Toxicity 101

[Van_demon]

My girlfriend from the 1st month started making accusations of cheating though I barely have a social life outside of our relationship. And that was the start of a toxic relationship.

i have done everything humanly possible to show her my full love trust and support.

we have gone on holidays and everything runs sweet and both enjoy the time away from the rush of city life and work.

we live in separate homes but I spend most of my time at her place and basically rent my place for storage.

theres constant arguments and I'm blamed for most of our issues and in the flip of a coin supposed to accept it.

i have no social life I don't go anywhere besides (work-appointments-or home for a few days)

she can be so caring loving often but when things are not what or how she wants them she turns very nasty abusing me and saying alot of hurtful things.

I'm your typical guy that just takes it puts it away inside my head and padlocks the door.

but now I'm at a breaking point because I'm tired of the blame game the abuse her bad domestic behaviour and constant accusations.

she constantly during her arguments with me reverts to our main problem is no sexual interaction.

how many times can a man or woman go with out being fully fulfilled before they give up wanting it.

i have given up!!! I've tried telling her how it makes me feel being left out to dry..

but she says it's all my fault and sees no issue from her side.

even when I explain to see it from my view/shoes.

my mind is almost gone 😕

[Matchy69]

Hi i sm so sorry for you are going through.I have been through something similar.My girl friend at the time was allways accusing me of seeing other woman when i wasn't and i was finding this very hurtful.I found out that her previous boyfriends had cheated on her and she didn't trust anyone.I found out from her parents who trusted me that also had some psychological problems.I stuck by her and she adventurslly trusted me but it was hard.

You need to work out what the best thing is going to be for you.It is so hard for you that she dosn't you when in a relationship you both should be able to trust each other and it shouldn't be effecting your mental health.

This is a great site to talk if you need to.

Take care,

Mark.

[Juliet_84]

Hi van demon,

You sound like you’re living in a nightmare m! My ex-partner was just like yours, he started out wonderful and loving but at around the 6 month mark when I was hooked, things started to slowly shift. I was also accused constantly of cheating (like you I went to work and came straight home), crazy stuff, even kept up late at night and interrogated for hours, called every name under the sun, possessions destroyed etc. From my experience, people who make these accusations are mentally unstable and they use it as a form of control. So that you are constantly doing exactly what they say so as not to set them off. And then they put on the loving stuff afterwards to reel you back in, but the mask slips eventually. Whatever you decide to do, I think you need to set some boundaries, that this won’t be tolerated. It won’t be easy, because abusive people tend to want to get you to engage so that they can deflect from their behaviour but you can’t. I think you need to ask yourself whether you are getting enough good out of the relationship to offset the bad, because that sounds pretty bad from the outset.

[Van_demon]

Hi mark.

sorry to hear you have had similar experiences mate.

yeah it's not a great or easy road to travel down especially when you love them so much.

we have tried multiple times to sit and talk the issues out.

but it just appears to be a revolving door with no end in sight.

I've struggled for 3-1/2yrs to show my love dedication loyalty and it really gets me nowhere.

she constantly finds things to argue with me about and plays the blame game a lot.

she has been raped as a young teen and forced into a marriage with that person and domestically abused.(as her cultures beliefs)

so I have a lot of empathy for her and patience/understanding.

but sometimes it's hard to deal with all the stresses.

and I've had 3 girlfriends now over the years who all seem to have the same or similar issues.

i honestly think I keep finding myself with the wrong girls.

but in my defence they never show any bad signs till we hook up 😬

[Van_demon]

Hi Juliet.

yeah I know exactly where your coming from and it's no fun fair.

unfortunately this for me is the 3rd girlfriend I have had with these same or very similar problems.

i guess with my luck in finding miss right I'm never going to win the lottery (which I don't play anyway 😂)

But it is highly sad when people can be so destructive and hurtful to someone that their meant to love in a relationship that would do anything for them not just out of love.

[geoff]

Hello Van demon, thanks for your comment and feel sorry for the anguish this is causing you.

What concerns me is that this has started in the first month which could indicate that she is the one who maybe cheating, simply because of it's way too early for this topic to be raised unless something has happened.

Going on holidays although it was good is totally different than being back at home, you want someone who you can trust, love and have an ideal relationship with, rather than being in one which isn't amicable.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Guest_3256]

Hello Van demon.

I can personally resinate with you in regards to your situation and feel for you.
Some people may suggest that your partner's behaviour could be linked to cheating - not in everyone's case and going from what you have written, most likely not in your situation.
I call this type of relationship 'a fine line between pleasure and pain' - literally.

Your partner's chronic insecurities may be due to past-trauma.
It could be her way of dealing with reassurance and trying to trust you.
It is a form of relationship abuse - unfortunately, your partner may not even know they are doing this.

If you really love this person, there is light at the end of the tunnel but it's going to require some comprehensive work from both ends to get to the next steps and most importantly, for you to be able to adjust, learn and respond in an appropriate manner to your partners needs.

In my situation, I spoke with a Carers Councilor who specialise in relationships and how to cope with a partner who experiences difficulties, such as relationship insecurities.
I was able to learn ways of gaining understanding (the why), and how to handle and diffuse the situation when they become abusive.

Some of my actions may help you:
• Activity listen to your partner.
• Let them vent - be supportive and show them that you are listening to what they have to say - no matter what they say.
• Reframe from thinking that ending the relationship with resolve the issue because that won't help either of you, that isn't a solution, it's a lazy way out of something you cant handle.
• You'll need to look after your partner by learning how to appropriately deal with their behaviour.
• Focus on you, learn how to take control, set boundaries but do not ever threaten to leave your partner.
• Most importantly, you need to show them that you are listening and do not become defensive.
• Provide them with appropriate reassurance by acknowledge their needs and accept who they are as a person.

As strange as this may sound, you will be building yourself to a better person, a better partner and you will learn that relationships are two way, it means listening to your partner and acknowledging them - even if you are not cheating.

Good Luck 🙂