Tough situation, emotional abuse.. Don't know what to do!

[Sammiipants]

Hi All,

So for the past almost 12 months I have been with a man who I thought was perfect. We fell for each other quite quickly and soon after, fell pregnant. Throughout pregnancy he was so supportive in regards to anything to do with the baby. A few issues did arise in other areas of our relationship though, such as jealousy, he would get upset if I didn't call him 'babe', accused me of inviting my ex to our home while he was at work, would ignore me for hours or after a small argument would take off and be uncontactable for hours.. It was all so emotionally draining. I never ever did anything wrong by him or to intentionally upset him, unless I needed to address something of course. When we would argue it would turn into a massive game of he said, she said. He would constantly tell me "No, I didn't say that! Of course you don't remember, you always focus on other stuff instead of our relationship" Always made me question my recollection of events and conversations even though I was certain in what I remembered.

These situations were few and far between so even though I saw them as red flags, we got through. When it was good, it was great. Towards the end of pregnancy, however, these situations started to occur more frequently.

When our son was born he had some feeding complications. Was a very stressful time for us both. When he was 5 weeks old, we had a rough night. This resulted in an argument the following morning where I was called names, he told me he was over my moods, over our relationship and then he threatened to take our son. I called the police to stop him, long story short he has been living with his mother ever since. I have met up with him on average maybe once a week since then so he could see his son, mainly because we have a strict routine with feeding and expressing that I need to be at home for. I have another son from a previous relationship that I would rather was kept out of this negativity and I am on the other side of the country from any family so I have no support. I have appointments and general errands I need to run on a weekly basis. I'm exhausted. He has told me he wants to go to mediation. Legal aid won't get back to me. If I'm busy at a time when he wants to see his son then I'm "not letting him see his son". He told my neighbours I have Post Natal Depression - I don't, I was tested and came back clear!

I swear he is trying to break me! I am doing the best job I can for my two children. I don't know what to do.

[geoff]

Hello Sammii, a warm welcome to you and thanks for posting your comment.

I'm sorry it's been a tough time for you and it must be exhausting, raising a child as well as doing all the errands that you have to do.

There are a couple of things I'd like to say, legal aid is probably too busy so you may have to go in or try and ring them, the former would be best, and if you did have PND then your neighbours would have seen some indication, but the tests show that you haven't, which I'm really pleased for you.

Are you happy to go to mediation which is counselling between the two of you and a third person sits and arbitrates the discussion, but it's a decision you need to make and whether you believe that's what you want.

Your partner started out loving you but then he changes, and becomes emotionally abusive and jealous.

At the moment you need to look after yourself and your 2 sons and can I ask if you have been seeing your doctor in regards to what's happened.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Sammiipants]

Thank you, Geoff!

It is exhausting, most days are good but some days I get overwhelmed.

I finally heard back from legal aid today! Basically told me what I already knew.. I'm best talking to the fathers and seeing how they feel about everything, trying to come to an arrangement.. if not, court it is 😞 Yes, nobody had any concerns of PND apart from my partner, only after everything happened.. I think that speaks volumes!

I am happy to do mediation and I think we will end up doing that provided we don't come to an arrangement ourselves. Just the wait that's a killer!

I just can't believe people can hide it so well 😞 Looking back on it now though, there were definitely times this side showed and I pushed it to the back of my mind 😞

Definitely trying to focus on my two little positives! lol as I said, some days are harder than others but we are soldiering on lol I've seen my dr, he is the one that tested me for PND, he was disgusted to hear what had happened and said it is normal for me to feel exhausted and stressed given the circumstances. When my son was 3 weeks old I had blood tests done that came back positive for both glandular fever and Ross River Virus! Can you believe! So I was extremely fatigued from those two viruses, recovering from a c section, I was up feeding multiple times a night paying close attention making sure my son was feeding correctly.. and his father left me with all this and my 3 year old with no support lol I dunno how I've managed to get by, but I have!

[geoff]

Hello Sammii, thanks so much for getting back to me and with all that's going on you must be truly exhausted, and I know what glandular fever can do to someone but to have Ross River Virus as well plus a C section meant you wouldn't have any strength which makes you so tired and uncomfortable, I'm really sorry.

It's always easy to push these problems to the back of our mind, the trouble is they keep resurfacing at the most awkward times.

Talking to your partner and trying to make an arrangement could be difficult, so if it has to go to court, write down everything that's happened and if you can do this in a chronological order that might make it easier for the court, but you may have to mention the pros and cons of what you want.

Please let us know, anytime you want to.

Take care.

Geoff.