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Trust issues

Bubbles1983
Community Member

Hi

last year wheno was 27 weeks pregnant I found out that my husband was chatting inappropriately with women online. It blew up and we went to marriage counseling to try and get past it .

I have had trust issues ever since and I suspect it's happening again . Despite him giving me access to all his accounts I feel he is being more sneaky this time .

I also read some messages on his facebook that were sent 6 months after we were married and they were disgusting and definitely crossing the line .

We we have a 10 month old baby and overall a happy marriage / family life ( or so I thought ) . He does have self esteem issues but this is no excuse .

Im not sure what to do . As I said our life together is great but im sick of his lies and what some may consider as cheating .

Any help appreciated xxx

18 Replies 18

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Bubbles. My name is Lynda. You are in a bit of a spot here. For some reason your hubby is more 'at home' chatting online than to you. Can I ask, if it's not too hurtful, what sort of things he says to these women. If it's flirting, then you need to know why he feels the need to flirt. You mentioned he has self esteem issues, do you know what the cause is? Perhaps he is the sort of person who needs to feel attractive, that is something only he can answer. You said he's given you access to his bank accounts but you still feel uneasy. Have you told him you feel uneasy, and, if possible, why you feel uneasy. I think it might be an idea if you could maybe write down some of the things you feel unhappy about. Show him what you've written and let him at least explain himself. Try to take it one step at a time. I realise you're hurting, he needs to know you're hurting and why.

All the best. Lynda.

Hi Lynda ,

I wrote in another thread and you helped me to realise that I have a narcissistic mother in law - hence why my husband ( and his brothers) . His dad is also a bully .

I will be having a discussion with him tonight bur im ️feeling numb about or all as its happened before and I'm not sure a positive outcome can come of it given the history and circumstances .

It it seems like an ego driven attention thing but it is still nor an excuse for that behavior .

In one message he asked for her number .

These me messages were from a few years ago but I have no idea what has driven him to do this ... And therefore why is can't just do it again ( which I suspect 😣)

Hi Bubbles. I thought I recognised you from a previous thread. I feel so sorry that you are in this sad situation. Obviously turning to his parents is not an option, although perhaps your parents could help you as far as taking the baby so you could have some time together. I think you should have a talk with him, tell him what you fear. Ask him straight out if he is chatting. If he is ask him why. I'm hoping for your sake it is innocent. As I said earlier, write down your fears, doing this means you won't get tongue-tied when you talk to him. Sometimes when we're angry or hurt, our words come out wrong and we say things we don't necessarily mean. If he is contemplating another woman, (I hope for you and baby he isn't), you need to have some options for yourself. One step at a time, though. Find out first what's going on.

Hi again ,

so we had a big discussion and turns out my suspicions were right . while he isnt looking for anything romantic outside our marriage he has still been chatting to other females .

We are going to separate for awhile . I'm very upset and don't know how I'm going to get past this πŸ˜•

Bubbles1983
Community Member

We had a discussion and my suspicions were all true . He isn't looking for anything romantic but still has felt the need to talk to women outside the relationship . It's something I cant , and will never understand.

I have decided to separate from him for awhile and I'm not sure what's going to happen .

It certainly has been a tumultuous year .

Hi Bubbles

I'll take this step by step.

YOUR standards is what is so important here not his standards or friends standards. You need to be confident in your decision to leave and you appear to be. You should have no guilt in your moving out. You find his sneaky womanising (and that's what it is) unacceptable- period, end of story.

You have a 10 month old baby. although some circumstances would see you remain with him for the sake of your child, this unacceptable situation, with that theory, would see you forsake your life with a man that would cheat on you given the opportunity.

Set yourself up with your baby. Devote your immediate future on the welfare of your child, your emotional needs and fulfilling your now ex partner and your child with calm, good communicative visitation arrangements.

Two more things. first, in a few months you'll be settled and happier. Second, trust is a key ingredient for a happy relationship.

Good luck. I'm proud of you

Tony WK

dear Bubbles, I am really sorry that this has happened because once trust has been broken then there are always questions being asked by you only to be told lies by him.
He could open another bank account as well as get a pre-paid mobile all of which he hides from you, because when he is talking to other females that could easily be done, and which he will hide somewhere.
Your life together maybe 'great' but you have to realise it might be great for another person or persons as well, and your not sure whether he has said any of this to them, because you can't rely on what he has to say.
I am always suspicious because of my ex-wife and what was done, and I find it hard to believe that he's not looking for a romantic relationship, perhaps not but then what is he after.
Surely he has some mates he can talk to without putting the marriage in danger of breaking up, however he hasn't and chose to talk to one female or more.
The accounts he has given permission for you to look over won't have anything suspicious, it's those that he's hiding.
I am pleased that you have decided to separated at the moment, although it's going to be very sad for you but trust is paramount in any marriage. Geoff. x

Hi Bubbles. I am so sorry this has happened. Geoff and Tony are quite right with their ideas. Marriage is supposed to be husband, wife and children. The fact that he finds pleasure talking to other woman is so hurtful because he should be talking, flirting with you. It couldn't have been an easy decision to make for you, but under the circumstances it's right. I'm just hoping he takes care of you financially. Maybe leaving him will shake him enough to realise his actions are wrong. Did you ask him why he has the need to talk to other woman? That would've been my first question? Perhaps knowing would be painful, but I know I would want to know. Whatever your future holds, rest assured, for now, you've made the right decision for you and the baby.

Take care and best wishes. Remember we're here if you need to talk, vent. Lynda.

Thanks for your support . He can't explain why he does it and I honestly doesn't think he knows himself . He did mention the word ' fantasy ' . A separate life as such ' behind a computer screen ' which in his mind makes it innocent .

He he also said he likes to chat because he doesn't have a lot of friends which is stupid be does have friends that he doesn't make an effort with .

He has serious problems which I don't think he even understands himself .

Thanks again . I feel stronger now than I have in awhile as I've been doubting him / not trusting him for a long time and that's not a nice way to live .