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Trust issues within my relationship- do I stay or go?
*trigger warning mentions of addiction
So I could really use some advice. My partner and I have been together for 2 years now and he is a porn addict, he has lied to me about porn and a few other things more times than I could count, he claims he working on it and trying to get better and I'm trying to support him with that. About a year and a half ago when I first found out about his addiction and all the lies I became extremely depressed and anxious all the time, I stopped going to work, school, seeing my friends, I just stopped living. Fast forward to now, for the last few weeks for the first time in ages I've actually been feeling really good, my depression has lifted and my anxiety has definitely lessened. But we are still having issues regarding his addiction and other trust issues within our relationship and I'm really scared that if I continue in this relationship I'll be taken back to the dark place I was in, but at the same time for the first time he seems to really be trying to make progress and trying to better himself and I obviously love and care about him but my fear is making me want to run far away from him.
Any advice on my situation is appreciated.
It is so brave and wonderful that you have reached out for some help and some advice on this situation and on your relationship.
I am so happy to read that you are feeling really good and your depression and anxiety has lifted, that is so wonderful to hear and I am so pleased for you. I hear what you are saying in that you love and care about your partner but my opinion, and I am no professional is that you perhaps need some time away from this relationship until your partner has made some solid progress in his ability to control his addiction. I am not discounting that you want to support him and be there for him and you can still do this but perhaps as a friend. You can pick up your relationship in the future if that is something you both want to do.
I am hearing that you are worried that you will slip back into your dark place and I do not want that for you either. I feel like creating some space between you will give you the strength to keep your own mental health in check and keep happy and well and also give him time to do some work with his addiction.
Which leads me to the next question..what is he doing to work through is addiction? Is he in a support group or counselling? Addictions are an incredibly hard thing to manage so I am proud of him for making progress as you said, I am just wondering what that looks like for him.
Please take care of yourself and continue to chat on here as there are some wonderful people who can give you some great advice and some comfort too.
Hugs to you Sammy2 and hope to chat soon.
Hi Sammy2, welcome
Aaronsis had a detailed reply. I would be concerned having a break from him only because he could be tempted to engage in some sexual relationship in that period. But you can judge that yourself.
In a marriage/defacto relationship we all have our individual boundaries, we have different tastes on all sorts of topics, but we come together as one with these differences and it works if those differences...aren't that different as to cause conflict. It becomes problematic if your values conflict and having isolated the problem (in this case porn addiction) and there isnt some major progress within a fair timeframe, say 6-12 months then if you find this unacceptable and hurtful, you might need to reconsider your future.
Aronsis raised a good question- 'Which leads me to the next question..what is he doing to work through is addiction? Is he in a support group or counselling?' If he has not sought such professional services then he hasn't been serious in getting help and is merely delaying the problem and testing your patience hoping you'll give in. If he has got help then one should ask that professional how long he needs to be addiction free.
This addiction is not unlike other addictions. The key factor here is YOU. Your values, your patience levels, your tolerance levels. Not any other persons boundaries.
I hope you are ok.