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toxic relationship and 3rd child on the way. She hates me. I want out.
my wife and I have a rollercoaster past with a history of arguments, dark patches and she has extreme mood swings, that appear to coincide with hormones (be it PMT or pregnancy). Either way she has unpredictable moods that are either happy/easy or extreme irritability - historically the irritability made much much worse by pregnancy or post-natal timing.
She said she wanted a 3rd child last year, and after her testing her ovulation, at 43 we got pregnant. She then decided immediately it was a "mistake" and we fought for weeks about termination before deciding to proceed. (her, begrudgingly) - so this feels like a begrudging pregnancy even though she wanted it.
Ever since, all we do every day is fight and scream at each other. Usually at me, and usually over small things that she blows up at (buying the "wrong" vinegar, doing the laundry "wrong"). Its non stop and I am walking on egg shells, constantly in fear. There is zero intimacy, and I now sleep in a separate room. I have told her she is unrecognisable from who she was when I married her. Things were ok (7 out of 10) before we got pregnant. Now they are 2 out of 10. (Maybe a 1 some days)
Her mood swings started immediately when she conceived. She is now the anti-christ. I have never witnessed such unrelenting rage, negativity towards me, towards my family and towards the incoming fetus, even in past pregnancies.
We have tried a couple of counsellors, one of which told her if she continues, she is likely to lose her marriage. That didnt help.
She refuses to try more counsellors.
I have told her "3 things I can do to help with our issues" and explained what I can do to reduce tension. When I asked her what she can change for her part, it just made her angry that I even asked the question. I told her a love-less marriage isnt working for me, and we cannot continue like this. I told her its not fair on the kids too.
I feel like leaving her. I need to get away from her anger, her non stop criticism and vitriol, and I am worried about the anger and fights impacting on our 2 year and 4 year old. Not to mention bringing a baby into a hateful marriage..I just want it to stop. She hates me
What do I do?
Thank you for joining us on the forums and for being a part of this wonderful, warm, kind and understanding community. It sounds like you are are having a really tough time with your relationship at the moment. Relationships can be very stressful and this can be compounded when there are children in the picture as well. We are really sory to hear that you are feeling this way, it sounds like it is a really tough situation.
We think it would be usueful for you to speak to one of our counsellors, they are great at giving helpful advice - you can call us on 1300 22 4636. We have also put a few other options for getting support if you would prefer.
Beyond Blue - 1300 22 4636
Lifeline - 13 11 14
1800 Respect - 1800 737 732
We hope there is something useful for you there. Please feel free to update us on how you are going if you are comfortable doing so.
Sophie has supplied places you can contact.
I'm sorry to hear your story and it does appear that it's unlikely to survive much longer especially that she refuses to attend counseling sessions.
My marriage split when my kids were 7 and 4yo. I have some insight to the difficulties post that period. The best you can hope for, while you are still with her, is to withdraw from any unnecessary contact. Then try to have some communication with her solely talking about the future of your children particularly communication strategies about the children throughout their childhood.
As an example. My ex was a nasty piece of work, held grudges and had narcissism issues. I paid every child support for 14 years without a late payment. I also paid $15,000 to my daughters jaw and teeth realignment and so on. Regardless my ex limited discussion about our children. That attitude led to limiting my input into their lives. eg On parent and teacher nights I wanted to take my children there- nope! "you arent entitled to that under the courts ruling". I had to attend without them. Such lack of flexibility and cruel stances was hell. When my youngest turned 18yo I sent my ex a message telling her never to contact me again. I was free!.
It would be in your childrens interest and yours to "get along". There will be times when she would like to have nights out or holidays and work in with you also in minding the kids.
Child support can be crippling depending on your financial situation. Overall the best situation is if you can work out 50% custody, not easy. Then zero child support and you have 505 influence on your children.
One last thing. Friends and relatives posed the question after I left my marriage- "do you think you leaving is what she wanted"? It was a possibility rather than her trying to kick me out.
There is a good life waiting for you if you have the right approach. For reading on that simply read the following thread, jus tthe first post.
And here is another that might help
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this at the moment, it sounds very unpleasant 😞 I think Tony has given you some good suggestions about restricting your interactions, I certainly think that may help in the short term. Sometimes all you can do with a cyclone is try and stay out of its way! Regarding long-term, that’s really up to you and your wife. Do you think things will get better when she has had the baby? Or does that set in motion a whole new set of things that she can be annoyed about? No one should have to walk on eggshells put up with abuse as part of a relationship, her behavior is not acceptable in that regard and anger is such a toxic emotion, it sounds like even plants would have difficulty surviving in that environment! If it was me, I’d wait until the baby was born to see whether things improve. If they don’t, then it seems like an untenable situation to me. Two happy parents who are separated is better than two parents together who are constantly arguing. What do you think she will be like regarding access?
My heart truly goes out to you as you face what sounds like a potentially depressing situation.
Two things come to mind regarding your wife, (1) she's basically narcissistic or (2) she wants to feel certain feelings but doesn't know how to go about it in a way that's fulfilling. Could be a matter of the 2 combined to some degree. I'm sure you know better than anyone what the case really is, having lived with her for some years.
If it's a matter of not knowing how to go about feeling life in a variety of ways, often a telling response will be 'I don't know'. So, you could say 'What would lead you to feel happiness? What would bring you a soulful feeling of satisfaction? What would lead you to feel excitement? What would lead you to feel love? The list goes on. The response to all questions may simply be 'I don't know!' In a way, my husband would ask such questions of me during my years in depression and to be honest...I truly didn't know until I finally did, after coming out of my depression. Again, in all honesty, I actually resented him in a way for not being able to raise me out of my depression during those years. At the time, I thought 'He's my partner. He's meant to raise me'. From my experience, I believe we're meant to raise our self to a large degree with occasional guidance and support from those around us. How to raise our self becomes the major challenge, hence the need for a little guidance here and there.
I know, hard to believe but women do become super sensitive at times. I'm smiling by the way. Yes, I have my hand up...guilty as charged 🙂 I wonder if, like me, she's at times sensitive to feeling a lack. If you can imagine what a lack of personal fulfillment feels like, in your body, it's a challenging feeling to be feeling, if that makes sense. If you think about what a lack of excitement feels like (Eg: a lack of sexual excitement due to 'starvation') that comes with a certain feelings or sensations too. Just a couple of examples here. Feeling a lacking in a number of ways can become angering, frustrating and even depressing.
Deciding that having a baby is going to give her a feeling of fulfillment and then realising 'Oops, nup, that's not it' does come with challenges ahead but, of course, I don't have to tell you that.
Kids are highly sensitive little things. Be careful with what you lead them to feel. Lead them to feel a deep sense of love and that will become their focus. They'll know they're loved no matter what.