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Trust Issues *Trigger Warning - Domestic Violence*

Community Member


First of all, please pardon me if my English is all over the place.

I am originally from Malaysia and have a partner, Julian from Romania, we have been together for 8 years, most of our relationship is long distance. We are both working in a educational institution, he is currently in Asia. We started the relationship when he was only 24 and I was 29. Julian travel the world teaching English, we only met once or twice a year when we get the chance. We communicate mostly through Skype, Facebook, emails.

In January 2015, I received a contract to work in my home country for a year and I was so excited about it. Julian was teaching in China at that moment, when he found out about it, he quit his job to come and stay with me and since then everything went downhill. I finished my contract a year later and returned to Australia, as a totally different person.

I used to be a very happy.person. Since Julian came to live with me in Malaysia, I found myself caught in a very difficult situation.

Julian has a temper issue and he always lie to me. I couldn't differentiate if he is telling me the truth or if he is telling me another tale. If I caught him lying and confronted him about it, he started acting crazy, throwing his phone, punching the door, threatening me that he will end his life. He always have something he called 'panic attack' and threw a tantrum no matter where we were and whether it is life threatening. He is constantly lying and I actually knew about it and it really hurts me badly, emotionally.

The worse when he started hitting me and it happened 3 times now since 2015. Last year was the worse when he got upset and tried to commit suicide , when I tried to stop him, he attacked me and self harmed. 

He blames me for every single problem we have in our relationship. I know sometimes I can be demanding when I asked him all the time about where he was and who was with him and what he was doing. But what else can I ask? Julian always said this relationship is a nightmare to him but everytime I asked for us to go our separate ways, he refused to let go and again, he blamed me for making the relationship so difficult.

I don't know where to seek advice and where to find help and to understand if I am really the caused of all the problems occurred in this relationship.



8 Replies 8

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Auggie, welcome

Sometimes we don't acknowledge we are in a toxic relationship. Even after he hit you you don't mention he is violent and abusive- he is! It doesn't matter why. You would never be blamed enough for anyone to hit you. I hope you understand this?

Sometimes we can forgive others for their actions. When do we stop forgiving? When they over step your own boundaries and when its illegal. That's my view. Are there any exceptions? Yes.

A friend of mine had his wife throw mince meat at him in anger. Technically it is assault and...illegal. however, she was remorseful (important) and it didn't do any physically harm to him. In fact they laugh about it now.

However to hit your partner is a gravely bad thing to do. There is no guarantee he will never do it again.

I don't hold out much hope of you both making a solid future together due to your separations and the abuse. Such abuse could be a cultural acceptable thing, that doesnt make it right for YOU. Add to that your dissatisfactions with his answers to basic common questions means there is a cloud of doubt over his honesty. Such doubt should not be there.

You can google the following threads to help you.

topic: the definition of abuse- beyondblue

topic: relationship strife?, the peace pipe- beyondblue

Tony WK

Hi Tony,

Thank you so much for your reply. Up to this moment, I've stayed with him through thick and thin. I know that I am making a fool of myself believing that he will not harm me again, he did it anyway even after a series of intense 'sorry' moment.

I always have in mind that after being with someone for that long, for me to start over and being on my own, terrified me. Julian always mentioned that no one will ever want to have me, except for him. And I believe it...

Even after taking a punch and hit from him, he forced me up to take me out for lunch and dinner telling me that he wants 'to make it up to me'...

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to escape. He told me that we will never stop arguing and fighting and it was all becoz of me, being a shallow Asian who lives in my own small bubble and will never understand the European culture. He blamed the way my parents brought me up that makes me so 'family oriented' and never tried to have fun and go outside to enjoy life. I do enjoy my life before I met him, drawing and painting, listening to music, but I have stopped doing that since I met him becoz I am too occupied trying to deal with my emotional state.

All the time I feel insecure and overthinking, if I confront him about his lies, would he attack me again or would leave me.

I couldn't sleep at night and couldn't be myself anymore. I spent every night crying. I thought when I found him, he will protect me and make me feel safe but it never cross my mind that he will be the one who hurt me the most.

I don't see anyway for me to escape and he refused to leave me. I was just too afraid to face the world alone and ended up with someone who will end it all for me.



Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hi Auggie, I hope you are still up checking on your post because I wanted to reply back to you Thursday 5/4, but got involved in other matters as well as posting, so I'm sorry.

Sorry, can I welcome you to the site first of all and want to thank Tony for his reply which I agree with.

Will continue, I just wanted to let you know that there is someone else who wants to respond.

My Best Wishes.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hi Auggie, I will wait until I hear back from you. Geoff.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Auggie,

Sorry for your struggle.

The best thing u can do is leave.

I too was in an abusive relationship ( emotional abuse) & I can relate to some of your feelings here.

Call the domestic violence line 1800 respect...and they can help you with a safety plan...to leave him. Or you can go to the police. Do you have friends/ family that can come with you?

You shouldn't have to go through this alone & u deserve to be happy again...

White knight is spot on.


Thank you so much for your kind reply. I did tried to leave him, but he threatened me that he will make my life even more harder if I would to leave him.

At the moment I just limited my conversation with him and it really makes him angry and he started calling me 'bitch' and all that kind of thing again. I just ignored everything and keep on doing my work.

I did call the helpline for couple of times and they talked to me through everything. It helps reduce the stress a bit.

Sincerely, Auggie

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hello Auggie, can I give you a few phone numbers:

--Relationship support 1300 364 277

-1800RESPECT 1800 737 732

-Lifeline 13 11 14

-use your phone so that he can't trace any numbers, contact the local police, they may already know of his character and want him to stop

-Prepare and plan ahead, organise somewhere you can go that he doesn't know about
-get all your bank statements as much as you want, your passport if you have one, change the pin on your card, your email and try not to post on facebook.

-there are only a few people you should tell, but be careful.

You will be better for your own safety.

Please take care.


Community Member

Hi Auggie. I really wanted to answer your post as I have been in a similar situation. A womens refuge can help you. These are safe houses and often no one knows where they are. You will get support there to find permanent housing and deal with any issues such as legal.

Pack a bag and hide it. You need personal documents medications and extra clothing. Hide it somewhere safe or leave it with a friend or neighbours incase you need to leave in a hurry.

A refuge can help you get away safely if you are in danger.

Often things get worse, never better and can get dangerous when you leave. Please stay safe.