Trust? Relearning what that word means.

homerj · ‎31-10-2018

Hey, I’ve be learning a lot of new things lately and this online communication thing is another.

So I’ll start by saying that I’ve been my own worst enemy throughout my adult life.

Being a constant abuser of alcohol for the past 15 years has seen my life spiral all the way down to rock bottom, that was 5 months ago. Alcohol almost ended my life and my marriage.

Since then I’ve managed to curb my drinking so much so that I haven’t had a drop for 3.5 weeks.

My wife and I have been seeing a marriage counselor, which my wife arranged, for 3 months and things were getting better, until...

4 weeks ago I found out my wife had slept with another man 3 weeks prior to me finding out. I was gutted. She was talking with other men online, hence why she wanted marriage counseling. I wasn’t giving her what she needed, attention, because I was so engulfed in my alcoholism.

So now I’m working on staying sober and keeping my marriage alive. She has been fantastic, honestly doing anything she can to help me through both situations. But I just can’t seem to trust her at all anymore and I find myself obsessing over her whereabouts constantly. I really want to be able to get enough trust back so we can move on with our life together.

Any advice would be awesome, thanks for reading.

Juliet_84 · ‎31-10-2018

Hi homerj,

Firstly, congratulations on making such great strides to improve yourself and leave behind alcohol, I know old habits can die hard and your progress is truly to be commended.

Secondly, I can understand how hard that must have been to find out. You have both hurt the one you love with each of your behavior but you both seem committed to making this work. All I would say is give it time, you will need time and seeing a change in her behavior in order to trust her again, and she will likely need to see the same from you. I think it’s important not to blame each other, you’ve both been wrong in the past, and no good can come of dwelling there. If you’re both committed, you can move forward.

homerj · ‎01-11-2018

Thank you for your reply Juliet_84.

That was the response I hoped I would get. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that what I am trying to achieve is not hopeless even when it seems to be. I feel that if I can consistently believe in myself and my wife then we can make a better life for each other.

Thank you also for commending my efforts to rid my life of alcohol. It made it an even harder habit to break when the depression set in but thankfully I’m still alive and kicking.

Juliet_84 · ‎06-11-2018

Hi homerj,

I’m so glad that I was able to give you what you were seeking! I am going through a similar process of self-discovery (most of us probably are on here), and I think it’s very important not to lose hope and become demoralized the first time we hit a major hurdle - the trick is to keep going. In your instance, you found the marriage counseling helpful so I urge you to keep going with that, even though your first thought is probably “what’s the point”. It’s the same with the alcohol, just keep going with it, for yourself. It may be hell for the next little while but when you come out the other side, you will be so grateful you did and have a happier life to show for it. I guarantee you it will be the best thing you ever do, and do it for yourself also, don’t let anyone derail you.