply and is very remorseful. I kind of understand that he won't say exactly what he has been doing, but I am feeling that I am suffering all of the hurt and thst my life is destroyed, while he still acts normal in public and with friends. I know I am within my rights to kick him out, but (stupidly?) am giving him the chance to turn his life around.

I'm not prepared to make a rash decision, but have told him that it will be final if there is a hint of previous behaviour.

Too forgiving?

sunnyl20
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

I'm really sorry to hear about what has been happening. I cannot imagine how distressing and painful this has been for you. The decision to stay or leave is yours, only you know how you feel, your previous experiences, all of the intricacies of your relationship etc... You are understandably very hurt. If you have not already (and are open to it), I would really encourage you to contact Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 as they may be able to give you more tailored advice and support for what you are experiencing and may be able to direct you towards some useful resources and further support services. There is also Lifeline on 13 11 14 and SANE Australia (1800 18 7263 but only 10am-10pm Mon-Fri). Talking with your GP about what has been going on may also be another option if you feel able to speak with them in terms of getting additional support. You should not have to go through this alone. I'm really sorry.

Take care, and please do not hesitate to talk more on here if/when you feel up to it.


Feral
Community Member
It now been over 3 months since I discovered my husband's prostitute habit, and despite seeing a counsellor, I have not progressed far at all. I will never forget what I saw or read, and have random images of him having sex with prostitutes. I still can't trust him, even though he claims he has gone "cold turkey". I have now booked in with a clinical psych (had to wait 7 weeks for an appointment!). I am having real trouble with going forward. He claims to have feelings for me, but can't say the "l" word. There are so many issues to work through - his spending thousands on prostitutes and not a cent on me for years, not taking me to social functions, I'm working full time, he is effectively retired (doesn't want to work any more), not prepared to make an effort to make it work, doesn't want to make any plans, long or short term etc. etc. Any hints on how to take the next step in my situation?

amberlite
Community Member
Wow, it is awful all that has happened, I hope your kids are doing ok. Is it the wasted money or the cheating that angers you most? You guys do need help to work out how to begin a fresh start. You may even be married to a sex addict? I don't know? But I do know that, You and the kids is all that matters, better to be poor with your self respect in tack than rich and miserable. Best of luck.

sunnyl20
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling things haven't shifted much. I am glad that you have finally been able to get an appointment with a clinical psych though - I hope that you are able to get the support and advice that you need. It is understandable that you are feeling unable to trust your partner and unsure on how to move forward. It sounds like you need to talk through with someone (like your psych) what you value most, what means the most to you, what you want to prioritise going forward, how much more time you are willing to give your partner to change... There are a lot of issues to work through, you're right. But you shouldn't have to go through this alone, and there is support available. It sounds like your partner is not putting you first in the way that you need him too and is not making the effort. Only you know what you want and need most, and how you are feeling, but it sounds like you need things to change. I'm sorry I can't really be of much help, but I think seeing the clinical psych is a good next step.

Take care

lost_girl_101
Community Member

i know exactly how you feel, but my partner hasnt told me the truth about anything what he did although i know most things he did and i found out over a year ago... My bf had been sleeping with escorts / going to brothels, meeting girls off the locanto app for over 4 years and hooking up with back packers and escorts while away on his annual holiday for which i had to stay home to work. I had all the std tests done by my doctor and i was thinking about seeing a councellor as im struggling every day because if i bring it up for him to tell me the truth he threatens me to move out and i have no where to go and all that is stress on me as well.

Sounds like Locanto has a lot to answer for, as that is the app my husband has been using to access prostitutes! I have maintained my right to stay, and he has to move out if he steps one toenail over the line again. This strategy seems to have worked as I think he has really turned his life around. He appears to have (so far) successfully gone cold turkey, and does not seem to have gone down that track again at all since I found out. However, my trust in him has still not returned and I am still waiting to see the psych. (They are flat out with the backlog caused by "Covid-related" marital problems and mental health issues). I think it's going to take a long time for me to trust him or forgive him. I will never forget though, and our marriage won't ever be the same as it was before all of this.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Re: "Too forgiving"?

That's your call. But I suggest if you forgive him that you'll need to put a rough date that you'll move on or life will be he'll for a long time.

Trust will be the challenge.

Counseling is a must.

TonyWK