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Trust? White lies? Motives? Disrespect?

Community Member

Background, I'm a 30 year old woman, my partner is a friend of my ex fiance. (They are no longer friends due to this). I had recently left my fiance at the time, when this friend cheated on his girlfriend with me. He never came clean with his girlfriend, but broke it off a few days later and we have been seeing each other ever since.

Incident 1. My partner suggests we should give up porn. (I have a healthy appetite for my own porn usuage, and a high libido he cant always keep up with). He states his gone "cold turkey" and I should too, it will be "better for our sex life". He states he hasnt once looked at porn in the last 6 weeks and encourages me again. I instantly felt something was "off", I reviewed his phone history to look for answers as I had doubt, and he has continued to look at porn every day. I staged the discussion again days later and only hours after he looked at porn, and I asked again if he had slipped up, and how was he going with "cold turkey". The response was "I havent felt the need or urge too look", "going fine", "Ive quit". Why is he lieing? White lie or something more? What is his motive?

Incident 2. My partner tells me a story of his best friend cheating, and he watched them have sex. He drove his best friend to the girls house, and he dared them to have sex in front of him. The best friend did, and he watched, while his girlfriend at the time was waiting for him at home. When I asked him if he told her what had happened when he got home, he said "no way, but I feel like I would tell you as we could talk about it". When asked his thoughts on his friends actions, he said "its not great but he has it out of his system now, what she doesnt know wont hurt her". White lie, or corrupt morals?

Incident 3. He frequently groans, growls and says "yummy", or alike in front of me if he sees an attractive woman. Disrespectful towards me or is it good he can express himself openly?

Incident 4. He outright flirts, even talks over the top of me to flirt, directly in front of me to other women. His coworkers also call him a chronic flirt. He states he doesnt know his doing it. Disrespect to me or good he doesnt hide it?

I am a very open person, yet concerned about the toll this behaviour may take on myself in the long run. Im also confused by motives, is trust questionable.

He constantly talks about making me happy, we should of got together years ago, marriage, having children asap, growing old together, he sees a future, I have doubts.

2 Replies 2

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi LovedrunkX,

Welcome to the online community.

I think the very fact that you are questioning these behaviours, means that it doesn't sit well with you. And I think it's worth considering why they don't sit well with you in more detail.... you've kind of already started answering that above in your post.

I'm not going to tell you what you should do, because you ultimately need to do what makes you happy. But maybe re-read your post and highlight the key words... lying, disrespect, pressuring others, flirting and being sexually overt with other woman.

Maybe make a list of the traits and behaviours you expect from a partner and then see if his behaviour aligns with that list.

It certainly sounds like he is demonstrating that there is one rule for him and a different rule for you. And that doesn't sound very respectful to me.

You're only 30, right? And if you are having doubts this early into the relationship, then maybe listen and trust that part of yourself. Relationships throughout our lives are meant to guide and teach us what we are willing to accept and what we are not. So maybe, take the learning from this relationship and put them to use in the next one.

Just my thoughts. Good luck whatever you decide to do. Remember to have your back - you only have one life and you deserve happiness, love, trust and respect... as well as a great sex life. All of those things can exist together.

Big hugs

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hey LovedrunkX

Welcome to this really safe and supportive space.

I was going to write a response to you and after reading what Gabs has written to you, I "TOTALLY AGREE", there is nothing that I can say that would be repeating the sentiments that Gabs has left for you.

I live by the rule of "gut feelings", I have learnt that what my body does is usually a response that I should listen to, be it excitement and joy or nervousness or even fear and a warning..my gut usually has it pretty much right. That what "my gut says is usually right".

I am wondering what your gut is telling you?

I love the idea of a list and to compare it with what is true and happening, to what you would expect and like to be happening and as Gabs said, make a judgement on how that list makes you feel or what it has to tell you.

Here to support you through this really confusing and unsure time.

Sarah xx