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Toxic behaviours

Community Member

Hi again,

This morning, me and my partner have been playing some card games, and he won so i was having a banter with him. He didn’t understand that I was bantering and said “are you going to be toxic?” trying to get me to stop while I was ahead. I wasn’t trying to hurt him, I was just saying things like “you little rat” and so forth; things my family would say to me if I were to win in a card game.

I got upset with myself because I’m not very good at dealing with hurting people. I have an overwhelming fear of being toxic or hurting the people I love.

I started to cry and freak out, I screamed and threw the cards everywhere. This, a toxic reaction.

I feel that sometimes I definitely do have things I could work on, like my attention seeking and some things I say before thinking.

How can I help myself become better?

I’m in a really rough patch right now and my partner has definitely seen the worst of me. He’s had to physically stop me from hurting myself, pick me up in the shower during dissociation, etc.

I don’t want to hurt him, it hurts me more than I can explain.

please help me.

1 Reply 1

Hi Scarlett,

It sounds incredibly painful, we’re really sorry to hear what you’re going through. We’re really glad you had the strength and bravery to share this here though.

We’re reaching out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you'd prefer to call us directly we're on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach us online from 11am-12am AEDT.

It sounds like you could really use some support from someone outside of the relationship. Is there anyone in your life you feel you could talk about this with? Since you’re sometimes feeling the urge to harm yourself, it’s important to reach out about this to a GP or any existing professional mental health support you might have. Otherwise you can reach out to the Beyond Blue counsellors on the number above, or there's Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 and Headspace on 1800 650 890.

If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how your relationship is going, and to make sure you feel safe and free from abuse within your relationship, they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. If you’d like to share a bit more here about how you’ve been feeling, our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M