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Tolerance of other people

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi,

This and future threads is devoted to how we, with mental illness, can or cannot tolerate other people.

 I'd like to talk about family traits. As individuals and family units we all have our negative traits, some tolerable, others not so. Here is one example:

A lovely female non blood relative of mine has what I'd describe as a intolerable trait. In fact I've identified this trait in her mother too, so it is something she has inherited. I call it "unintended rudeness" and because it is unintended I should have more tolerance for it...but I dont.

While talking to either of them , having a good conversation, they get distracted easily...very easily. Whatever distracts them takes immediate priority over whatever I'm talking about. The things that distract them is - anything! Eg talking away if the postman delivers mail "I wonder if my telstra bill just arrived". Or "have I taken my blood pressure tablet this morning"? "What's the time" and so forth.

If I object eg "You're interrupting me" I always get "but I'm listening" or "I'm a woman I can do more than two things at once" however neither person can repeat what I just said leading me to conclude they are not actually listening. This leads to me reacting but not in an argumentive sense...what I do is stop talking immediately and walk away and bury my mind in my interests. Bascially as this problem has been ongoing for a long time I cant be bothered making it a dispute.

My point here is that when a problem like this initially arises it is natural to highlight the core of the issue eg Please, if you interupt me or get distracted it's like I'm talking to myself, cant you wait 15 seconds until my sentence is finished"? and an argument begins. At some point down the track you must accept that the trait/flaw cannot be overcome by the person and to prevent any personal damage to your relationship, you need to move on.

The intolerable trait might well do permanent damage. Eg My closeness to my relative and her mother is no longer there. I exchange niceties and listen to them when they address me but I know that if I participate in any meaningful discussion the above will occur...100% of the time.

It serves no purpose to beat yourself up over matters that you have no control over. But it would also be unwise to categorize all of their character based on one intolerable trait...these people you find hard to mix with are good people, so treat them with love and affection but have an exit strategy.

TonyWK

17 Replies 17

Stevolica27
Community Member
Thanks Tony,

Just wanted to comment I was listening to a podcast this week and that talked about how it's been proven physically impossible to multitask. Really the brain fragments tasks but can still only do one fragment at a time.

So while multitasking is useful in since situations and while some may be better at it than others, the reality surrounding it is that it's actually not possible, and thus not any more efficient than doing one task at a time.

Just wanted to add that. Also, I've heard the 'I'm listening' etc and then ended up having to repeat myself. It really got to me but the more and more at looked into things together, turns out my partner likely has adult ADHD and commendably is going to seek a diagnosis. Doesn't solve my problems here but does help with my compassion levels.

Hope your situation improves πŸ™‚

Cheers,

Thankyou Stevolica27

That very interesting to me.

Also, you might be interested to know I was misdiagnosed with ADHD at 47yo. I took subsequent medication a total of 12 different types for 6 years none of which worked.
In 2009 in desperation I tried another psychiatrist with another sitting in on his lunch break. They both agreed I had bipolar NOT ADHD plus dysthymia a low constant depression. Subsequent meds had a very positive effect. It appears mania from bipolar can be mistaken for adhd among some cross over symptoms.

Best to keep an open mind on the possible diagnosis.

I wish you well.

TONYWK.

Guest_1055
Community Member

Interesting thread.

I have been in similar situations where I have been verbally talking. Which is not really a thing I do much of.

Things I have noticed. Some people are not good listeners at all. They may hear you talking, but true... they are not listening. There thoughts may be elsewhere, maybe on their days work or something. I also appear sensitive to this. I may start to feel not important, not worth listening to, not valued. Their attention was elsewhere. Some people don't understand that you just need a bit of undivided attention, even if it is for a couple of minutes.

Anyways forgot where I was going with this.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hello Tony, a good thread to begin and so true in many different circumstances unbeknown to those who may instigate it.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Tony and all,

My partner does this often. We'll be in a conversation and his sis walks in and interrupts, he goes straight to her and what I'm saying is forgotten. He'll get a text or a call, his attention goes there.if were5on the phone his sis is talking to him in the background, sometimes they'll talk while I was talking. He tells his son's to wait, he's on the phone, but wont6tell his sis. I tell him how rude and annoying it is, especially as I don't interrupt him, he never says to his sis 'hang on, we're in the middle of something and wont6let the call or text wait, yet he asks me to wait if he's busy with someone else. He admits he's very easily distracted. Funny thing is he was a hyper child and believed he had adhd, which wasn't known about when he was a child.

I've had a few chats with him, telling him it's rude and annoying. I'm going to point it out to him as soon as it happens now as I've told him I feel what I'm talking about is unimportant to him.

I'm aggravated thinking about it lol.

Cmf

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Thanks Shelll

Yes, some aren't listeners and I pick up on that too being ultra sensitive.

Ultra sensitive people account for 20% of the population

Yes Geoff the instigators are unaware. But when they are told like in CMF case, they don't change.

CMF- that's why I decided with my relative, when they get distracted I abruptly stop talking and leave the room. I immediately do a hobby or something my valuable time deserves.

TonyWK

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Tony,

A few times I've up and left. Tonight my partner and his son came over for my little one's bday. We were sitting chatting and I started to tell a story about something I saw today. He and his son commented to each other and then just started talking amongst themselves. I stopped talking and tried to continue my story couple of times then loudly said ANYWAY ' so I could finish what I was saying.

Really annoying

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
CMF,

I've been pondering this all day as to why it happens. Maybe?-

* lack of respect (compared to others in their lives) due to- familiarity?, gender?, easy distraction, lack of awareness etc

I haven't got a clue

TonyWK

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hello CMF, that’s an awful experience you have to try and cope with, and it certainly is a lack of respect and disrespecting not only who you are or what you have to say.

Before you start talking draw their attention by saying 'I have something I want to say, please don't interrupt me, you can have your opinion when I'm finished', if they don't listen then walk out, it's not worth the effort, look after yourself and hold your head high.

You could keep talking at another pitch of voice but sometimes it's not worth the effort, but when they want something done, say you had your mind elsewhere.

I'm sorry this has happened.


Best wishes

Geoff.