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Trust issues from partner.

Community Member

Going on 5 years now, about 2.5 years ago we had our first child. I guess just before that pregnancy she was a heavy drinker. One night she looked at her mums tablet and messenger. Without permission. She came across a conversation I had with her mum. She exploded, ‘how dare I talk to her mother!’ I said sorry but she started by asking about her daughters drinking, true concern I don’t know, but I responded with the truth, yes the drinking was a problem but I’m doing my best to push her daughter in the right direction. I love her. But my partner only focused not on content but the talking to her mum bit. Which I found hard as I was showing true concern. She’s an alcoholic. From that moment I had lost her trust.

Not long after the ‘where were you, you’ve been cheating’ topic started popping up.

I have never been with anyone but her. She questions that too sometimes. Am I really the guy that decided to wait till 32? Well yes. I contrast this stubborn position I took, even when single had no desire for casual sex, with being constantly questioned as if I were cheating on her.

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’m honest but I’m laidback. Suddenly a single word in a text in my phone has her question me. ‘Are you 2 talking in code?’

It’s difficult getting the third degree where I can’t deviate from the truth. All allegations are false. I know the ppl she brings up, I try to show the irrational thinking, the projecting of her past trauma. She’ll say I’m gaslighting her.

1.5 years ago we lost our second child. She held on for five days but we had to let her go.

Around that pregnancy, things went into overdrive. She started using the baby monitor to record video and sound, she’d leave a second phone laying around recording. Or place one in my car. She’d take notes on time and places I’d go.

I’d always say her arrogance of thinking she’s right is a downfall. That she’s digging a hole and it’s getting deeper and I’m worried she won’t get out of it.

She talked to no one about her/our loss. I see a psychologist.

It feels like I’m being suffocated and stalked by my own partner. Eggshells!

I give her 100% faith that she won’t cheat on me. Then I wondered am I being an enabler as at one point I gave her access to my google maps (which is innaccurate when used in background). I let her look all over my computer and in my phone. I really have nothing to hide.

I randomly asked to look at her phone, all being fair and equal, but she wouldn’t let me.


4 Replies 4

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Castro and welcome to the forums and making your first post.Your story sounded so similar to mine.I could so relate to it.I use have conversations with my wife at the time parents about her mental health that she found out about and was not to happy.I was 30 when I met her and was ready to settle down but accused of cheating and how I could I be 30 and never girlfriend.We lost a baby that really set her off mentally.The constant accusations and she so believed everything she was thinking and in the end cheated on me which completely ended our relationship.
The relationship was toxic and was destroying me mentally.Getting out of it I could breathe again and live without the constant mental abuse my ex was doing to me.I hope you can find some way to get your life back.
Take care,

Community Member

Hi castro,

What she does to you is things i do to my partner.. im paranoid with him cheating but i have 100% proof he did it to me.. I check everything.

I think maybe after all you both have been through shes scared to lose you and it helps her everyday to get piece of mind that your not cheating.. Maybe she is still going through post natal depression,even a year or so after a birth and if its untreated it can linger on for years, maybe getting her to a GP would be a start.

Thanks for writing to me you two, I do appreciate it.

She has a referral for a psychologist. Finally. But is saying she’s tried to book twice and both had books closed. I assume she can find one. I did!

Today, is a good example of walking on eggshells.

I had day surgery, once a year for me to look inside. When I got home I told her how on admission they took my height, and when the woman noted it down I was 2cm shorter, and said, ‘I must be slouching, my partner always says I slouch.’ I do. We are both the same height.

my partner responded with the fact that we all kind of shrink with age. We’re both around 40. I joked and said nope not me I get younger!

Then suddenly she went for a walk around the block while I laid down to rest. I even said hey come lay with me.

Upon return, it turns out she recorded on her phone the above part of our conversation and went for a walk to listen to it.

So came home to put earbuds in my ears and told to listen. She explained she wasn’t sure but felt I was actually insinuating she was old...

I corrected her (as I anyways seem to do) and said I was being outlandish about ME, of course no one gets younger. She would not listen to me nor accept my rational answer.

I love her and our son so much. But it’s a good example that if I do t become a monk, she reads into literally anything.

She also has a hearing problem that means she misheard words that sound similar. I’ve been told she will not get any more gearing aids and I have to adapt to that? So she always asks for verbatim sentences at random. I don’t write speeches so even a previous sentence I can’t quite remember EXACTLY. But I do know the topic and a rough version of what I said. But that’s not good enough.

I’m not even sure if she realises she’s pushing me away.

Hi Castro.

I don't like giving advise, however, have you thought about your behaviour from her point of view?

Are you able to adapt to help her past your issues?