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Transphobic dad

callmeaz
Community Member

Sorry for the lack of punctuation

My dad is transphobic and threw a tantrum when I used my chosen name on my school roster (with permission from my mum) and started threatening to stop paying for my school fees but gets upset that me and my family don't contact him anymore.

I'd also like to make it clear I did come out to him last Christmas but he continued to deadname me throughout my stay.

I just wanted advice on how to deal with him

8 Replies 8

That Other Guy
Community Member

I am 53 years old. I have a trans son. My dad is deeply transphobic. It's not clear how old you are, and therefore how much you rely on him for support. You mention school fees, so....

I navigate my dad by gently challenging his views without having full on fights. He has not seen my son for years because of how both my parents used to talk to him about his weight when he was younger. My father in law is also transphobic and I am more aggressive to them because they see my son. I told them recently they can't change how my son feels but if they choose to not be supportive they will just lose him.

It sounds like you have your mums support. Perhaps you need to rely on her and avoid talking about it with your dad? I want you to know that most people in society don't feel like your dad. We accept that you are who you say you are, and just want mechanisms exist to support you and help you live a happy life. Your teen years are the toughest years of your life, they were for me. Find support where you can, and just try to deal with your dad as best you can. Once you're able to move away you'll have the freedom to create rules that he needs to accept, to have you in his life. I have encouraged my son to do the same, to understand his worth and tell people if they harm him, he won't be part of their lives.

None of this reflects on you. Your dad has a bad attitude for whatever reason. It does not reflect at all on your worth, or your validity as a human being.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

The other guy's post above says it all.

The following thread might help

Google: beyondblue topic LGBTIQ you are still a jigsaw piece

TonyWK

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Callmeaz, what you call yourself could have been influenced by what others have started calling you, so your father has no say in it and the reason why you and the family don't contact him, is what's the point, an argument may start and could only 'deadname you'.

Sometimes elderly people can change, while others are too ingrained with their thoughts and it's impossible to try and reason with them.

The only way he can see you is to make sure no derogatory comments are made because as soon as they do, means you will have to go or perhaps you could mention what he now does is something his parents were not comfortable with and that each generation changes.

You can also have a chat to Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, web chat or online, but hope to hear back from you when you're available.

Geoff.

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear Callmeaz,
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members.
 
We want to thank you for having the strength and bravery to share your story and allow our community to help you on your journey. We can hear that your dad is having trouble accepting who you are, resulting in him taking out his frustrations and judgements on you. This must be overwhelming when you are already trying to figure out yourself, school and future planning at your age, with all of this we hope that you are taking time for yourself to unwind or do an activity you enjoy.
 
As stated by ‘That Other Guy” it sounds like your mum is accepting and is the best person to seek support from at present, do you have other friends or family that are supportive and understanding?
 
We would like to acknowledge all the great advice and suggestions that have been recommended so far and would just like to add some in case you do feel the need to reach out for more assistance or advice. As recommended by Geoff we will also suggest Kids Helpline as a great point of contact, alternatively we want you to know that Beyond Blue are there for you if you need to talk anytime.
 
Beyond Blue support service 24/7, either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
We would also like to recommend contacting QLife. QLife is a free and anonymous service run by LGBTIQ+ peers for those wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings, or relationships. They operate between 3pm and midnight each day and can be called on   or chat via https://qlife.org.au/resources/chat
 
This is a safe space to share and express your own feelings, struggles and experiences without judgement. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M
 

jaz28
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi there,

Welcome to the community! I am sorry you are having trouble with your dad.

These patriarchal transphobic views are unfortunately ingrained into the system and thus more deeply in its older generation, less-progressive counterparts. It may be hard to change such an ingrained view but my advice would be to stand your ground. Are your mother and other families supportive? if so, lean on them and use them as your allies.

Just tell your dad if you ever have to see him that this is who you are and it is not changing, continue to educate him and tell him that it is not okay to deadname. It seems silly but i think to avoid him when you can and lean on your supportive family is the key here, you need to be uplifted.

here if you need,

jaz xx

callmeaz
Community Member

Thank you for the support everyone.

to clarify I'm 15 and in year 10 I go to a private school so school fees are a bit steeper and my dad doesn't pay child support and probably wont pay my school fees now. Luckily I have my mum and sister to rely on and I've mostly cut him out of my life now.

Thanks :]

I am 53 and I do everything I can to love and support my trans son. I am sorry your experience is different but I promise you, most people don't agree with your dad. Society wants you to feel safe and accepted.

I cut out my mother 11 years ago. I'm 66 and mother in 90yo. I don't regret it.

I have a family friend and she appreciates me as a son.

All the best. Keep smiling.

TonyWK