Toxic Breakup

[Shae14]

My ex boyfriend contacted me last week after ghosting me for 3 months to let me know that he still had feelings for me even though he was in a relationship. We were in a toxic relationship on and off for 6 years and when he contacted me he also apologised for all of the horrible things he had done to me. He advised me he had a girlfriend and that he was going to end it with her which he did. I spent the last few days with him while he was dealing with his ex girlfriend and things officially ended on thursday when he dropped her stuff back to her house. We discussed that we were going to have a fresh start and he said he loved me. We spent thursday night together and we spoke about the changes we will make moving forward. As we were going to sleep he told me he felt as though we had no connection even though we thought the reason for this was because I was stressed about my brother being in hospital and we were also dealing with drama with his ex girlfriend. He ended up leaving my house thursday night and drove straight to his girlfriends house and they have been together ever since. He has only been with this person for 2 months and told all of his friends and family that he was going to break up with her to be with me. His family are quite angry about his decision and his dad was the one who contacted me to let me know that he was now with that other person. I went to his house to discuss what happened between us as he had blocked my number and when i arrived his girlfriend was there and he physically assaulted me. I used self-defence and also assaulted him back. I feel physically sick and don’t know why someone would do this to me, he broke up with his girlfriend to be with me and then ran back to her a few days later.

Does anyone have any advice for moving on after a toxic breakup? I also suffer from anxiety and depression and this situation has not helped. I have not been able to eat or sleep and just want to move on with my life but i'm struggling with my anxiety.

[geoff]

Hello Shae, and a warm welcome to the site.

I am really sorry that your ex boyfriend has done this and it must make you wonder why this happened, not unless he wants one girlfriend to fall back on if he has an argument with the other, but this won't help you be able to move forward if he is doing this.

Now that he's done this you can't trust what he will do next, just let him know, somehow, that you don't want to see him again.

Geoff.

[Juliet_84]

I am reminded of a quote “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” as I think it’s very relevant to your situation. You were in a toxic relationship with this person on and off for 6 years so you know that this person is toxic. He left you without contact and ghosted you when he thought there was someone else he would get on better with. And then suddenly got back in contact when things weren’t working with her and started back up with you. And then when you really needed him and were dealing with your brother being in hospital he abandons you again under the guise of having “no connection” although I imagine it was probably because all the attention wasn’t on him for a second. And then when you show up he physically assaults you (it’s irrelevant if you retaliated, he started assaulting you first [a man assaulting a woman no less]). You have seen what character this man haves and it’s not a good one. He can say all he wants that he has changed, but words are cheap, he is toxic. They way I see it is good luck to anyone who haves him, he is absolute chaos and no one will ever have a happy life with someone like that. I don’t blame these events for triggering your anxiety and depression, but you will heal with time. My advice is don’t forget how he made you feel as there is a tendency once you get strong and happy again for these people to try and come back in your life.

[Mk2692]

Hi Shae14,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry to hear about what you went through; it must've been difficult to deal with that. It sounds like your ex boyfriend was toxic and he is not sure about who he wants to be with. I'm sorry that you were subjected to physical abuse; what happened was not your fault and you didn't deserve that.

The best that you can do for yourself is to walk away and never contact him again. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and respects you. If he does try to contact you, it's best not to respond and if he physically appears in your life, then I personally would take action against him, probably even filing a restraining order, as you don't want to be subjected to abuse again.

I know it is hard to deal with what you want through and it may be hard to process, which is why you should speak to someone about. Maybe reach out to your family and friends and explain the situation so they can provide you with support when needed. If you are finding it quite difficult to deal with what happened, then I would suggest to see a professional such as a counsellor or a psychologist. You can ask your GP for a referral to see one. You might find it useful to talk to someone and it might help you deal with your anxiety and depression. It will be difficult to move on, but the best thing to do is to focus on you. Take all the time you need to heal and deal with the breakup, but know that things will get better with time. Hope this helps.

[batticus]

As someone who was in a toxic relationship for a long time, I can tell you one thing for certain; it never gets better. In fact, it usually gets worse.

The best thing you can do is walk away from this person and not look back. Block their number, social media etc. It's really hard to do, it almost feels wrong - but it's really the only way you can move on. You might want to search online for "hoovering" and "trauma bonds" - it sounds like you might be subject to some of that behaviour.

So sorry to hear what you are going through

[Sophie_M]

Hi Shae14,

We’re really sorry to hear what you’re going through. We’re really glad you had the strength and bravery to share this here though. We hope the amazing words from our community bring you some comfort.

It sounds like it could be really helpful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss the physical assault, and to make sure you feel safe following this. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  There’s always the Beyond Blue counsellors also, on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story.

Kind regards,

Sophie M