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Understanding feelings of rejection. 

Dr_Kim
Community Member

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up.

Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples.

1. “I’m not good enough” 
This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more!
 

2. "Nobody will ever love me”. 
This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 

3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?”
Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. 

In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language:

 it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down. 

38 Replies 38

ihen
Community Member
how can you can cope with a weakening feeling?

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Ihen~

I've popped a post to you in your own thread

Forums / Relationship and family issues / seeking for help

as has Rabbit33.

Thanks

Croix

peacock
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi. This is my first post. I am struggling at the moment because my sister has cut off contact with me for no apparent reason. This really hurts. She used to do it many years ago but seemed to be more easygoing the last few years: I think she may have a personality disorder as she has used this tactic to various people. I just want the pain to stop and for me to try to come to terms with the silent treatment: I would prefer someone to abuse me to my face rather than endure this.

Wow what you say is how I feel as well.

Joy77
Community Member

Hi peacock

I understand your pain. I struggle to know where to put unresolved pain. And it’s very difficult when you haven’t been given the opportunity of communication. Some people avoid uncomfortable communication at all costs, where as I would rather know where I stand so I can then deal with it and hopefully then learn methods to move on. Unfortunately we can’t change other people’s behaviour.

Perhaps speaking to a psychologist yourself to try to work through the hurt and grief might be useful. If somebody won’t give you closure then the only thing you can do is try to navigate your own pain and take control of it moving forward so you actually can move forward.

X

CapitalAxe
Community Member

Wow, you really are blessed with good advice...I need yours...when my thread appears which i just posted. Please reply...I need your kind of opinion please!

🙂

Thanks in advance

Azathoth
Community Member
Dr Kim said:

2. "Nobody will ever love me”.
This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us.

How do you know it's a lie though? Empty claims vs evidence.

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Azathoth,

The statement is said to be a lie, because you cannot tell for certainty that nobody will ever love you from the the this time now, to the end of your life. We don't really know what will happen tomorrow, let alone in 1 year or 5 years time. Evidence might suggest that nobody has loved you, but cannot talk about the future.

Tim

Then by that logic the claim it is a lie isn't correct either.

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Perhaps it is better to call it a myth? Would that work better for you?

Tim