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Turbulent Marriage - not sure what to do to make it better?
My hubby & I have been together 9yrs, married 5yrs; we have a beautiful dd (2 3/4yrs old) and I'm 30ish weeks pregnant with our 2nd dd. I have a history of depression, anxiety, low self esteem, etc - not a great childhood, mental/emotional abuse & physical abuse from an alcoholic father.
Some of the Issues we currently have:
- I am a work at home mum; our dd is with me all the time so I have to do most of my business work when hubby gets home. Hubby looks after dd well sort of, of course she comes to see me thats ok but i expect hubby to come and get her and entice her to stay with him however it doesnt happen and i end up with a toddler trying to get my attention and i have to stop my work - I get annoyed at him that he hasn't come to get her. His solution is that i have to shut the door - this makes me feel uneasy and locked away, which makes my creative work hard to do.
- I feel like hubby wont discuss plans to get everything we need done with me. He'll just spring on me he's going to mow the lawn, I not against him mowing the lawn - i get upset that he hasn't discussed it, hasn't taken in consideration what else needs to get done (especially my business) and that its on his timeline and I have to drop whatever i am doing/need to do to look after our dd. To me this feels like everything is how he wants it, and what i want/need doesn't matter
- this one is a big one. Minimal Sex - we will go months without it. I want a healthy sex life, but I do think we have a discrepancy in our libidos - I'd be more than happy with once a fortnight/month, he on the otherhand it feels like even twice a week wouldn't be enough (but this part i think we could work out). I'm struggling to have interest (breastfeeding dd for 2.5yrs & being pregnant doesn't help), but my concerns are I dont feel like he is interested in me except sexually - if i talk about anything, as quick as he can he will change the subject wont participate in the conversation with me, doesnt make any effort to spend time with me, its always his friends, our dd, his rest time, etc.. . So sex feels like its me giving more, when i dont receive much - plus the way he acts with it, kinda like its his right as my husband the actual act feels like its more about him than us.. and I hate the way I feel about it/him..
there are other issues here, we have seen councilors but nothing gets better, it doesnt get really bad well not yet - but I feel really alone in my marriage
I'm so sorry you are feeling like this especially during your pregnancy.
I've been with my husband for almost 19 years and from my experience what you're describing sounds familiar and common. Especially when you have young kids marriage goes through some weird patches while everyone figures out what they want and where they stand. If that makes sense?
I went through a time with my husband where I thought maybe I don't feel the way I should about him he was wrapped up in how he sore the world very black and white and different to me he thought was doing everything right but wasn't listening to what I needed from him and felt like I was banging my head against a wall trying to explain to him.
So I went and got myself some counselling took time to work on me and what I wanted funny thing it helped my marriage I would definitely recommend you take break from the stress of marriage if that possible work on something for you do you have any interests/hobbies. Maybe see counselor on your own to talk over your concerns. Do you get out of the house much and have other people to chat about this with outside advice helps working from home can be really isolating believe me I know.
Have you considered putting dd into daycare one day a week?
Working from home can be double edge sord I have been running business from home for last 13 years while looking after my 3 kids great because have so much time with them but hard to juggle everything at once!
Not sure if my rambling is any help to you but I hope things get better for you
Thank you for your reply.
We have considered the option of childcare but have found it hard to find a good place, and the money side even with rebates can be a scary thought especially when my business is having a lull - it's a bit of a catch 22. Now bubs #2 is coming and dd is almost 3 we are looking into preschool which should help.. Although I resent that this has to be our option as it was never our plan -the plan was hubby was to work during the day, and I work weekends/some nights. Putting her in childcare feels a bit like I'm only one compromising - and his life gets to stay the same...
I am seeing a councilor for some pregnancy fears, and have see other previously.. Things seem to get worse when I do see one, I think mainly because I stand up for myself and it ends up in quite a number of fights.. When I don't things aren't to bad, but I doubt we are happy it's just status quo...
i don't have a lot of me things, this is something I need - I have a lack of friends that doesn't help... But starting any of these things with our pending newborn is a bit difficult.. I will work on that once she arrives.. But making friends as an adult is so hard - I wish I could, I struggle to be friends with other women and no man wants to be friends with a married woman (the whole territory thing)
definitely not rambling, thank you for giving me some hope..
I'm just feeling like a supporting character in someone else's life, I want to co-star in our life - if this makes sense...
Purplepolkadots I can so relate to you.
I find it really hard to find female friends tend to attract the wrong kind of friends when I do. So much easier for me to have male friends but that gets complicated and I think we need female friends to understand some of our problems that men can't relate to.
I'm trying to get into a ocd support group at the moment find some people I can relate to face to face.
I know in my area they have walking groups and playgroups for mums with anxiety not sure if something like that would help to find like minded people I wanted to try but to anxious.
About daycare not sure if helps but have you looked into family daycare much cheaper and sometimes a better quality different atmosphere to daycare.
Can't say what it was that helped my marriage think was mix of things that all happened at the time. But think certainly helped me to just focus on me and kids I was tiered of being the one trying to change things.
I hope you can find time for you and enjoy time with your new beautiful baby I had a lot of fears and anxiety with my last baby its really hard but so happy she here and wouldn't change for the world