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Too trusting or too lonely - again?
I feel like I’m eternally trapped in a world of men who view me as an object to pass the time with while they wait for something better to come their way, whilst I stupidly trust them and until it slowly dawns on me what’s happening, and that this naivety actually stems from my loneliness. I think I’m purposefully being blind, because I’m eternally hopeful that they will actually suddenly realise that I’m ‘the one’ and all the dumb fantasies of a trusting relationship will come my way.
I turned 50 this year and did a bit of a life revision, and was horrified to realise that everyone I’ve had a relationship with since my early 20s has lied and cheated their way through and out of my life, and I realised this year I haven’t had a longer relationship for 16 years, and in that 16 years the experiences I’ve had putting my trust and body in people’s care have taken an awful toll.
Now I’ve recently reconnected with a guy I met a decade ago. We live three hours away from each other so chatting is all online. He was initially helping me with professional advice about something, but it suddenly (and surprisingly for me) swerved into innuendo and suggestion. I felt this was fine if he was interested in something else that was less shallow, which it seemed to be the case as he visited me not long after. But after his visit he said he has “issues” and he can’t be touched or touch anyone, though why he will not reveal. He still contacts me two or three times a day, online. Suggestively.
I’m confused and angry and upset. I’ve never been described as a monster to look at. Or a psychopath. Maybe I am? But this behaviour makes me depressed and horrified at myself nonetheless, even though my other half is screaming “bullshit alert” off the scale. Which half of me is right? Am I being played? Again? How many players are out there zeroing in on me? Do I have an “idiot” sign tattooed on my forehead?
But when I think to myself that I’m better off by myself again than dealing with all the angst he’s bringing, I feel incredibly alone and worthless and I see my future and my wrinkles and my solitary retirement and I feel no joy in my life anymore.
Loneliness does make for poor decision making. I think we allow people to treat us in ways that we wouldn't normally, and that's not healthy. Can you work on other ways to make your life more fulfilling, rather than having someone give you company that isn't great for your mental health? It's something I'm working on myself, so I'm not suggesting it's easy. But it's also empowering to be able to say "no thanks. I don't accept that".
Best wishes, Katy
I'd like to join Katy in welcoming you here. While Katy is right of course, loneliness does make one do things one might not otherwise I frankly don't think this particular episode is about you at all., I think the guy has something wrong inside him. I'm no doctor and would not hazard a guess as to what it might be, but it is definitely him, not you.
You are no idiot, and I am sure there is a person who wound be good with you, finding is of course the hard part.
I've only one idea to offer. I've wondered for a long time why people tend to return to the same sort they had before, even if they always turn out to be abusive.
I half think that history repeats itself becuse it seems easy, one falls into a familiar behavior pattern and responds to the same stimuli, almost without thought.
Maybe somebody different, not the sort you planned on?
What do you think?
Dear Sleep meditation ~
May I ask what was wrong at work?