Torn

[tobeme]

Hi, Long story!

I have been with my husband since I was 15 (so over 18 years) and married for almost 11years. In the early days (dating) we had major issues as he is 6.5yrs older than me, so we had break ups/ reconciliations etc until I was about 17. I was too young and so was he to be with someone so young! I had eating disorders and so was clingy and totally obsessed with this man.

6 months before our wedding I found out he had cheated on me a few weeks earlier with a girl I knew at a party we were both at. I was devastated but still desperate to marry him and have children. Only a few of his friends new. None of mine did nor did family. We went to counselling and got married.

Our first child was conceived after a year of IVF with 5 cycles and 2 miscarraiges. After our first miscarriage he took me home and left me on the lounge to go watch a sports event. I cried for weeks by myself.

Our son was born, had open heart surgery at 6 months (he is 100% healthy now!) and we moved in with my parents to build our house in our dream suburb. 12months later we move into our new home and I find out I'm pregnant with our daughter. I was estatic! The look on his face when I told him was blank. He was distant the whole pregnancy - emotionally. Even in the labour ward he was playing games on his phone or texting. During the first 6 months of her life he was just not there. She didn't sleep, my son didn't sleep and I was barely coping. One day I found messages on FB between him and another woman. From what I read I had believed it was physical but he swears it was only emotional. Again we went to counselling. I loved him, I was too scared to leave.

My feelings towards him started to change a soon after. I still loved him, but not like I had. I was resenting him.

I wanted another baby, but he said he wouldn't cope... and I agreed. But my feelings wouldn't go away. I didn't trust him either - ever. My feelings for another child peaked a year ago. We went to counselling again. He said he didn't want one but eventually said we could try if it was what I wanted. We gave ourselves 6 months and it didn't work. I was devastated.

[therising]

Hi tobeme

You definitely don't deserve to feel so lost and low. When we're on a somewhat dark and uncertain path, it's light or enlightenment that we need most, not self-chastisement. If it's any help, I like to see guilt as a kind of signpost; when we hit a fork in our path, guilt is simply asking us to become more conscious in regard to who who want to be from this moment onward (the person who walks the path on left or the one on the right). One of those paths will be filled with opportunity for self-forgiveness, personal reformation and moments of enlightenment. Many of us face confusion and uncertainty, when having to choose in regard to major change.

I believe a little enlightenment is often found in a healthy sense of self-love and we find self-love when when we invest in our own personal EVOLution. With self-love you can rely on yourself to excite the neurons in your head (leading to excitement in life), you can rely on your own confidence and guidance, etc. At the end of the day, everyone else gets to share in your personal investment whilst you experience joy and fulfillment. By the way, I am married to a man who, although very affectionate, has no obvious interest in our relationship evolving into more than what it is. He believes the daily highlights of our relationship involve watching TV together on the couch and sleeping in each other's arms. He looks forward to us growing old together - we're part of the way there, with me at 48 and him at 52, lol. We do nothing exciting together and he's quite content. On reflection, he's happy with us sharing moments of semi-consciousness as we age before we eventually die. Not as much fun as I would have imagined, when we first got married. The reason I mention all this is because I want to let you know that I can sort of relate to where you're coming from. It's one thing for your partner to say 'I love you', it's quite another for partners to invest in an exciting form of mutual evolution (mutual expressions of a growing form of love within the relationship). You can be left feeling pretty unloved and lost.

Is it possible for you to see the potential for personal growth within the marriage? This way, your kids would witness your evolution whilst still having their parents together. Just a thought. With you growing and changing, your husband may see this as a chance to do the same, bringing you closer together.

First, move forward through giving yourself release from your feelings of guilt.

Take care

[tobeme]

Added...

i would lie awake at night wondering what it would be like to be single.. or a single parent.. did I love him??

I ended up having an affair with a man at work. He lifted me up, made me feel like a queen. It all ended when our spouses found out. That was 8 weeks ago. Now I’m more lost than ever. It was the feeling thus other man gave me. I’ve stopped contact with him, he is trying to work it out with his wife. I miss him terribly but it is definitely for the best this way. I miss my husband too! But I just don’t know if I can go back? I’m currently at my parents and feel SO low... are marriages supposed to be this hard to work at? Yes we have been to counselling and yes I am going by myself. It’s the sense of no direction that is killing me.

[tobeme]

Thank you, Therising!

that was beautiful... and yes I have been thinking about it. But I guess my affair has made me yearn for that connection? But perhaps if I find enlightenment within myself I won’t be seeking it from others?